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aug 5th 2014


10. Mark Murphy announced the Hall of Fame is also inducting a large wad of Ray Rhodes’ chewing gum.

9. It was revealed that the REAL reason he came out of retirement to play for the Jets and Vikings was to avoid listing to Deanna nag him about mowing the lawn. 

8. Lambeau Ring of Honor also making room for a selection of John Madden lip prints from Brett’s ass.

7. Since his former coach Mike Holmgren will be unable to attend, will be replaced by Chumley the cartoon Walrus. 

6. They are also retiring the number of Brett’s pharmacist. (his cellphone number, that is)

5. Only reason Brett agreed to return to Green Bay is the prospect of a big sweaty hug from Larry McCarren.

4. Instead of holding ceremony at Lambeau, Hall of Fame induction will be take place in the basement of the old Philling Station bar in downtown Appleton.

3. Brett hopes Hall of Fame induction will keep him from being remembered like a character in Brokeback Mountain, a well-meaning country boy who’s balls always ended up in the wrong guy’s hands.

2. In a fitting tribute to his family, Hall of Fame exhibit will also include a selection of items shoplifted by his sister and the bathtub she made meth in.

1. When they retire Brett’s number 4, they’re putting the word “inches” after it.
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:15 am Comment On This Post

jul 24th 2014


10. Tie him to the tracks of the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.

9. Stick Chip or Dale so far up his butt Richard Gere turns green with envy. 

8. Bind and gag him and toss him in the Finding Nemo pond where he’ll sleep with the fishes.

7. Require him to go in head first to relieve Dumbo's constipation.

6. Make him walk the plank on the Pirates of the Caribbean. (Change name to Pirates of the Caribbieber.)

5. Let the seven dwarves repeatedly hit him in the head with their pick axes. That’s the kind of work that would definitely make me whistle while doing.

4. Make him have sex with Pluto or Donald since he’s already f’n goofy.

3. Hold his tongue on Walt Disney’s frozen body until it sticks there.

2. Cut off his penis and appropriately display it on the It’s a Small World ride.

1. Make him pay full price admission!
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:16 am Comment On This Post

may 1st 2014

A new Gallup Poll show that 50% of Illinois residents wish they lived in another state.


10. Sick of being FIBS, would rather move to Ohio and become FOBS.

9. Too hard to drive like an a-hole in state where so does everyone else.

8. Many fear impending earthquake may be set off by the constant rumbling of George Halas continually turning over in his grave for the past 30 years.

7.  Afraid if they get arrested, they may have to share a prison cell with one of their many incarcerated former governors.

6. Years of watching Simon Cowell on TV, makes them want to move to Hollywood where they apparently pay big money for being a rude, arrogant douchebag.

5. Following reports of plans to put the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago, they're afraid someone might start to make them learn how to read.

4. After years of vacationing in Door County and the Wisconsin Dells, would like to try their hands at ruining other lovely tourist destinations.

3. Just want to live in a state with a professional football team.

2. Many getting sick of living among all the creepy Ditka porn ‘staches…even the ones on the guys.

1. Not enough beaches in the state because most of the sand is in their starting quarterback’s vagina.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:16 am Comment On This Post

mar 7th 2014


10. He could share a ride on the Zippin’ Pippin with area religious figure like Aaron Rodgers.

9. He could help defeat the forces of evil and vanquish the satanic minions…when they come up from Chicago to play at Lambeau.

8. He could perform the world’s greatest miracle by creating a hat big enough to fit Tom Milbourn’s head.

7. Just as Jesus turned water into wine, could participate in sacred local tradition of turning beer into urine.

6. He could teach that St. Vince dude some manners by showing him you take the big post hole digger hat off when you’re sitting in front of people at the game.

5. If he can polish off the 93 ounce Gilbert Burger at Champion’s Sports Bar He gets a free autographed picture of former Packer Gilbert Brown.

4. Could get drivers on 41, 43, and 172 to use their directionals and drive the speed limit and that, my friends, would be a miracle.

3. He could try to heal the lame, and what could be more lame than the WIXX morning show.

2. Just as Jesus fed the multitudes with just a loaf of bread and a couple fish, He could try to feed everyone at Paul’s Pantry with just the meat from Brown County Supervisor Guy Zima’s pants.

1. Hey, somebody’s going to have to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the new downtown Wal-Mart on Broadway.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

mar 6th 2014

A guy got tossed off both Twitter and Vine this week for posting pics of himslef having sex with a Hot Pocket. No, seriously! Why? Well....


