We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show Weenie of the Week… 20-year-old Bradley Petrick of Sheboygan who was arrested Tuesday while in the act of burglarizing St. Peter Lutheran Church. When arrested, Petrick reportedly confessed to having burglarized the same church 5 or 6 times in the last year. Stolen items included two computers, a safe, cash, money from a Pepsi machine, wine, and $780 worth of bus tokens.


So,
For not understanding that it’s not acceptable to commit a crime in a church…unless, of course, you’re wearing a white collar.

For repeatedly stealing from a church which means he apparently mistook the 10 Commandments for the 9 Commandments and 1 suggestion.

And

For not just guaranteeing himself a one way trip to hell….but also making sure that he’ll be making the journey on a city bus.

We are proud to name Bradley Petrick of Sheboygan as this week’s Rick and Len Show…WEENIE OF THE WEEK!

We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Show Weenie of the Week...outgoing Afternoon Road Show co-host and WAPL program Director Joe Calgaro, who is leaving the Rockin' Apple after 13 successful years to take a job at 102-9 The Hog in Milwaukee.

So...for leaving us for an employer who has reportedly provided its airstaff with a lounge outfitted with a Wii game system and other cool amenities, indicating that much like Jay Cutler,  the quarterback of his beloved Chicago Bears, Joe has gone soft...

For starting the WAPL "how long will it be before he comes back clock"...because we all do. After all, WAPL is the Hotel California. You can check out but you can never leave...

And for leaving us with a solicitation for his own replacement which says WAPL is looking for some one who is "bright, responsible and creative," when we've survived quite well without it for 13 years...

We are proud to name Joe Calgaro, who is leaving WAPL for a radio gig in Milwaukee, which doesn't necessarily have greener pastures but a lot  different cows, as this week's Rick and Len Show Weenie of the Week.

We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Show Weenies of the Week...

The truck drivers who keep spilling their loads all over the highways of eastern and northeastern Wisconsin. First a guy drops hundreds of gallons of paint on I-43 near Sheboygan earlier this week...and now this morning we get more than 200 gallons of honey dumped on Highway 23 in Fond du Lac.

So...

• For failing to secure a load of paint properly, for which we're going to paint you irresponsible...
• For rendering useless the hundreds of hours of honey making performed by thousand of honey bees and making them do it all over again...when they don't really have time for that. They're busy bees, after all...
• And for giving us yet another opportunity to ridicule Fond du Lac because when there's golden fluid all over the street in Fond du Lac, it usually ain't honey...

We are proud to name the truck drivers who managed snarl traffic by spilling hundreds of gallons of paint and honey on area highways as this week's Rick and Len Show Weenies of the Week.

So it’s the 30th Olympics, or as it’s displayed on my cable listings “The XXX Olympic Games”. You can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in, and they weren’t triple X at all. So, here’s our suggestions on….

WAYS TO MAKE THE XXX OLYMPICS MORE XXX

10. Instead of their necks, have male winners hang their medals from a different appendage.

9. Following women’s table tennis matches, winner gets to use their paddle to spank the loser for being a naughty, naughty girl.

8. Ban long fiberglass sticks and make pole vaulting a competition between Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee.

7. Replace modern pentathlon with modern penetrationthon.

6. Combine men’s and women’s relay races, run them naked and hey, ouch, that’s not a baton.

5. Show entire women’s beach volleyball matches in slow motion with porn music.

4. Require athletes in all events to grunt like the women’s tennis players.

3. Add 50 gallons of Jello to all women’s wrestling events.

2. During badminton matches have female announcer who uses low sexy voice every time she says the word “shuttlecock”.

1. Make women’s kayaking less about rowing and more about paddling the pink canoe.

WEENIE OF THE WEEK 7.27.12



We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show Weenies of the Week…the Milwaukee Brewers bullpen who this week gave up late inning leads three games in a row contributing to the team’s now 7 game losing streak.

So…

For struggling more than a Ben Roethlisberger date.

