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may 18th


TOP TEN REASONS WHY AREA RESIDENTS DRINK SO MUCH

10. State DOT program where you get one free drunk driving arrest for every 10 punches on your card, far more popular than anticipated.

9. We're just trying to emulate the current governor by drinking until we can’t see straight.

8. We're just trying to emulate a former governor by drinking until we can’t speak straight.

7. Without fees collected from drunk driving repeat offenders, we’ wouldn't be able to afford never ending construction on Highway 41.

6. Hey, you try watching the Milwaukee Brewers sober.

5. People would never be able to survive the WAPL International Incident without an intensive year-round training regimen.

4. Thirty years ago, Appleton built a bridge leading into the downtown, then built a mall in the middle of the street so you couldn’t get anywhere. You can only justify something like that by blaming it on generations of institutional alcoholism.

3. After eating a steady diet of deep fried cheese curds, without the benefit of blood thinning alcohol, the stuff in our veins would have the same consistency of a nice fondue.

2. I swear to god, there is a number 2, I'm just too damn drunk right now to remember it!

1. You can’t wash the bad taste out of your mouth that comes from losing the North Division to the Vikings with just milk or seltzer.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:30 am Comment On This Post

may 11th

Inspired by Appleton Monthly's list, we came up with our own...

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO IN THE FOX VALLEY THIS SUMMER

10. Organize the 1st annual Kimberly Laxative Fest the weekend after 28th annual Little Chute Cheese Fest.

9. Go to the Bubolz Nature Preserve in Grand Chute. Hike the trails. Take a class. Or just try not to giggle every time you think about how much Bubolz sounds like "blue balls".

8. Bring Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt and a tiny saddle to the Greenville Catfish races. Tell everyone he’s a catfish jockey.

7. Visit Appleton's Paper Discovery Center where you can learn about the history of paper and annoy the proprietors by using their restroom and wiping with one of their exhibits.

6. Visit the Building for Kids in downtown Appleton. Try not to look too disappointed when they tell you don’t actually sell kids there, then flee before police arrive.

5. Visit Little Chute’s Windmill, the area’s only tourist attraction that both literally and figuratively blows.

4. Show an interest in local geology by examining the vast collection of rocks at the Weis Earth Science Museum at UW Fox or in Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna's head.

3. Drop by Mulberry Farm in Sherwood where “Milking a cow, catching a chicken, cuddling a kitten or kiss a pig” is all included in the admission. However, that thing you like to do with the sheep is going to cost you extra.

2. Attend Mile of Music and take a dump in Corey Chisel's hat.

1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend were the two of you go to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:59 am Comment On This Post

may 4th



WHAT TED CRUZ IS GOING TO DO NOW

10. Is going to start a new website called Punchable Face…book.

9. Will spend several weeks in a deep funk unable to get out of bed giving a new meaning to the name “Lyin’ Ted”.

8. Plans to spend more time with his family…and elbowing them in the face.

7. Will just kick back and relax with a couple of Molson’s like any good Canadian.

6. Will admit that he really is the Zodiac Killer, the lead singer of Stryper, Kevin from The Office and also Becky with the good hair.

5. Will have his running mate Carly Fiorina do what she does best…and let her fire his campaign staff.

4. Is going to get together with some buddies and a basketball to shoot some “rings”.

3. Going back to tucking his daughters in at night, giving them their good night kisses and watching them flinch.

2. He's going to Disneyland...oh, wait that's just for winners.

1. Will decide if he should license the new name John Boehner gave him last week, "Lucifer in the Flesh", to be used by a Rock Band, Race Horse or Porn Film.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:24 am Comment On This Post

apr 28th


TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE NEUROSCIENCE GROUP MASCOT THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE BALLS THAN BRAINS

10. Tommy Tea Bag

9. Peter Plums

8. Testy, My Besty

7. Lance Love Apples

6. Gilbert Giggle-Berries

5. Yacob Yambag

4. Chad Nads

3. Scrotty

2. Howie Hangin’

1. Sack-ajawea

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:08 am Comment On This Post

apr 12th


Yesterday Governor Walker encouraged people to buy his leftover Walker for President t-shirts for just $45 each to help him pay off his campaign debt. He suggested doing something "crafty" with them. Here's the...



TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH THE LEFTOVER WALKER FOR PRESIDENT SHIRTS

10. Dye them blaze orange so you have something to wear for hunting or weddings.

9. Add the word “white” before Walker and sell them to gullible Game of Thrones fans.

8. Add the words “Texas Ranger” after Walker and sell them to gullible Chuck Norris fans.

7. Burn them to fire bricks that can be used to start building his wall on the Canadian border.

6. Change the “L” in his name to an “N” so it looks like you support any of the candidates.

5. Cut them into strips and eat them. Find they are easier to pass than pro-teacher legislation in this state.

4. Use them to wipe your ass since they’re just about as biodegradable as the so called flushable wipes you’ve been using.

3. Use them to dab Rogaine on the governor's growing bald spot, excuse me, cabinet injury.

2. Stuff them in the mouth of jerky no-talent morning radio guys who make fun of his wonky eye.

1. Do what losing Super Bowl teams have done for years. Send them to third world countries like Kenya where some kid who gets one will do what the Governor couldn’t and become President of the United States one day.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:32 am Comment On This Post

mar 29th


A 24-year old man called the sheriff's department from Diamond Jim's Gentleman's Club near Janesville to report a stripper (seen above) allegedly bit him in the crotch. You gotta admit, getting bit inthe crotch is among the worst things that can happen to you in a strip club. Let's see where it ranks...

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT A STRIP CLUB

10. You happen to be wearing white pants on the same night the girl grinding on you learns a valuable lesson about trusting a fart.

9. After touching a stripper, the DJ says put your hands together, and they stick.

8. You get the all you can eat crab buffet and...they don't serve food.

7. During a lap dance, the dancer gets so close you feel her balls.

6. Your credit card is declined.

5. The strippers idea of “making it rain” is when during your lap dance, her water breaks.

4. On amateur night, your wife doesn’t make enough to cover your round of drinks.

3. The dancer bites your crotch.

2. The dancer bites your crotch...and her dentures get stuck on your zipper.

1. You find out the hard way how your grandmother has been making extra bingo money.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:15 am Comment On This Post

mar 2nd


Scandal!!!! Some folks think Hank the Dog has been replaced. Compare the photos of Hank from a couple years ago and Hank today. Same mutt, er no? If you agree that something hinky is going on, here are the....

ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION “WHERE IS THE REAL HANK THE DOG?” 

10. Doubled in size and became vicious after getting into Ryan Braun’s “medicine” cabinet.

9. Was traded to St. Louis for a dog that can do something Brewer infielders can’t do…catch a ball.

8. Took money from sales of Hank merchandise and got himself a posse and some bitches.

7. Is part bloodhound and went in search for missing Brewer pitching.

6. Is part bloodhound and went in search for missing Brewer hitting.

5. Died in a painful home neutering accident.

4. In Chicago, hiding under Jay Cutler’s helmet where every time he pees people just think Jay is crying again.

3. Perhaps someone should check the burn-pit at the Avery place.

2. Is it just me or does this Johnsonville brat taste…, you know… “different”?

1. Management did to him what they should have done to the whole team last season. Took him out back and shot him like "Old Yeller".
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

feb 17th


10. CBS again chose LL Cool J to host because paint drying apparently had another commitment.

9. Screwing up the sound during Adele’s performance at awards presented by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is like if the presentation of the award for Best Cinematography at the Oscars was done entirely out of focus.

8. Speaking of Adele, the either lighted her very poorly or get her to the hospital. The woman has jaundice.

7. R&B Singer, The Weeknd proved that black guys can’t pull off the Flock of Seagulls’ hair either.

6. During the salute to Lionel Ritchie, country singer Luke Bryan looked like he hadn’t taken a good dump since the Clinton administration.

5. Johnny Depp plays guitar like he acts…in the movie Mordecai.

4. Singer Ed Sheeran apparently shares a barber with Bernie Sanders.

3. Pitbull’s show closing number was perfect because I’m sure it made everyone get up leave.

2. Lady Gaga’s tribute to David Bowie should have been called Insufferable-gette City. (it was one Sweeny Sister shy of being a Saturday Night Live sketch)