10. They are already filled with chicken or beef. Why not add sausage?

9. Wanted to see what it was like doing it with Lindsey Lohan so stuck his junk in the first thing he could find that was crusty and full of its own cheese.

8. Why should old socks, warm apple pies and cantaloupes with holes cut in them have all the fun?

7. He couldn’t hump a ham sandwich because he’s Jewish.

6. If he was going to hump a COLD pocket, he might as well be married.

5. Says right on the box they are “irresistibly hot” which is the same way you would describe Kate Upton, therefore having sex with a Hot Pocket is just like having sex with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.   

4. They sort of look like a vagina…but only if you squint real hard and have only seen really deformed vaginas.

3. Trying to get back at his ex-girlfriend whom he caught in the act with a Subway Five Dollar Foot-Long.

2. If he’d humped a corn dog people would have thought he was gay.

And the number one reason for humping a Hot Pocket…

1. It’s got to be better than eating one!
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

jan 21st 2014
The Jets Kellen Winslow Jr. was arrested in November for possession of synthetic marijuana. Now it comes out that has allegedly masturbating in his automobile in a Target parking lot at the time. Winslow explained yesterday that he wasn't masturbating, just changing his clothes...with two empty jars of Vaseline in the front console. Riiiiight!


10. Roughing the li’l passer.

9. Committing illegal use of hands.

8. Beating his opponent off the line.

7. Committing a personal foul.

6. Doing a pump fake.

5. Muffing his own punt.

4. Pounding it right up the middle

3. Engaging in illegal motion downfield.

2. Running a short AND curly route.

1. Getting the ball off just in time.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

jan 6th 2014

49er's lineman Anthony Davis Tweeted Saturday calling Appleton, where he and his teammates were staying, a "sh*thole". He doesn't explain how he came to that conclusion. Here's some possible reasons...


10. Was disgusted by living conditions in the primate house of the downtown Appleton zoo, not realizing he was actually looking in the window of the NBC 26 valley bureau.

9. No matter how many quarters he stuck in those thin four foot tall slot machines that are about a car length apart on the curb all along College Avenue, they never once paid off.

8. Despite her solid performances in the Hunger Games movies, can’t believe we named a whole university after Jennifer Lawrence.

7. Visited both Houdini Plaza and the Houdini Museum and never found out who or where Dini is.  

6. What kind of city has a crappy downtown that has only one retail store dedicated exclusively to Caged Mixed Martial Arts clothing and fight gear?
5. Only chalk markings downtown are on sandwich boards listing restaurant specials and not on the street marking where dead bodies were found like back in New Jersey where he’s from.

4. Grand Chute hotel whores won’t take a debit card from an out of state bank.

3. Despite seeing a building that clearly said Trout Museum, it didn’t have so much as one stuffed and mounted fish in its entire collection.

2. Despite seeing a building that clearly said Children’s Museum, it didn’t have so much as one stuffed and mounted CHILD in its entire collection.

1. Believes city puts mental health patients to work instead of caring for them after accidentally tuning into Saturday morning edition of Best of Rick and Len.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:21 am Comment On This Post

oct 23rd 2013


10. Threaten to drop it on North Korea and give entire country some kind of cooter-borne yeast infection.

9. Sell it to the city of Green Bay. Let the Mayor shimmy up it to get things off the top of his desk.

8. Give it an honorary degree in gynecology since it’s seen more women’s private parts than an OB/GYN nurse, a Planned Parenthood doctor and Charlie Sheen combined.

7. Relocate it to Menasha where among all the Shutkoskis, Lingnofskis and Povlowskis, it’ll blend in with all the other poles.

6. If it could hold up thousands of big Wisconsin strippers for 40 years, it should be able to hold up the sagging Leo Frigo Bridge.

5. Lend it out to women to use as the ten foot pool they won’t touch Rick with. 

4. Sell it to Kanye West so she can use it as a blinged out replacement for the stick he already has up his ass.

3. Let NASA send it on first manned plight to Mars. Use it as a flag pole claiming Mars on behalf of the United States and spreading to another planet American democracy and a particularly virulent strain of space herpes.

2. Use it to replace the main frame computer for the Obamacare website. While the Paradise Club stripper pole has no actual computing power, neither, apparently does the main frame computer for the Obamacare website.