For dropping more ugly ones than the octomom’s uterus.

And for blowing more leads than a desperate salesperson with soft lips.

We are proud to name the Milwaukee Brewers bullpen as this week’s Rick and Len Show…WEENIES OF THE WEEK.

This week, the Post Crescent claimed that they unraveled the mystery of a UFO was spotted over Fox Cities stadium last Saturday. They say it was just fireworks. Like space aliens wouldn’t be drawn to Grand Chute. We disagree. In fact, we think there’s 10….

REASONS UFOS WOULD COME TO GRAND CHUTE

10. Big summer sale on alien size panties at the Dress Barn.

9. Drawn by the mouthwatering aroma of  burning Italian food from last week’s Bucca de Beppo fire.

8. Didn’t have enough change for the meters to park their spaceship in Appleton.

7. They were looking for their leader, a humanoid with grayish complexion and enormous, oversized head, and didn’t realize they’d overshot the Fox 11 studio by 30 miles.

6. They were looking for other alien life forms and figured there was no better place to start than Wal-Mart.

5. There is no #5. It was abducted by space aliens.

4. Thought somebody was signaling them but it was just the sun reflecting off our news honey, Jeanne Anthony’s freshly Armor-Alled face.

3, While looking for perfect place to land, spotted large red bull’s-eye on Fox River Mall.

2. Needed a Grand Chute because the Little Chute wasn’t big enough for the anal probe.

1. Hey, they were searching for signs of intelligent life. Where were they going to land? Sheboygan?

WEENIE OF THE WEEK 7.13.12



We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Weenie of the Week…a 32 year old Damien Kindt who this week racked up his 5th DUI when he allegedly rear-ended a stopped police car on Green Bay’s west side.

So,

For getting 5 DUIs, proving he is a man who learns so well from his own mistakes he can repeat them perfectly.

For hitting a police cruiser so hard he almost knocked the donut out of the officer mouth.

And for allegedly rear-ending a cop which interestingly is verboten on the streets of Green Bay and yet, oddly, encouraged backstage after Village People concerts.

We are proud to name Damien Kindt as this week’s Rick and Len Show...WEENIE OF THE WEEK!

We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show Weenie of the Week…Brett Favre who apparently still not ready to let bygones be bygones. This week it was revealed that someone from the Packer Hall of Fame called Favre’s agent, Bus Cook, to invite him to return to Green Bay for the Hall’s induction ceremony honoring Mike Holmgren, the man who coached Brett to his only Super Bowl win. Favre reportedly did not respond to the invitation and is not expected to attend.

So,

For apparently still being too pissed to even reply to the invitation or evidently thinking R.S.V.P. stands for “Redneck Stay Vexed Perpetually”.

For again proving that while there is no “I” in team, there is one just to the left of center in “dick”.

And

For famously being indecisive about whether or not he wanted to be a player during the last years of his career but sticking firmly to his decision to be a douchebag in his retirement.

We are proud to name Brett Favre as this week’s Rick and Len Show Weenie of the Week.

June 17th City of Portage
A woman on Armstrong Street called police to report a theft of French fries. The woman told police she was walking from the Friendly Tavern with an order of fries when someone approached her and told her she either had to give him the fries or get into a truck. She told the officer she chose to give the man the fries.

June 14th Town of Harrison
A Firelane 9 resident called police to report someone put a homemade Scott Walker sign in their yard without their permission nine days after the recall election. The caller told police they have a suspect in mind.

June 22nd City of Waupun
Police responded to a report of parents lighting sparklers for their children on East Main Street. Police found no laws being broken.

June 11th Village of Sherwood
Police responded to a report of a large black umbrella lying in a ditch.

June 24th Village of Bowler
Police received a report of a porcupine named “Spike” gnawing on the foundation of the Education Center on the Stockbridge Munsee reservation. Shawano County Sheriff’s Deputies were told the porcupine would be difficult to capture because he is quite intelligent.

