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nov 29th 2012

10. Use it as a bookmark in your copy of Winning the Lottery for Dummies.

9. Use it as a coaster for all the beers you’re drinking to forget how much you wasted on f’n lottery tickets.

8. Write a note to your boss on it apologizing for telling him to stick your job up his butt yesterday since you didn’t need it anymore because you were going to win the lottery.

7. Use it as toilet paper (though to be honest, you should have just wiped you ass with the two dollar bills you bought the ticket with since you were basically just flushing it down the toilet anyway).

6. Use it as kindling to start a fire to burn down your house so you can use the insurance money to buy more losing lottery tickets.

5. Throw it out your car window while passing a cop and receive a ticket for littering which will have only a slightly less of a chance of winning you 580 million dollars than your actual lottery ticket did.

4. Keep it in a frame in a highly visible spot in your home as a constant reminder of what a disappointment it was the same way my mother used to keep pictures of me.

3. Roll it and use it a holder for the cigarette butts you’re picking up because you can’t afford to buy your own since you blew all your cash on lottery tickets.

2. Send it to the little African kid you’re sponsoring for just 33 cents a day to show him why he’s not going to eat this week.

1. Lick it and stick it to your forehead. See if you feel like even more of an idiot than you did for wasting your money on the ticket in the first place.
posted by: Rick and Len at 7:27 pm Comment On This Post

nov 5th 2012

10. Watching Obama’s ears flap in the breeze during windy outdoor rallies.

9. All the exercise my thumb gets hitting the fast forward and mute buttons on my TV/DVR remote.

8. Not putting my clean dishes away just in case Paul Ryan drops by unannounced to rewash them.

7. Donald Trump proving you don’t have to work for America’s biggest fast-food burger chain to become the nation’s most famous clown.

6. Saving money on toilet paper thanks to stacks of campaign brochures piling up daily in my mailbox.

5. Never having to set my alarm clock because I know I’ll be awakened before long by a phone call from some pre-recorded douchebag.

4. Watching Mitt Romney periodically check his nose during debates to see if it’s growing.

3. Listening to the sound of Joe Biden’s cackling laugh and trying to decide if someone said something funny or if he’s just off his meds.

2. Picturing Tommy Thompson and Tammy Baldwin doing it as a way to induce vomiting after accidental poisonings.

1. Who am I kidding? Not a frickin’ thing!!!
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:04 am Comment On This Post

nov 5th 2012

October 13th City of Fox Point

A man was arrested for drunken driving after he appeared to be sleeping and police had to knock on the roof of the car to awaken him. He was taken for a blood draw and when the doctor asked if he’d been drinking, answered “I’m livin’ the dream.” The man then asked if anyone around him at the hospital “wanted to do some shots.”

October 6th City of Neenah

A woman called police to report that she could hear voices in her back yard at 3 a.m. Police responded to the area and found a 19-year-old man lying in the grass who told them he was left there by friends. The man was highly intoxicated and thought he was in Oshkosh.

October 22nd Village of Gresham

A caller told police they caught someone spitting on their mail.

October 22nd Town of Seneca

A man called police to report someone had stolen a culvert on Ridge Road.

October 24th City of Wisconsin Rapids

A woman reported to police that her neighbor was yelling at her because she was yelling at her own children. The neighbor then called and reported the first caller is always yelling and started yelling at him after he asked her to stop yelling.

October 12th City of Glendale

A 50-year-old woman was arrested for drunken driving and refusal to take a breath test after she was found “passed out” in her running car at a gas station. After failing field sobriety tests, she called one officer names and then asked another to go out with her on a date.

October 17th City of Waukesha

A woman called police to report that sometime back in August someone stole her tooth from her purse She suspected the tooth thief was her homeless sister.

October 17th City of Waukesha

Customers at a business on West Avenue were almost hit by golf balls hit by customers at another West Avenue business.

October 24th City of Portage

Police took a report of a stone buck statue that was damaged when a living buck tried mating with a nearby stone doe statue.

October 25th City of Wisconsin Rapids

A man called police to report seeing something orange floating in the water near the Riverview Expressway bridge. Responding officers discovered it was a toy.

posted by: Rick and Len at 11:01 am Comment On This Post