1. Give it to Jay Cutler so he can use it to work out once his sprained vagina heals.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:20 am Comment On This Post

oct 15th 2013


10. Too hard getting his helmet on over his big pope hat.

9. There’s no pocket for his holy water bottle in his assless chaps.

8. Figured he didn’t need it anymore since he popped that 1450 V Twin engine into the Popemobile. 

7. Kept getting his rosary beads tangled in his wallet chain.

6. Getting more and more difficult finding affordable black leather cassocks.

5. You try getting up for 6am mass on Sunday morning after a long Saturday poker run.

4. Always getting his vestments caught in the g-damn crankshaft.

3. Got tired of people asking him he we was with the Holy Rollers.

2. Caught a lot of flak for letting Full Throttle Saloon use the Vatican baptismal fountain for wet T shirt contests during this past summer’s bike week.

1. Just like most guys, his wife is making him!
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

aug 21st 2013


10. “My dog ate my activation button.” 

9. “The storm was at 12:30 in the morning and I was afraid those noisy sirens might wake someone”.

8. “Didn’t realize managing response to emergencies was responsibility of Director of Emergency Management.”

7. “I did activate the sirens, but being exposed to all that loud music during Mile of Music left most county residents too deaf to hear them. Oh wait, the storm was before Mile of Music. Oops. Never mind.” 

6. “Was watching a rerun of my favorite episode of Nancy Grace, the one where she was upset about something and didn’t hear the storm approaching.” 

5. “The storm did not occur during regular business hours and Outagamie County had not authorized overtime.”

4. “Pushed the wrong button repeatedly. Turned out I wasn’t activating the sirens, I was just playing with myself.” 

3. “Activation button not easy to find when you have your head up your ass”.

2. “I’m a big Packer fan and figured if I really dropped the ball people would think I’m Jermichael Finley”.

1. “I was in my basement for my safety because, in case you hadn’t heard, there was a big storm coming.”
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

may 31st 2013


10. Without his shimmering bald head, the shiniest thing in the studio will be the gold Spandex unitard Zalaski wears when he wrestles himself.

9. No longer need to schedule extra recycling pick up to take away all the empty Jameson bottles every St. Patrick’s Day.

8. With no ordained deacon in their employ, the only religious ceremonies that will occur in the newsroom will be when Shelly Boutott butchers live goats as her annual sacrifice to her dark lord Satan.

7. Unspoken sexual tension between him and Erin to be replaced with more awkward banter between her and Dave Miller.

6. Without beloved radio personalities stopping by to become victims of Mahoney’s dementia fueled pie attacks, whenever the rest of the staff wants to get slathered in flying whipped dairy product they’ll have to just cream themselves.

5. News studio will smell of fresh monkey feces following the hiring of only replacement with the right skills to correctly predict the weather just as well as Tom did.

4. Without his old toupee laying around anymore, now when you see a big wad of matted hair in the building, there’s a 50% chance Erin Davisson didn’t clean up after shaving her legs.

3. Without his old toupees laying around anymore, now when you see a big wad of matted hair in the building, there’s a 50% chance Zalaski’s pubic wig fell off.

2. Justin Steinbrink to inherit the dice, dart board and flipping coin Tom has used to predict weather throughout his career.

1. Without his daily forecasts, the only thing that will be totally wrong 90% of the time will be Zalalski’s choice of suits.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:15 am Comment On This Post

may 20th 2013

After high life savings on Powerballl tickets, Rick didn't win Saturday's $590 million dollar Powerball drawing. Seriously! How could he not win with 5 sets of  numbers? Worst of all, he was so certain of winning, he already shot the wad and spent of $590 million,.


10. Bought myself a 14 karat gold, jet powered Zamboni.

9. Paid to have the Washington Monument circumcised.

8. Purchased the rights to the TV show The View. Recast it with five angry, brain damaged monkeys. Will wait as long as I have to for someone to notice the change.  

7. Had one of those flying Ironman suits made in a double X. Okay, 3 X.

6. Hired Aaron Rodgers to mow my lawn to supplement his measly 110 million dollar contract.

5. Contracted a team of bounty hunters to locate the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio and force her to turn my inflatable doll into a real girl who will inevitably leave me in two months for some douchebag.

4. Bought Rome’s priceless 400-year-old Trevi Fountain and filled it with Schlitz.

3. Got painful series of Botox injections to get rid of all the unsightly wrinkles in my face and ball sack.

2. Stupidly pledged to donate 11 million to some sketchy charity every time Ricky Week’s strikes out.

1. Filled Soldier Field to the rim with Spaghettios so Bears fans will have a reason to say “Oh-oh” other than when Cutler throws another interception.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:43 am Comment On This Post

may 14th 2013
A new survey revealed 10 things that 90% of Americans can agree on. Such as: 90% believe in God, oppose cloning, and beleive it's wrong for married people to have affairs. But what kind of things can we ALL agree on?