June 29th City of Mequon
An 82-year-old man was cited for disorderly conduct at a water park. The man became angry with a woman who was sitting on the edge of the pool with her legs in the water, saying she was blocking his swimming lane and cursed at her in both Russian and English.

June 23rd City of Beaver Dam
Police investigated a report that a man dropped off a live animal in a trap on Park Avenue. Police found the “live animal” in the trap was actually a bag of soda cans.

June 22nd City of Wauwatosa
A 48-year-old man was arrested for retail theft after allegedly stealing a package of breast pump bags and then returning them for a refund.

June 21st City of Wauwatosa
Police received a report of a man “wearing a full winter hat, two shirts and heavy green overcoat”. The man told the investigating officer he just always wears coats and he was wearing a hat because he HATES his hair!

June 16th City of Glendale
A 72-year-old Neshkoro man was arrested for disorderly conduct during a recital at Cardinal Stritch University. The woman sat in front of the man and while whispering to friends, he yelled at her to quit jumping around. When she whispered again to a friend, he smacked her on the back of the head.

June 20th City of Portage
Police investigated a report of the theft of $2 in cash from a Henry Drive home. A 29-year-old woman was cited for obstructing an officer after she allegedly lied to police during the investigation of the missing $2.00.

June 24th City of Portage
Police investigated a report of overly aggressive sales tactics by children selling Kool-Aid on West Franklin Street.

June 20th City of Wauwatosa
A 32-year-old man was arrested for vandalism after he spread honey across a desk, damaged a computer mouse pad and threw a Bible and religious brochures on a desk at Hall Automotive. A nail had been driven through the bible, the brochures and the mouse pad to bind them together. When apprehended and searched, the man was found to be carrying a backpack full of chicken bones.

We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show WEENIE OF THE WEEK…

24-year-old Joseph Berres of Plymouth who allegedly had several run-ins with police over last weekend. Among the items in Berres reported one man crime spree….

He got into an altercation with a man on Eastern Avenue in Plymouth and threatened him with a metal pole.

He created a disturbance outside a bar by loudly yelling and swearing.

And he allegedly exposed his genitals to a woman in the toy aisle at the Plymouth Wal-Mart.

So,

For not understanding that it’s supposed to be the prices that are falling at Wal-Mart…not the customer’s pants.

For not realizing that the popular peopleofwalmart.com is not an X-rated web site.

And for hanging out in an aisle jammed with toys but, based on press reports, apparently the only thing he could find to play with was his penis.

We are proud to name Joseph Berres of Plymouth as this week’s Rick and Len Show….WEENIE OF THE WEEK.

A man who hangs around New York’s Central Park dressed as Elmo, the lovable Sesame Street character, was handcuffed by New York City cops Sunday and whisked away in an ambulance after he launched into one of his trademark anti-Semitic rants. The unidentified man in the Elmo costume was removed from the vicinity of the Central Park Zoo, where he has alternately posed for photos with park visitors, screamed curses, and launched into diatribes about assorted Jewish conspiracies



OTHER SHOCKING REVELATIONS ABOUT THE MUPPETS

10. Big Bird…hangs out at waysides begging burly truckers to pluck him hard.

9. Animal…a debilitating head injury made him a vegetable before dying and becoming a mineral.

8. Elmo…Forget the tickling…only thing that makes him giggle is his annual prostate exam.

7. Dr. Bunson Honeydew…charged with unintentional manslaughter after Beeker was killed in an explosion in his illegal meth lab.

6. Cookie Monster…a group of Girl Scout accused him of inappropriately touching their Dose-Se-Does.

5. Kermit…has dangerously high cholesterol caused by 30 years of eating pork.

4. Ernie…left Bert for brief, torrid affair with Ricky Martin.

3. Oscar the Grouch…was recently arrested for soliciting a undercover officer to stick things in his can.

2. The Swedish Chef…was actually born in Kenya, yet despite pleas from Donald Trump refuses to release actual birth certificate.

