With this week being the 25th anniversary of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman and the infamous White Ford Bronco chase that followed (YOU CAN’T BUY ADVERTISING LIKE THAT!), I thought I would share with you may favorite “looking for the real killers” photo of The Juice and attempt to unpack it for you. This pre-selfie era photo of a group of anonymous folks just excited to get a selfie with an alleged murderer was posted on-line ten years ago by an anonymous person and was eventually picked up by Awkward Family Photos. This is my take on who these folks are. Of course, I’m sure they are all fine, upstanding people who just happen to love hanging out with a man who most people assume brutally murdered his ex-wife an friend. These is just my silly effort to judge a bunch of decent, murderer-worshiping folks by their covers. There is no reason to believe my descriptions are in any way accurate. -Rick-
From their facial expressions, I just get the feeling each and everyone of these people has a story. I feel like I could write a novel and populate it with these people. Allow me to describe who I think these folks are.
I’d say the woman in the front, in the yellowish coat is a 3rd grade teacher at a parochial school. She likes to think that despite her job, she’s a wild party chick. In reality, one Zima and she’s out for the count.
I don’t know anything about the guy in the back with the beard, but he’s needed back at the ’60’s mad scientist movie he wandered out of, pronto! I just hope those are his own sunglasses he’s wearing, because if he’s just in the process of returning them to O.J.’s ex-wife, they might as well start measuring him for a body bag now.
I believe the woman with the curly hair, glasses and questionable dental work, closet to O.J., is a 61 year old retired hotel maid who has harbored a latent desire for a little “jungle love” ever since she sprouted her first pube and is using this, her first time close to a black man, to “get a little of the strange”. She may look like somebody’s grandmother, but while everybody else is smiling because they are saying “cheese”, she’s smiling because, on the down low, she’s grinding her inflamed lady parts against The Juice’s built-in juice maker.
The guy in the cap, over O.J.’s left shoulder, isn’t with the rest of these people. I think he was just going door to door to inform people that he’s moved into their neighborhood, as the judge required, saw a crowd and wandered over to see if he could find any pre-pubescent boys with sweet tooths who could keep a secret.
The guy in the back wearing the Stetson-like hat is barely aware he’s being photographed. I believe he’s too busy hoping to himself that people think the hat makes him look enough like Indiana Jones that they won’t guess that he has a tiny penis.
The girl in front of O.J., in a black coat with suspiciously perfect teeth is obviously a space alien. A pretty space alien. But a space alien, non-the-less. She and her saucer have just landed and she was dispatched to find a suitable subject for a good old fashioned anal probing. From the look on the face of the kid in front of her, she’s found her man. Apparently, she gave him his first beer to make it hurt less.
I’m not sure what the deal is with the girl to anal boy’s left, but despite her powder blue fleece jacket, I’m pretty sure she’s really into leather. When you look at the photo it appears that she’s looking right at you. Why? Because she is! And she’s thinking about how much she’d like to make you eat a bug!
The girl on the extreme left of the photo, in light blue but out of focus, is my favorite. I don’t know what to say about her except I love her. Even blurry, she looks like she’s sweet, personable, funny and a wild cat in the sack. Maybe it’s just because most of the women I fall in love with look blurry, mainly because it usually only happens while I’m in an alcohol induced haze.
Finally, there’s the guy to O.J.’s right, pointing at The Juice and making a face. He’s just a douchebag.
Of course, these are all just my crazed impressions. As I say, I don’t really know anything about these people but there’s just something about this photo that makes me feel like I do. I’m sure they are, in reality, all fine, decent, upstanding folks. Well, fine, decent, upstanding folks who enjoy being photographed with a murderer!