10. That guy who held the three girls in Cleveland, it wouldn’t be so bad if a pitbull used his testicles as a chew toy.

9. No matter how much he denies it, Ryan Seacrest’s picture should be on a $3 bill.

8. We all hope we live long enough to see Justin Bieber have his career crash and burn, lose everything and eventually get arrested for breaking into vending machines for small change.

7. Kim Kardashian is more attractive when she’s not speaking.

6. Would rather party with Charlie Sheen than the late arch bishop Fulton Sheen.  

5. Rum Chata taste like the milk left in the bowl after eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.

4. Jay Cutler always looks like he would be more at home in a Twilight movie than a football game.

3. The Star Wars prequels sucked harder than a toothless whore.

2. Governor Walker’s eyes are so crossed he has to sit sideways at movie theaters.

1. It would be easier to get your partner to go downtown if our genitals tasted like bacon.

posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 25th 2013


10. An industrial strength shop vac so he has something that sucks almost as hard as he does.

9. A weekend at a nice B&B where he and broadcast partner Troy Aikman can finally consummate their forbidden man love.

8. A set of extra-large forceps that can be used to extricate his head from his ass. 

7. A box so tiny it could fit on the head of a pin to store everything he knows about football and baseball.

6. Something to improve the quality of his play by play commentary during NFL broadcasts…like a ball gag or muzzle.

5. A case of anal herpes so he can be just as a big of a pain in his own ass he is in everyone else’s.

4. A name that he doesn’t share with the male prostitute played by Jon Voigt in Midnight Cowboy who was still not as big a whore as he is.

3. An ounce of anything to fill the spot where the once of talent would be if he had it.  

2. Packs of extra coarse sandpaper which is still less grating that his on-air personality.

1. A couple cases of Shamwows that might help wipe that smug, self-important smirk off his douchey face.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:48 am Comment On This Post

apr 23rd 2013


10. Turn off your cell phones and communicate the old fashioned way…with smoke signals you can easily make by burning old car tires.

9. Instead of using over the counter sleep aids that are manufactured creating dangerous chemical by-products, try getting to sleep using natural means like drinking warm milk or watching Fox 11 news.

8. Get rid of your energy-burning air conditioners and come summer, reduce your own body temperature the natural way…by eating steady diet of Cool Ranch Doritos.

7. Don’t stand with the refrigerator door open while you decide what you want to eat when you can conserve energy by simply climbing  inside.

6. The next time you change the oil in your car, recycle the old stuff by using it to deep fry a turkey.

5. When grocery shopping, instead of using non-biodegradable shopping bags, just cook and eat all your purchases in the store.

4. Be like WIXX and get people to save energy by airing a morning show so lame they can’t help but turn off their radios.

3. Don’t flush your toilet every time you have to use the restroom when you could save thousands of gallons of water each year by simply driving to Fond du Lac and taking a leak on the sidewalk.

2. Do like we do, and preserve important natural humor reserves by continually recycling the same jokes.

And the number one thing you can do today to save the planet and celebrate earth day….

1. Put on your scarf, stocking cap, heated gloves, winter coat, snowmobile pants and fur lined boots and plant a festive spring garden.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

nov 29th 2012

10. Use it as a bookmark in your copy of Winning the Lottery for Dummies.

9. Use it as a coaster for all the beers you’re drinking to forget how much you wasted on f’n lottery tickets.

8. Write a note to your boss on it apologizing for telling him to stick your job up his butt yesterday since you didn’t need it anymore because you were going to win the lottery.

7. Use it as toilet paper (though to be honest, you should have just wiped you ass with the two dollar bills you bought the ticket with since you were basically just flushing it down the toilet anyway).

6. Use it as kindling to start a fire to burn down your house so you can use the insurance money to buy more losing lottery tickets.

5. Throw it out your car window while passing a cop and receive a ticket for littering which will have only a slightly less of a chance of winning you 580 million dollars than your actual lottery ticket did.

4. Keep it in a frame in a highly visible spot in your home as a constant reminder of what a disappointment it was the same way my mother used to keep pictures of me.

3. Roll it and use it a holder for the cigarette butts you’re picking up because you can’t afford to buy your own since you blew all your cash on lottery tickets.

2. Send it to the little African kid you’re sponsoring for just 33 cents a day to show him why he’s not going to eat this week.

