A new survey revealed 10 things that 90% of Americans can agree on. Such as: 90% believe in God, oppose cloning, and beleive it's wrong for married people to have affairs. But what kind of things can we ALL agree on?



THINGS 100% OF AMERICANS CAN AGREE ON

10. That guy who held the three girls in Cleveland, it wouldn’t be so bad if a pitbull used his testicles as a chew toy.

9. No matter how much he denies it, Ryan Seacrest’s picture should be on a $3 bill.

8. We all hope we live long enough to see Justin Bieber have his career crash and burn, lose everything and eventually get arrested for breaking into vending machines for small change.

7. Kim Kardashian is more attractive when she’s not speaking.

6. Would rather party with Charlie Sheen than the late arch bishop Fulton Sheen.  

5. Rum Chata taste like the milk left in the bowl after eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.

4. Jay Cutler always looks like he would be more at home in a Twilight movie than a football game.

3. The Star Wars prequels sucked harder than a toothless whore.

2. Governor Walker’s eyes are so crossed he has to sit sideways at movie theaters.

1. It would be easier to get your partner to go downtown if our genitals tasted like bacon.

BIRTHDAY GIFTS FOR SPORTSCASTER JOE BUCK

10. An industrial strength shop vac so he has something that sucks almost as hard as he does.

9. A weekend at a nice B&B where he and broadcast partner Troy Aikman can finally consummate their forbidden man love.

8. A set of extra-large forceps that can be used to extricate his head from his ass. 

7. A box so tiny it could fit on the head of a pin to store everything he knows about football and baseball.

6. Something to improve the quality of his play by play commentary during NFL broadcasts…like a ball gag or muzzle.

5. A case of anal herpes so he can be just as a big of a pain in his own ass he is in everyone else’s.

4. A name that he doesn’t share with the male prostitute played by Jon Voigt in Midnight Cowboy who was still not as big a whore as he is.

3. An ounce of anything to fill the spot where the once of talent would be if he had it.  

2. Packs of extra coarse sandpaper which is still less grating that his on-air personality.

1. A couple cases of Shamwows that might help wipe that smug, self-important smirk off his douchey face.

THINGS YOU CAN DO SAVE THE PLANET AND CELEBRATE EARTH DAY THIS YEAR

10. Turn off your cell phones and communicate the old fashioned way…with smoke signals you can easily make by burning old car tires.

9. Instead of using over the counter sleep aids that are manufactured creating dangerous chemical by-products, try getting to sleep using natural means like drinking warm milk or watching Fox 11 news.

8. Get rid of your energy-burning air conditioners and come summer, reduce your own body temperature the natural way…by eating steady diet of Cool Ranch Doritos.

7. Don’t stand with the refrigerator door open while you decide what you want to eat when you can conserve energy by simply climbing  inside.

6. The next time you change the oil in your car, recycle the old stuff by using it to deep fry a turkey.

5. When grocery shopping, instead of using non-biodegradable shopping bags, just cook and eat all your purchases in the store.

4. Be like WIXX and get people to save energy by airing a morning show so lame they can’t help but turn off their radios.

3. Don’t flush your toilet every time you have to use the restroom when you could save thousands of gallons of water each year by simply driving to Fond du Lac and taking a leak on the sidewalk.

2. Do like we do, and preserve important natural humor reserves by continually recycling the same jokes.

And the number one thing you can do today to save the planet and celebrate earth day….

1. Put on your scarf, stocking cap, heated gloves, winter coat, snowmobile pants and fur lined boots and plant a festive spring garden.

THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR LOSING POWERBALL TICKET


10. Use it as a bookmark in your copy of Winning the Lottery for Dummies.

9. Use it as a coaster for all the beers you’re drinking to forget how much you wasted on f’n lottery tickets.

8. Write a note to your boss on it apologizing for telling him to stick your job up his butt yesterday since you didn’t need it anymore because you were going to win the lottery.

7. Use it as toilet paper (though to be honest, you should have just wiped you ass with the two dollar bills you bought the ticket with since you were basically just flushing it down the toilet anyway).

6. Use it as kindling to start a fire to burn down your house so you can use the insurance money to buy more losing lottery tickets.

5. Throw it out your car window while passing a cop and receive a ticket for littering which will have only a slightly less of a chance of winning you 580 million dollars than your actual lottery ticket did.

4. Keep it in a frame in a highly visible spot in your home as a constant reminder of what a disappointment it was the same way my mother used to keep pictures of me.

3. Roll it and use it a holder for the cigarette butts you’re picking up because you can’t afford to buy your own since you blew all your cash on lottery tickets.