1. Fozzie Bear…chunks of a couple hikers who went missing in Yellowstone found in his stool.

May 31st City of Menasha
Police responded to a report of a dispute between a man and a woman on Third Street. The woman told police that the man became upset when she wouldn’t get the salt shaker for the man’s egg salad sandwich.

June 16th City of Portage
Police were called to an apartment to take care of a large bug in the living area. Responding officers say they could not find the offending bug.

June 9th City of Glendale
Police responded to a report of a naked man standing in the grass “whipping a string around”.

June 10th City of Waupun
A man at Family Dollar called police to report an irate 73-year-old customer was throwing bags of merchandise at him because the customer didn’t get something for the price he wanted.

June 17th Town of Wescott
Shawano County Sheriff’s Deputies responded to a report from North Bay Circle where a 50-year-old couple was sitting outside naked.  

June 10th City of Waukesha
A resident called police to report  “male  screaming and two other males filleting a fish on the trunk of a car and dropping fish guts on the street”.

June 7th Village of Sauk City
A resident reported a man was passed out in the bushes. Police made contact with the 24-year-old man, who thought he was at home in bed.

June 19th City of Wisconsin Rapids
A caller told police his car sustained damage to the rear driver’s side when a naked man threw a yield sign at him.

June 7th Village of Sauk City
A resident reported that six juveniles were misbehaving on the Spruce Street Elementary School playground equipment. The resident told police one boy was going down the slide wearing only his boxer shorts.

June 15th City of Wisconsin Rapids
A man requested police assistance after his young daughter locked herself to a coat rack with handcuffs.

June 19th Town of Greenville
Employees of an area retail shop called the Outagamie County Sheriff’s Department to report a man who stops in the store wearing only a T-shirt and Speedo. After speaking with a deputy, the man agreed his attire probably wasn’t the best choice and he would dress more appropriately if he returned to the store.

June 10th City of Waukesha
Police received a report of a 50-year-old man who was “passed out and covered with mulberries”.

June 18th City of Menomonee Falls
Police charged a 56-year-old woman for allegedly attacking her husband after she found publications she considered to be pornography in the trunk of his car. The two “pornographic” publications she discovered were the Milwaukee alternative weekly newspaper the Shepherd Express and the satirical newspaper The Onion.

WEENIE OF THE WEEK 6.15.12



We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show Weenie of the Week…Green Bay Alderman Tim De Wane, who this past Friday, pled guilty to a disorderly conduct citation. Alderman De Wane, who had been in office less than a month, was arrested April 28th after he knocked on a stranger’s door on at 1am, and for 15 minutes, repeatedly asked the man to let him in. When police arrived, they reportedly found Alderman De Wane stumbling around, smelling of alcohol and  his pants soaked with urine. He was allegedly unable to sit up in the back seat of the squad car. According to the police report, when the female officer, who Alderman De Wane kept calling “Honey”, told him he was under arrest for disorderly conduct, he replied, “Good luck with that”.  A Breathalyzer showed the alderman’s blood-alcohol content to be .221

So,

For proving, against all conventional wisdom, that there is something a politician can do that’s even more annoying that robo-calling your house 10 times a day.

For apparently thinking that being in office for almost a month allows him to make the jump from being wet behind the ears to wetting other parts of his anatomy.

And for not understanding that elected officials should not be stumbling around the streets of Green Bay drunk and barely coherent… that’s what Lambeau Field is for…[Cue Tommy Thompson!]

We are proud to Green Bay Alderman Tim De Wane as this week’s Rick and Len Show…WEENIE OF THE WEEK!

May 26th City of Neenah
A motorist at the intersection of Breezewood Lane and U.S. 41 asked police to check on a turtle that was in the middle of a roundabout. A car ran over the turtle before an officer arrived. The officer disposed of the body after a short memorial service.

