THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR LOSING POWERBALL TICKET
10. Use it as a bookmark in your copy of Winning the Lottery for Dummies.
9. Use it as a coaster for all the beers you’re drinking to forget how much you wasted on f’n lottery tickets.
8. Write a note to your boss on it apologizing for telling him to stick your job up his butt yesterday since you didn’t need it anymore because you were going to win the lottery.
7. Use it as toilet paper (though to be honest, you should have just wiped you ass with the two dollar bills you bought the ticket with since you were basically just flushing it down the toilet anyway).
6. Use it as kindling to start a fire to burn down your house so you can use the insurance money to buy more losing lottery tickets.
5. Throw it out your car window while passing a cop and receive a ticket for littering which will have only a slightly less of a chance of winning you 580 million dollars than your actual lottery ticket did.
4. Keep it in a frame in a highly visible spot in your home as a constant reminder of what a disappointment it was the same way my mother used to keep pictures of me.
3. Roll it and use it a holder for the cigarette butts you’re picking up because you can’t afford to buy your own since you blew all your cash on lottery tickets.
2. Send it to the little African kid you’re sponsoring for just 33 cents a day to show him why he’s not going to eat this week.
1. Lick it and stick it to your forehead. See if you feel like even more of an idiot than you did for wasting your money on the ticket in the first place.