2. Send it to the little African kid you’re sponsoring for just 33 cents a day to show him why he’s not going to eat this week.

1. Lick it and stick it to your forehead. See if you feel like even more of an idiot than you did for wasting your money on the ticket in the first place.

WHAT I’M GOING TO MISS ABOUT THE 2012 ELECTION SEASON



10. Watching Obama’s ears flap in the breeze during windy outdoor rallies.

9. All the exercise my thumb gets hitting the fast forward and mute buttons on my TV/DVR remote.

8. Not putting my clean dishes away just in case Paul Ryan drops by unannounced to rewash them.

7. Donald Trump proving you don’t have to work for America’s biggest fast-food burger chain to become the nation’s most famous clown.

6. Saving money on toilet paper thanks to stacks of campaign brochures piling up daily in my mailbox.

5. Never having to set my alarm clock because I know I’ll be awakened before long by a phone call from some pre-recorded douchebag.

4. Watching Mitt Romney periodically check his nose during debates to see if it’s growing.

3. Listening to the sound of Joe Biden’s cackling laugh and trying to decide if someone said something funny or if he’s just off his meds.

2. Picturing Tommy Thompson and Tammy Baldwin doing it as a way to induce vomiting after accidental poisonings.

1. Who am I kidding? Not a frickin’ thing!!!

One pundit last night was saying that we need another Presidential debate. Yeah, like Illinois needs another a-hole!

But then I thought, maybe he’s right here’s the top 10…

REASONS WE NEED A 4TH PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

10. The two hours the debates are on is the only time there isn’t a frickin’ singing competition on TV.

9. At least they’re slightly less painful than watching the Bears win.

8. There are probably still a couple more elderly news men who still haven’t moderated one.

7. I can bake frozen pizzas by just setting them in front of my TV and letting the residual heat from the candidates’ intense burning hatred for each other do the job.

6. One more debate might just be enough for me to finally make a decision… to take my own life.

5. Without debates to mock, Saturday Night Live more likely to do more of those pointless “What’s up with that?” sketches.

4. My neighbors will be lost without the rhythmic sound of me banging my head against the wall that lulls them to sleep at night.

3. The debates are best forum we have for bucking up the nation’s floundering bunting and podium industries.

2. Without the debates, we’d have to watch a Jermichael Finley highlight reel to see someone drop the ball as much these guys.

1. The time the debates are on are the only two hours all week I can turn on the TV without being bombarded with Obama and Romney ads.

According to an article in the Post Crescent this weekend, Grand Chute has become prostitution central.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE APPLETON AREA HAVING SO MANY ESCORTS

10. Otherwise, you’d have to go to city hall if you want to get jerked around.

9. Without area escort services Minnesota Vikings would refuse to stay at the Paper Valley Hotel.

8. Only other private pole dancers presently available for hire in the area are the Borgajewski Sisters who do one hell of a polka.

7. Not everybody can wait for Timber Rattlers’ Wednesday home games to get a bang for their buck.

6. Some guys are tired of the downtown hot dog vendor being the only person in town you can pay to handle your wiener.

5. Without escorts, if you’re seeking trampy looking women with too much make-up willing who do degrading things for money in Appleton, you have to stare in the window of the NBC 26 downtown studio while they’re doing the news.

4. Gives pathetic area losers a number to call other than the WIXX request line.

3. Without escorts, the only other thing a guy in the Appleton area can pay for that leaves him with feelings of disappointment, humiliation and self-loathing is the Post Crescent.

2. Former Appleton mayor Dorothy Johnson could use the extra cash.

1. It’s just nice to have somebody other than just me and Len who get paid to suck!

So it’s the 30th Olympics, or as it’s displayed on my cable listings “The XXX Olympic Games”. You can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in, and they weren’t triple X at all. So, here’s our suggestions on….

WAYS TO MAKE THE XXX OLYMPICS MORE XXX

10. Instead of their necks, have male winners hang their medals from a different appendage.

9. Following women’s table tennis matches, winner gets to use their paddle to spank the loser for being a naughty, naughty girl.

8. Ban long fiberglass sticks and make pole vaulting a competition between Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee.

7. Replace modern pentathlon with modern penetrationthon.

6. Combine men’s and women’s relay races, run them naked and hey, ouch, that’s not a baton.

5. Show entire women’s beach volleyball matches in slow motion with porn music.

4. Require athletes in all events to grunt like the women’s tennis players.

3. Add 50 gallons of Jello to all women’s wrestling events.

2. During badminton matches have female announcer who uses low sexy voice every time she says the word “shuttlecock”.

1. Make women’s kayaking less about rowing and more about paddling the pink canoe.

This week, the Post Crescent claimed that they unraveled the mystery of a UFO was spotted over Fox Cities stadium last Saturday. They say it was just fireworks. Like space aliens wouldn’t be drawn to Grand Chute. We disagree. In fact, we think there’s 10….