1. Lick it and stick it to your forehead. See if you feel like even more of an idiot than you did for wasting your money on the ticket in the first place.
posted by: Rick and Len at 7:27 pm Comment On This Post

nov 5th 2012

10. Watching Obama’s ears flap in the breeze during windy outdoor rallies.

9. All the exercise my thumb gets hitting the fast forward and mute buttons on my TV/DVR remote.

8. Not putting my clean dishes away just in case Paul Ryan drops by unannounced to rewash them.

7. Donald Trump proving you don’t have to work for America’s biggest fast-food burger chain to become the nation’s most famous clown.

6. Saving money on toilet paper thanks to stacks of campaign brochures piling up daily in my mailbox.

5. Never having to set my alarm clock because I know I’ll be awakened before long by a phone call from some pre-recorded douchebag.

4. Watching Mitt Romney periodically check his nose during debates to see if it’s growing.

3. Listening to the sound of Joe Biden’s cackling laugh and trying to decide if someone said something funny or if he’s just off his meds.

2. Picturing Tommy Thompson and Tammy Baldwin doing it as a way to induce vomiting after accidental poisonings.

1. Who am I kidding? Not a frickin’ thing!!!
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:04 am Comment On This Post

oct 23rd 2012
One pundit last night was saying that we need another Presidential debate. Yeah, like Illinois needs another a-hole!

But then I thought, maybe he’s right here’s the top 10…


10. The two hours the debates are on is the only time there isn’t a frickin’ singing competition on TV.

9. At least they’re slightly less painful than watching the Bears win.

8. There are probably still a couple more elderly news men who still haven’t moderated one.

7. I can bake frozen pizzas by just setting them in front of my TV and letting the residual heat from the candidates’ intense burning hatred for each other do the job.

6. One more debate might just be enough for me to finally make a decision… to take my own life.

5. Without debates to mock, Saturday Night Live more likely to do more of those pointless “What’s up with that?” sketches.

4. My neighbors will be lost without the rhythmic sound of me banging my head against the wall that lulls them to sleep at night.

3. The debates are best forum we have for bucking up the nation’s floundering bunting and podium industries.

2. Without the debates, we’d have to watch a Jermichael Finley highlight reel to see someone drop the ball as much these guys.

1. The time the debates are on are the only two hours all week I can turn on the TV without being bombarded with Obama and Romney ads.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:15 pm Comment On This Post

oct 15th 2012
According to an article in the Post Crescent this weekend, Grand Chute has become prostitution central.


10. Otherwise, you’d have to go to city hall if you want to get jerked around.

9. Without area escort services Minnesota Vikings would refuse to stay at the Paper Valley Hotel.

8. Only other private pole dancers presently available for hire in the area are the Borgajewski Sisters who do one hell of a polka.

7. Not everybody can wait for Timber Rattlers’ Wednesday home games to get a bang for their buck.

6. Some guys are tired of the downtown hot dog vendor being the only person in town you can pay to handle your wiener.

5. Without escorts, if you’re seeking trampy looking women with too much make-up willing who do degrading things for money in Appleton, you have to stare in the window of the NBC 26 downtown studio while they’re doing the news.

4. Gives pathetic area losers a number to call other than the WIXX request line.

3. Without escorts, the only other thing a guy in the Appleton area can pay for that leaves him with feelings of disappointment, humiliation and self-loathing is the Post Crescent.

2. Former Appleton mayor Dorothy Johnson could use the extra cash.

1. It’s just nice to have somebody other than just me and Len who get paid to suck!
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:00 pm Comment On This Post

jul 30th 2012
So it’s the 30th Olympics, or as it’s displayed on my cable listings “The XXX Olympic Games”. You can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in, and they weren’t triple X at all. So, here’s our suggestions on….


10. Instead of their necks, have male winners hang their medals from a different appendage.

9. Following women’s table tennis matches, winner gets to use their paddle to spank the loser for being a naughty, naughty girl.

8. Ban long fiberglass sticks and make pole vaulting a competition between Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee.

7. Replace modern pentathlon with modern penetrationthon.

6. Combine men’s and women’s relay races, run them naked and hey, ouch, that’s not a baton.

5. Show entire women’s beach volleyball matches in slow motion with porn music.

4. Require athletes in all events to grunt like the women’s tennis players.

3. Add 50 gallons of Jello to all women’s wrestling events.

2. During badminton matches have female announcer who uses low sexy voice every time she says the word “shuttlecock”.

1. Make women’s kayaking less about rowing and more about paddling the pink canoe.
posted by: Rick and Len at 3:51 pm Comment On This Post