May 31st City of Franklin
A 34-year-old man was arrested for shoplifting a Motorola Bluetooth earpiece at Wal-Mart. The man stole the earpiece by wrapping it in toilet paper and sticking it inside his rectum.

May 24th City of Horicon
A caller notified police of seeing people riding on top of a mattress on top of a car. The driver, a 19-year-old woman, told police two men were sitting on the windows of the car holding the mattress on the top to move it.

June 5th City of Waupun
A caller on Hillyer Street told police there was a large snapping turtle in the road and some children were trying to play with it and he was concerned with their safety. Police told the children to leave the turtle alone.

May 31st City of Oak Creek
A 41-year-old man called police after employees at a restaurant refused to give him a refund for a rib dinner he was unsatisfied with.

June 5th City of Beaver Dam
A woman on DeClark Street called police to report someone had been throwing gnomes at her political signs.

June 1st City of Portage
Police investigated a report of an intoxicated man who was out of control and broke a rosary.

May 31st Town of Leopolis
A caller reported seeing two people walking on the snowmobile and believed they were suspicious because one was wearing all black while the other was wearing all black except for a white hat. They told police they thought the two might be up to no good or perhaps they’re just taking a walk.

June 5th City of Shawano
Police received a report of a potential scam. The caller reported receiving a call from someone identifying themselves as working for the Shriner’s Circus. When they agreed to make a $20 donation, they were instructed to write a check and leave it under their doormat. The caller thought this seemed suspicious.

May 23rd City of Glendale
A 15-year-old girl was arrested for disorderly conduct for spitting at the driver of a county bus. The girl was angry when she and other juveniles boarded the bus with expired transfers and were told they had to pay or exit. A large amount of spit was found on a window next to the driver. The girl denied spitting but admitted sneezing saying the spit might have come out accidentally when she sneezed.

May 23rd City of Bayside
A 23-year-old woman was arrested for drunken driving after she ran from the car into a lot, telling police she had to pee. She also said she was driving because her friend was too drunk to drive. At first, she refused to take a breath test but changed her mind because she was just curious to see what her blood alcohol content was. Turns out it was 0.15, almost twice the legal limit.

June 6th City of Wisconsin Rapids
An employee at Rapids Rental and Supply called police to report an irrational customer had threatened to cut the store displays in half with a chain saw.

May 15th City of Green Bay
An 18-year-old man was cited by police after he took a needle from a $1.99 six-pack of needles at Mill’s Fleet Farm West. The man said it was a stupid decision but he was just going to use the needle to pierce his ears.

May 3rd City of Wisconsin Rapids
A woman called police to report a man would not return her Season 1, Disc 1, of The Dukes of Hazard.

May 3rd Village of Biron
A man called police an deported someone took the newspaper out of his mailbox in. An investigating officer learned the man didn’t subscribe to the paper and when the route driver realized she had inadvertently put it in his box, she took it back.

A woman in Columbus, Ohio is suing the city because they impounded her 2002 Saturn after an accident and won’t return it. She is demanding 500 BILLION DOLLARS in damages.

TOP TEN FEATURES THAT WOULD MAKE A CAR WORTH 500 BILLION DOLLARS

10. Cigarette lighter is a topless hottie with a great rack wielding a 18K gold Zippo.

9. Seat not only warms your butt but wipes it as well.

8. There’s an honest lawyer in the trunk…and those are so rare one must be worth at least a couple hundred billion.

7. Ballistic missile launcher for dealing with overly aggressive tailgaters or Illinois drivers.

6. Upholstered seats made entirely from tough, leathery skin of crazy tanning mom.

5. Every time you honk your horn it magically takes 10 seconds off the life of a Kardashian.

4. It’s made entirely from spare parts of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.

3. Every time you blow a gasket, it blows you back.

2. Has a unique internal combustion engine that eschews gas in favor of running on infinite supply of crushed dreams of disappointed Cubs fans.