1. Justin Bieber had the kind of mustache you usually only see on a guy who knocks on your door because the court requires he tell you he moved into your neighborhood.
posted by: Rick and Len at 6:15 am Comment On This Post

feb 8th


10. While Pepsi and Mountain Dew were suitable sponsors, this game really needed Red Bull and No-Doze.

9. The ad with the sheep looking for someone to love was sadly for Honda and not a new dating app.

8. Scott Baio is still alive and apparently likes guacamole.

7. When pregnant friends tell me they’re inducing labor, it just means they’re buying a bag or Doritos.

6. I’ve seen roast turkeys with better legs than Willem Dafoe.

5. Cam Newton really is good at dabbing if by dabbing you mean using a cloth to gently wipe away tears. 

4. We get it Steve Harvey. You screwed up. Let it go! 

3. Finally, there's a laxative for heroin users.

2. Not only is it okay to put catsup on your wiener, your wiener may like it.

1. Puppy Monkey Baby may have been creepy but not as nightmare inducing as watching Peyton Manning kiss Papa John.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:16 am Comment On This Post

jan 13th


SURPRISES FROM LAST NIGHT’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10. President Obama found Speaker of the House Paul Ryan's hot, moist breath on his neck oddly reassuring.

9. Thanks to an inflatable donut shaped cushion, Joe Biden made it through the whole speech without reapplying Preparation H.

8. I really missed John Boehner’s leathery, tear-covered, Cheeto colored face.

7. Falling temperatures outside of the capitol building still much warmer than Senator Marco Rubio’s cold, dead eyes.



6. Only some of the cutaway shots to Bernie Sanders and John McCain looked like ads for enlarged prostate medication.

5. After standing in line for two hours to get in, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson was extremely disappointed to learn he was not at the 8:10 showing of The Force Awakens.

4. Senator Ted Cruz was unable to attend due to it being his night to rub his mother's feet.

3. Despite numerous partisan applause breaks, none were loud enough to wake Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. (dipping in the wine again like last year or she came as Bill Cosby's date)

2. For at least the last third of the speech, Paul Ryan was clinically dead.



1. For someone as anti-gay as former Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis, she showed up for the speech dressed like a lesbian hillbilly.



posted by: Rick and Len at 10:37 am Comment On This Post

jan 12th


CRAZY THINGS RICK WOULD DO IF HE WON THE 1.5 BILLION DOLLAR POWERBALL

10. Hire a skilled optical surgeon to put ten years of tears back into Jay Cutler’s eyes.

9. Pay the creator of Pop Tarts to create Mom Tarts to finally put an end to 50 years of sexist Kellogg’s toaster pastries.  

8. Pay to develop a moist towelette powerful enough to permanently wipe that smug grin off the face of the so called affluenza kid.

7. Establish a charity that gives ugly lower back tattoos to elderly men called Gramp Stamps.

6. Convene a team of the world’s leading hair growth specialists to determine why Joe Buck’s efforts to grow a beard make him look like a blotchy, molting werewolf.

5. Restore much needed respect to the third digit of our numerical system by starting to market THREE percent milk and number THREE lead pencils.

4. Establish a branch of the Secret Service responsible solely for arresting and detaining people who knowingly fart in elevators.

3. Buy so many Packer neckties it makes Cameron Moreland's puny head explode.

2. Begin a worldwide support group staffed by the most gifted therapists to assist people mentally scarred by their inability to find a Coke bottle with their name on it.

1. Ask for it all in pennies just to piss them off.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

jan 12th


CRAZY THINGS RICK WOULD DO IF HE WON THE 1.4 BILLION DOLLAR POWERBALL

10. Hire a skilled optical surgeon to put ten years of tears back into Jay Cutler’s eyes.

9. Pay the creator of Pop Tarts to create Mom Tarts to finally put an end to 50 years of sexist Kellogg’s toaster pastries.  

8. Pay to develop a moist towelette powerful enough to permanently wipe that smug grin off the face of the so called affluenza kid.

7. Establish a charity that gives ugly lower back tattoos to elderly men called Gramp Stamps.

6. Convene a team of the world’s leading hair growth specialists to determine why Joe Buck’s efforts to grow a beard make him look like a blotchy, molting werewolf.

5. Restore much needed respect to the third digit of our numerical system by starting to market THREE percent milk and number THREE lead pencils.

4. Establish a branch of the Secret Service responsible solely for arresting and detaining people who knowingly fart in elevators.

3. Buy so many Packer neckties it makes Cameron Moreland's puny head explode.

2. Begin a worldwide support group staffed by the most gifted therapists to assist people mentally scarred by their inability to find a Coke bottle with their name on it.

1. Ask for it all in pennies just to piss them off.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

nov 9th 2015


THINGS THAT MADE AARON RODGERS THROW HIS TABLET

10. Porn Hub crashed just as the girl in the video opened the door for the pizza delivery guy.

9. Was THIS close to beating level 33 on Candy Crush.

8. Got email from Olivia Munn saying no to a three-way. 

7. Just finished watching the last clip of Trump on Saturday Night Live and realized what a laugh-free waste of time it was.