REASONS UFOS WOULD COME TO GRAND CHUTE

10. Big summer sale on alien size panties at the Dress Barn.

9. Drawn by the mouthwatering aroma of  burning Italian food from last week’s Bucca de Beppo fire.

8. Didn’t have enough change for the meters to park their spaceship in Appleton.

7. They were looking for their leader, a humanoid with grayish complexion and enormous, oversized head, and didn’t realize they’d overshot the Fox 11 studio by 30 miles.

6. They were looking for other alien life forms and figured there was no better place to start than Wal-Mart.

5. There is no #5. It was abducted by space aliens.

4. Thought somebody was signaling them but it was just the sun reflecting off our news honey, Jeanne Anthony’s freshly Armor-Alled face.

3, While looking for perfect place to land, spotted large red bull’s-eye on Fox River Mall.

2. Needed a Grand Chute because the Little Chute wasn’t big enough for the anal probe.

1. Hey, they were searching for signs of intelligent life. Where were they going to land? Sheboygan?

A man who hangs around New York’s Central Park dressed as Elmo, the lovable Sesame Street character, was handcuffed by New York City cops Sunday and whisked away in an ambulance after he launched into one of his trademark anti-Semitic rants. The unidentified man in the Elmo costume was removed from the vicinity of the Central Park Zoo, where he has alternately posed for photos with park visitors, screamed curses, and launched into diatribes about assorted Jewish conspiracies



OTHER SHOCKING REVELATIONS ABOUT THE MUPPETS

10. Big Bird…hangs out at waysides begging burly truckers to pluck him hard.

9. Animal…a debilitating head injury made him a vegetable before dying and becoming a mineral.

8. Elmo…Forget the tickling…only thing that makes him giggle is his annual prostate exam.

7. Dr. Bunson Honeydew…charged with unintentional manslaughter after Beeker was killed in an explosion in his illegal meth lab.

6. Cookie Monster…a group of Girl Scout accused him of inappropriately touching their Dose-Se-Does.

5. Kermit…has dangerously high cholesterol caused by 30 years of eating pork.

4. Ernie…left Bert for brief, torrid affair with Ricky Martin.

3. Oscar the Grouch…was recently arrested for soliciting a undercover officer to stick things in his can.

2. The Swedish Chef…was actually born in Kenya, yet despite pleas from Donald Trump refuses to release actual birth certificate.

1. Fozzie Bear…chunks of a couple hikers who went missing in Yellowstone found in his stool.

A woman in Columbus, Ohio is suing the city because they impounded her 2002 Saturn after an accident and won’t return it. She is demanding 500 BILLION DOLLARS in damages.

TOP TEN FEATURES THAT WOULD MAKE A CAR WORTH 500 BILLION DOLLARS

10. Cigarette lighter is a topless hottie with a great rack wielding a 18K gold Zippo.

9. Seat not only warms your butt but wipes it as well.

8. There’s an honest lawyer in the trunk…and those are so rare one must be worth at least a couple hundred billion.

7. Ballistic missile launcher for dealing with overly aggressive tailgaters or Illinois drivers.

6. Upholstered seats made entirely from tough, leathery skin of crazy tanning mom.

5. Every time you honk your horn it magically takes 10 seconds off the life of a Kardashian.

4. It’s made entirely from spare parts of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.

3. Every time you blow a gasket, it blows you back.

2. Has a unique internal combustion engine that eschews gas in favor of running on infinite supply of crushed dreams of disappointed Cubs fans.

1. Has a radio that not only filters out political ads but also has no 101.1.

A guy in Manchester, New Hampshire was robbed while wearing a chicken suit. What kind of guys robs a dude dressed like a chicken? How little self-respect does this guy have as a criminal? To help you avoid making the same mistake, here’s the…

TOP TEN THINGS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE ROBBING A GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT



10. How do you think a guy busted for robbing a kid in a chicken suit will do in prison?

9. Do you want to get charged with “fowl play”?

8. Does he know the 11 secret herbs and spices.

7. If this goes wrong, am I okay being known as the guy who got the stuffing beat out of him by some dude dressed like Big Bird’s special needs cousin?

6. How much money could a guy who makes a living impersonating poultry really be carrying?

5. How long until the Statue of Liberty woman is back outside the tax place?

4. If I throttle him during the robbery, will I be charged with choking the chicken in public?

3. Is he concealing a gun in his egg hole?

2. What’s more embarrassing? Wearing a chicken suit? Robbing a guy wearing a chicken suit. Or getting your ass kicked by Scott Walker twice in less than two years?

