TOP TEN SCOOPS ABOUT STAR WARS VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS
10. We’ll see Leia put another medal around Luke’s neck like she did at the end of the first movie only to have Kanye West jump on stage and declare that Beyoncé deserved it more.
9. Despite the image of a downed Imperial Star Destroyer in the trailer, there is will be no evidence in the film that Brian Williams was on it when it crashed like he claims.
8. Darth Vader’s full name will be revealed to have actually been Darth Hussein Vader.
7. Instead of Jabba the Hut forcing his slave girls wear metal bikinis, in Hillary Clinton’s honor he’ll make them wear metal pant suits.
6. Filmmakers were unable to film the movie in California because conditions were too dry for the scenes set on the desert planet of Tatooine.
5. While trying to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, The Millennium Falcon will mysteriously vanish as it takes a short cut through Malaysia.
4. Despite Mose Isley's Cantina still being "a wretched hive of scum and villainy", we’ll see that they’ve refused to admit Bill Cosby ever since he tried slipping a roofy to a hot Wookie.
3. With the Empire already destroyed, this movie will focus on efforts to overthrow the government of Indiana so R2D2 doesn’t get discriminated against when goes there to marry a sexy Roomba.
2. Still riddled with doubt, Luke will go on the Maury Povich show to find out if Darth Vader was really his father.
1. Chewbacca’s costume will look more realistic due to the fact that it’s been made entirely from the excess hair plucked from Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt’s eyebrows.