6. Learned his effort to get Carolina defense to stop sacking him by friending them on Facebook failed when they all denied his friend request.

5. Associate Head Coach Tom Clements told him he had video that showed an exploitable weakness in the Panthers defense but Rick rolled with that damn "Never Going to Give You Up" song.

4. Brett just sexted him.

3. He didn't think the limited supply of Bret Michaels tickets would sell out that fast.

2. Airline just sent seating assignments for the flight home. Middle seat between Raji and Guion again.

1. Saw he would've won $57 on Draft Kings if only he had started Cam Newton instead of himself.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:28 am Comment On This Post

nov 2nd 2015


PACKER EXCUSES

10. Several players spent bye week in Nevada precisely following Lamar Odom’s “training regimen”.

9. Due to confusion over daylight savings time, Packer offense showed up an hour late AND left an hour early.

8. The team thought it was settled by winning the coin toss and didn’t realize they still had to play the game.

7. After spending a night in weed friendly Colorado, team was too R-E-L-A-X-ed.

6. Their Damarious was more effective than our Demaryius.

5. If only the Broncos had committed more roughing the passer penalties, Packers could have extended more drives.

4. Not actually the Packers. It was the Bears dressed in Green and Gold for Halloween.

3. Receivers found it hard to catch the ball at the same time they were having their asses handed to them.

2. Distracted by Peyton Manning quietly singing under his breath "Chicken Parm you taste so good".

1. Defense would have been less lethargic if they hadn’t accepted those complimentary pre-game drinks from Bill Cosby.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:57 am Comment On This Post

oct 21st 2015


THINGS REPUBLICAN LEADERS PROMISED PAUL RYAN IF HE WOULD AGREE TO RUN FOR SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

10. Free baskets of pig wings and hell ice collected when his party unites.

9. Use of the Harry Potter invisibility cloak that apparently Governors Bobby Jindal and Jim Gilmore have been using since they started running for president.

8. Free health care to treat the wounds sustained falling on his own sword.

7. Some of whatever Ben Carson’s been smoking.

6. A home swimming pool filled with the tears of the former Speaker of the House.

5. They'll stop playing the theme from the Munsters every time he walks into a room.

4.  Free career advice from Carly Fiorina, if this job doesn’t work out. 

3. The secret to immortality possessed only by former Vice President Dick Cheney.

2. A couple hours left alone to gently nuzzle Reagan’s corpse.

1. Unlimited access to the party's vast supply of Oopma Loompa blood Trump and Boehner use to keep looking like ripe papayas.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:15 am Comment On This Post

oct 5th 2015


THINGS THAT PEOPLE THOUGHT WERE HAPPENING WHEN THEY HEARD SUNDAY’S FLY OVER

10. Pilots were probably suddenly hightailing it to San Francisco after just learning it was an away game. Oops!

9.  The U.S. was must be just launching a pre-emptive strike against Canada to clear the way for Governor Walker’s wall.

8. Pilots are probably flying low as possible to more easily pick up the game here on 105.7 WAPL…your FM home for Packer football.

7. Flyover must be headed to Milwaukee to help Brewers celebrate their 94th loss of the season!

6. The mother ship has finally arrived to return Tom Milburn to his home planet.

5. Military probably headed to Chicago to contain out-of-control celebrating by Bears fans who were shocked they won one game this season.

4. Don't know what that was but I bet it had something to do with Trump.   

3. Assumed Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna ordered a drone strike on homes of the alderman from Human Resources Committee who voted to cut his salary by 10 grand.

2. Pilots must been in a hurry to get to a bathroom after eating one of those black Burger King Whoppers.

1. Air Force apparently launched an emergency rescue mission bound for Green Bay to air lift out lost hikers stranded in the thick, over-growth of Mayor Schmitt’s eyebrows.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:33 am Comment On This Post

sep 25th 2015


WHY THE POPE SHOULD HAVE VISITED THE GREEN BAY AREA

10. Could have shared a ride on the Zippin’ Pippin with an area religious figure like Aaron Rodgers.

9. He cmight have helped save Door County from the forces of evil by vanquishing the FIBs that stayed past Labor Day.

8. He could have performed the world’s greatest miracle by creating a hat big enough to fit Tom Milbourn’s head.

7. Just as Jesus turned water into wine, he could have participated in sacred local tradition of turning beer into urine.