1. Will I fry for this?

10. Overpowering smell that comes with changing dirty diapers doesn’t seem that bad to new parents who’ve spent their lives living downwind of Kaukauna.

9. No matter how dumb your kid is, their third grade composition will seem like the work of Shakespeare after you’ve been reading the Post Crescent.

8. Driving around town pointing out all the bars, fun way to teach them to count to over a hundred.

7. No better way to demonstrate to a child the meaning of the phrase “time is money” than plugging quarters into downtown parking meters. 

6. They learn a healthy respect for the law by watching their parents drive carefully past police cruisers after they’ve had a couple beers.

5. Children are reminded to eat a healthy breakfast like a bowl of Rice Krispies every time they see Mayor Hanna who has started looking like Snap, Crackle and Pop’s grandfather.


4. Number of bars that have darts, pool, foosball, ski-ball and illegal gambling machines makes it feel like there’s a Chuck E. Cheese but without an underpaid kid in a stinky rat costume on nearly every block.

3. If they’re nearly beaten to death, Appleton’s mayor WILL count it as a violent crime.

2. Reading Outagamie County signs supporting Scott Walker good way to teach children how to NOT spell the word “governor”.

1. The Catholic church transferring fewer rapey priests to the area.

THINGS YOU’D USE TO BLIND YOURSELF WITH RATHER THAN CHOOSING BETWEEN LOOKING AT THE OCTOMOM PORNO OR A NAKED MAGAZINE LAYOUT OF THE TANNING BED MOM.

10. The 10-foot pole women wouldn’t touch Rick with.

9. Enough bleach to disinfect they entire cast of the Jersey Shore.

8. A dull straight razor. (that one particularly for fans of early 20th century surrealist Spanish filmmaking.)

7. Eye socket sized stainless steel melon-baller.

6. Rusty fishing lure with dirty Eagle Claw treble hook.

5. The needle of a syringe you found dangling from Courtney Love’s bony arm.

4. Same ice pick you used to chip off a few cubes to make yourself a drink you incorrectly thought would be strong enough to get those naked images out of your head.

3. Ralphie’s Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle from A Christmas Story.

2. One of those long, metal poles they stick in a chicken’s ass to make it go around on a rotisserie.

1. The sharp pointy tip of one of the Kardashian sister’s dunce caps.

SURPRISES FROM OBAMA’S SPEECH THURSDAY NIGHT


10. Spent the entire speech chain smoking Newports.

9. He asked congress for $30 billion dollars to financing sending each unemployed American a nice plate of fudge.

8. He grew a bitchin’ Fu Manchu mustache that makes the one Aaron Rodgers had look like peach fuzz.

7. Spent three quarters of the speech singing along with Kid Rock while watching NFL Kick Off celebration streaming on his iPad

6. Admitted the reason the Jennifer Lopez split with Mark Anthony is he’s been banging Lopez like a cheap gong.

5. Kept referring to the always orange Speaker of the House John Boehner as Snookie with a penis.

4. Tried to distract nation from the on-going economic crisis by begging his Vice President Joe Biden to shoot an old man in the face.

3. Spent most of the speech trying out material he’d prepared for the upcoming Comedy Central Charlie Sheen Roast. (it was creepy how he kept calling Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi his “goddesses”.)

2. Revealed the only job he was really interested in saving was his own.

1. Admitted “No, we cant”.

10. 5.8 not nearly a big enough jolt to knock any sense into congress.

9. If a quake that powerful hit the Midwest it could reduce Detroit to unlivable rubble if Detroit wasn’t already unlivable rubble.

8. Earthquake damage is expected to take months for residents to repair, weeks for Insurance evaluators to assess and seconds for Republicans to blame on Obama.

7. I wonder if the Tsunami watch for the reflecting pool between the Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument has expired.

6. After engineers discovered a crack near the top of the Washington Monument, former DC mayor Marion Berry immediately smoked it.

5. Today, experts will evaluate the damage the top of the Washington Monument. They’ll decide if it can be repaired, in which case they’ll call in stone masons or if the tip has to be removed in which case they call in a rabbi.

4. After the quake, the underwear of east coast residents had more brown spots than a herd of leopards.

3. There is no #3. It’s hiding under it’s bed in case there’s an aftershock.

2. It was probably caused by Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson hitting a tectonic plate while trying to dig us out of this hole.

1. The National Cathedral sustained significant damage while Fed-Ex Field and thousands of bars were largely unaffected proving even god would rather get drunk and watch football on Sunday than go to church.