1. Has a radio that not only filters out political ads but also has no 101.1.

A guy in Manchester, New Hampshire was robbed while wearing a chicken suit. What kind of guys robs a dude dressed like a chicken? How little self-respect does this guy have as a criminal? To help you avoid making the same mistake, here’s the…

TOP TEN THINGS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE ROBBING A GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT



10. How do you think a guy busted for robbing a kid in a chicken suit will do in prison?

9. Do you want to get charged with “fowl play”?

8. Does he know the 11 secret herbs and spices.

7. If this goes wrong, am I okay being known as the guy who got the stuffing beat out of him by some dude dressed like Big Bird’s special needs cousin?

6. How much money could a guy who makes a living impersonating poultry really be carrying?

5. How long until the Statue of Liberty woman is back outside the tax place?

4. If I throttle him during the robbery, will I be charged with choking the chicken in public?

3. Is he concealing a gun in his egg hole?

2. What’s more embarrassing? Wearing a chicken suit? Robbing a guy wearing a chicken suit. Or getting your ass kicked by Scott Walker twice in less than two years?

1. Will I fry for this?

May 28th Village of Ashwaubenon
The 34-year-old man fired several rounds through his garage wall. One bullet hit the window of a nearby apartment on Pilgrim Way. The man told police he had recently purchased a .380 caliber handgun with the intent to apply for a concealed carry permit. He said he didn’t know anything about guns but wanted to try it out before class.



May 29th City of Oshkosh
Police responded to a call from an employee of the Nails Plus Salon on South Koeller Street after a deer strolled in through the open front door, startling both the staff and customers.

May 12th City of Menasha
A woman reported that someone stole her Blessed Virgin Mary statue from the front of her apartment building. Family members checked the neighborhood, but there was no Virgin to be found.

May 24th City of Oak Creek
Police responded to a report of a goat at large. An officer found the goat nibbling grass and tied the goat to a stake in the ground at its residence and left a note for its owner, who was not at home at the time the goat escaped.

May 22nd City of Franklin
A caller reported the theft of $300 by a woman he invited into his residence. The caller told police he paid $300 to a woman he met at a local gentlemen’s club to dance for him at his home, and when she went outside to have a cigarette she left without dancing for him.

May 20th City of Waukesha
A woman called police to report that her 18-year daughter is “acting up and throwing things and stole her mother’s cat.”

May 21st City of Waukesha
A caller reported “a verbal altercation with her brother … about toilet paper”. “They were advised, if they can’t get along, they need to not live together.

May 26th City of Wauwatosa
A 30-year-old man was taken to Froedtert Hospital to get stitches on his chin after he was tackled behind Longfellow Middle. The man and his friend were tossing a football around when another man whom they didn’t know asked if he could join in. After a few throws, he tackled the other man then punched him in the face. The two friends chased him until the suspect ran into traffic.

May 31st City of Shawano
A woman called 911 from a soccer game at Eberlein Park to report a man who always parks his vehicle on the wrong side of the barricades. The woman was informed that the 9-1-1 line is intended for emergencies and a person parking on the wrong side of a barricade at a children’s soccer game does not qualify as an emergency.

May 18th Town of Harrison
Police responded to a report of a mother on Easter Lily Drive who used orange traffic cones to block her street so her kids could ride their motorized vehicles on the road. The cones were removed and the mother was spoken to.

May 19th City of Chilton
Police received a report of a man in dark clothing laying on the sidewalk near the intersection of Irish Road and Calumet Street. Responding officers found there was no medical issue. The man was just lying in the middle of the sidewalk to get some sun.

WEENIE OF THE WEEK/COCKTAIL FRANK 6.1.12

Some weeks, there is someone who is not quite as big a weenie as someone else. They’re our Weenie of the Week runner up. Our…

COCKTAIL FRANK

We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show Cocktail Frank…Diane Hendricks, Wisconsin’s richest woman (worth reportedly 2.8 Billion dollars) who, this week it was revealed by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, manipulated the system to pay ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in Wisconsin state income taxes for 2010.