6. He could have taught that St. Vince dude some manners by showing him you take the big post hole digger hat off when you’re sitting in front of people at the game.

5. He could have checked to see how the Ten Commandments stack up against the new code of conduct for the Green Bay City Council.

4. He could gotten drivers on 41, 43, and 172 to use their directionals and drive the speed limit and that, my friends, would be a miracle.

3. He could tried to heal the lame, and what could be more lame than the WIXX morning show.

2. Some holy water, a little laying on of hands and a good word with the guy upstairs, he could have had Eddy Lacy and Jordy Nelson back in the game this week.

1. Just as Jesus fed the multitudes with just a loaf of bread and a couple fish, He could have tried to feed everyone at Paul’s Pantry with just the stolen meat from Green Bay Alderman Guy Zima’s pants.
posted by: Rick and Len at 4:00 pm Comment On This Post

sep 16th 2015


THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE NEW SPORTS ILLUSTRATED PROFILE OF AARON RODGERS

10. As a child was under the mistaken impression that there were female Pop Tarts called Mom Tarts.

9. During post game showers, occasionally peeks.

8. He’s only dating Olivia Munn for the free tickets to X-Men: Apocalypse.

7. Came in SECOND in poll about what person named Aaron area women most want to have sex with due to a Channel Five news anchor’s resounding popularity with lesbians.

6. Has an uncle who was a professional blackjack player until a debilitating head injury left him unable to count to 21 without taking off his shoes and dropping his pants.

5. After sustaining a brain rattling concussion in 2010 game against the Lions, spent about three hours mistakenly believing he was Captain Crunch.

4. College roommate operated an illegal drug lab until he blew all his money on cocaine and eucalyptus in an effort to create the first batch of menthol crack.

3. Is haunted by recurring nightmares about making a pinky swear with Larry McCarren.

2. His farts naturally smell like rainbows and sandalwood.

1. As a child, his family couldn’t always afford new clothes, so for Christmas one year his mother gave him an empty box that she claimed contained an invisible belt that he still puts on after every touchdown.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:31 am Comment On This Post

jul 28th 2015


Yahoo Travel is claiming that the "strangest tourist spot" IN THE WORLD is Wisconsin's House on the Rock. It may be odd, but I don't even think it's the strangest tourist spot in our state.

STRANGER WISCONSIN TOURIST SPOTS THAN HOUSE ON THE ROCK

10. The Menasha Hall of Dental Atrocities. 

9. The Branchless Family Tree of Bear Creek. 

8. The Sheboygan County Asylum Without Walls. 

7. The World’s Largest Hat Rack located in the men's dressing room in the Fox 11 News Department.

6. Located right behind the famous Mars Cheese Castle, the lesser known Mars Laxative Palace.

5. The Governor Scott Walker Railroad and Eye Crossing.

4. The former site of Ed’s Hand Made Furniture Emporium in Plainfield. 

3. The Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt Media Whore Brothel.

2. The Tommy Thompson empties repository…(the only Wisconsin landmark big enough to be seen from space). 

1. The Jeffery Dahmer Culinary Trail where you can visit the sites where Milwaukee's best known chef locally sourced all his choice sustainable protein.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:15 pm Comment On This Post

jul 20th 2015


Today is the 46th anniversary of the first manned moon landing...or is it?

WAYS TO TELL THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKED

10. When it returned to earth, Apollo 11 odometer only had 148 miles on it.

9. If you look closely at photos of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin you’ll see they look suspiciously like the two guys in the Sonic commercials.

8. It was faked by Meg Ryan after which Rob Reiner’s mother said “I’ll have what she’s having”.

7. The bag of moon rocks they brought back all had the words “A Souvenir of Bailey's Harbor" painted on them.

6. Cheese on surface of moon was clearly still in Kraft Singles wrappers.

5. Bumper sticker on back on the LEM read my other Lunar Excursion Module is a Corvette.

4. Armstrong's footprint on lunar surface bears surprising resemblance to bigfoot's who as we all know lives in the pacific northwest and deep south...not the moon.

3. There were 200 million Americans at the time. Do you really think we picked to be one of the first two people to walk in the moon, a guy named Buzz.

2. During historic CBS broadcast of the event, every time famed news anchor Walter Cronkite said "moon landing" he used his fingers to make air quotes.

1. Neil Armstrong claims when he got off the Lunar Module, Brian Williams was there to meet him.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:22 am Comment On This Post