So,

For apparently thinking she doesn’t have to pay taxes since looking at herself in the mirror is already taxing enough.

For taking that the old axiom that the only things that are certain in life is death and taxes and apparently going to extreme measures to avoid both.

For paying no state income taxes for 2010. NONE,  NOTHING, NADA, NAUGHT, ZILCH, ZIP, ZERO, GOOSE EGG, DIDDLY SQUAT. I’d go on but I can’t afford a thesaurus because I paid my income taxes!

We are proud to name Wisconsin’s Richest woman, Diane Hendricks, who paid no state income taxes in 2010 as this week’s Rick and Len Cocktail Frank.

WEENIE OF THE WEEK

We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Show Weenies of the Week…overzealous Brewer fans who have been posting hateful and threatening messages on Facebook directed at Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy’s wife. Lucroy, for those who don’t know, sustained an injury this week when his wife accidentally knocked over a suitcase onto his right hand while he was reaching for a lost sock under his bed. As a result, Lucroy’s expected to be on the disabled list for 4 to 6 weeks.

So,

For directing all their anger and frustration at Lucroy’s wife when the real culprits, the suitcase and the sock are getting a free ride.

For proving there’s a difference between being a member of the True Blue Brew Crew and a member of the Dumb Ass Low Class.

For not understanding that accidents do happen…which is ironic, since I’d be willing to bet the reason most of them are even here is their father’s didn’t pull out fast enough.

We are proud to name the Brewer fans posting hateful and threatening messages on Facebook directed at Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy’s wife as this week’s Rick and Len Show…WEENIES OF THE WEEK!

A man in Brown County is in trouble for allegedly giving his dog cocaine. As a public service, here are the….

SIGNS YOUR DOG MIGHT HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM

If it spends more time licking it’s lips than it’s balls…your dog might have a drug problem.

Instead of demanding “Kibbles n Bits, Kibble and Bits”…it demands “a couple a hits, a couple of hits”…your dog might have a drug problem.

If it finally caught that damn chuck wagon, and then sold it for scrap to get money for an eight ball…your dog might have a drug problem.

If instead of fetching a rolled up newspaper it only fetches a rolled up fatty…your dog might have a drug problem.

If it’s nose is runnier than it’s bowel movements…your dog might have a drug problem.

If it’s behaving more irrationally than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah …your dog might have a drug problem.

If his first name is “Snoop”…your dog might have a drug problem.

(With apologies to comic Doug Stanhope) If it’s eyes are redder than the water in the swimming pool during the 4th week of Lillith Fair…your dog might have a drug problem. (credit to Doug Stanhope for that one)

If it’s heart is beating harder than the fists of a guy pummeling Tom Barrett at the state fair…your dog definitely has  a drug problem!

10. Overpowering smell that comes with changing dirty diapers doesn’t seem that bad to new parents who’ve spent their lives living downwind of Kaukauna.

9. No matter how dumb your kid is, their third grade composition will seem like the work of Shakespeare after you’ve been reading the Post Crescent.

8. Driving around town pointing out all the bars, fun way to teach them to count to over a hundred.

7. No better way to demonstrate to a child the meaning of the phrase “time is money” than plugging quarters into downtown parking meters. 

6. They learn a healthy respect for the law by watching their parents drive carefully past police cruisers after they’ve had a couple beers.

5. Children are reminded to eat a healthy breakfast like a bowl of Rice Krispies every time they see Mayor Hanna who has started looking like Snap, Crackle and Pop’s grandfather.


4. Number of bars that have darts, pool, foosball, ski-ball and illegal gambling machines makes it feel like there’s a Chuck E. Cheese but without an underpaid kid in a stinky rat costume on nearly every block.

3. If they’re nearly beaten to death, Appleton’s mayor WILL count it as a violent crime.

2. Reading Outagamie County signs supporting Scott Walker good way to teach children how to NOT spell the word “governor”.

1. The Catholic church transferring fewer rapey priests to the area.