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sep 27th



TOP TEN BIGGEST SURPRISES OF THE DEBATE

10. For the entire 90 minutes, Hillary was able to maintain human form.

9. Trump’s continuous sniffling conclusively proved it’s possible to be allergic to your own bull crap.

8. When Hillary smiled, her face did not shatter.

7. Despite there being little or no evidence of the fact, apparently moderator Lester Holt was in attendance for the entire debate.

6. Hillary was able to remain upright and speaking despite reportedly suffering from pneumonia, Parkinson’s, brain damage, syphilis, Mad Zombie Disease and a bad case of cooties.

5. Despite being coached by Roger Ailes, Donald at no point called Hillary “Honey”, “baby”, “Sweetie pie” or anything that rhymed with “grunt”.

4. The guy who called Ted Cruz’s wife ugly and accused Ted’s father of assassinating JFK got upset because that bad lady was mean to him.

3. Hillary expressed a concern about what would happen if Trump got his hands on the nuclear codes when she knows full well the codes are too big for such little hands.

2. Despite chuckling a number of times, Clinton's laugh did not actually summon a flock ravens.

1. There was no bloodshed.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:38 am Comment On This Post

sep 12th


PUNISHIMENTS FOR MAYOR JIM SCHMITT

10. Lifelong suspension from the Lollypop Guild.

9. Bring tasty snacks to work each day but always put them on a high shelf.

8. Force him to resign from mayor’s office and return to his old job, chasing after the kids who stole his Lucky Charms.

7. Browbeat him by literally beating him with his own enormous eyebrows.

6. Take him down to the ole hollow tree behind the Keebler office and let Ernie and the boys administer some old fashioned elf justice.

5. Remove all the Garanimal tags off his clothing so he can no longer dress himself.

4. Sentence him 5 years to standing directly behind a tall, flatulent man.

3. No more off-o-work-you-go kisses from Snow White, no matter how High the Ho might be.

2. Forcibly shave his eyebrows and use the hair to make fur coats for baboons going through chemo.

1. Put one of those "You must me at least this tall" signs on his wife.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:02 am Comment On This Post

aug 24th


A new study showed that the radio is the 2nd most comforting sound for Americans, right behind birds chirping. WAPL may be a lot of things, but we never before thought of it as "comforting" until now. Here's the...

MOST COMFORTING THINGS ABOUT LISTENING TO WAPL

10. Hearing Ross Maxwell shout at and deride people makes you realize your mother-in-law could actually be worse.

9. Every time John on the Road Show talks about something he "saw", you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that if he hasn't gone blind yet, what your mother told you about doing that thing couldn't possibly be true.

8. You don’t get worked up by talk of the Zika virus knowing that no mosquito could be as dangerous as the bug that is safely and permanently contained up Len’s ass.

7. You can rest assured you never have to worry about embarrassing yourself by not knowing the correct pronunciation of “plantar fasciitis”.

6. Listening to Roxanne’s voice helps you relax knowing you’re saving $3.99 a minute not counting the slight uptick it causes in your Kleenex budget.

5. You can feel reassured knowing that if you ever run afoul of the mob, the FBI will find a new identity and safe place for you just like they did for Tim “the hit man” Hart, or as he used to be known, Vinnie “the hit man” Gamberino, formerly of Teaneck, New Jersey.

4. Only a mad man would not feel comforted by hearing “Wooo” 20 or 30 times a day.

3. If you are a parent of a teen that you’re convinced never will amount to anything, the Road Show is comforting proof they could still find a job that doesn’t involve cleaning up poop or washing some rich guy’s balls.

2. You take comfort in knowing your virility isn't in question because for some reason, every time you hear Elwood on the New Male Medical ad you get the weirdest boner.

1. Whenever you hear Rick’s voice broadcasting from the WAPL studio you can rest assured he’s at leady not hanging around outside your kid’s elementary school or playground.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:33 am Comment On This Post

aug 2nd


REASONS WHY AN EVIL CLOWN IS WANDERING AROUND GREEN BAY

10. Just swapping make-up tips with Tom Zalaski.

9. Seeing as it’s been 8 months since the Packer-Bear debacle at Lambeau, figured local residents could use a fresh dose of nightmare fuel.

8. He’s trying to prove there actually is something in the world scarier than Mayor Schmitt’s eyebrows.

7. Demonstrating to local residents that not all evil clowns have orange hair and tiny hands.

6. If this summer’s malfunction didn’t make the Zippin Pippin seem even scarier, try riding it while sitting next to an embittered cast-off from season 6 of American Horror Story.

5. Heading over to Seroogy's for quality candy to stock his windowless panel van.

4. Needs to fill his balloons and knows there's no better source of hot air than Guy Zima.

3. In town to attend funeral of 43 other clowns killed in a recent one-car accident.

2. Staring in a Let Me Be Frank Productions musical version of Stephen King's It.

1. He’s probably doing the same thing most evil clowns do in Green Bay, running for city council.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:17 am Comment On This Post

jul 21st


SURPRISES AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

10. Animal control responded to a late night call after Trump’s hair escaped and was found humping one of the Duck Dynasty guy’s beards.

9. Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato are both still alive and apparently, not the same person.

8. Despite his deep respect for both, Trump chose neither Vladimir Putin or the rotting corpse of Saddam Hussein as his running mate.

7. The devil himself did not make an appearance to personally endorse Trump because he’s too scared of malevolent repercussions from the Clintons.

6. After being run for two whole days by Trump, the convention still hasn’t filed for bankruptcy.

5. His Vice President was chosen through careful behind the scenes vetting process and not a special All Star Edition of Celebrity Apprentice.

4. Security stopped an orangutan at the door that wanted its taint hair back.

3. Despite being repeatedly humiliated by Trump in recent weeks, when Chris Christie appeared on stage last night, he was not wearing a ball gag and leather gimp mask.

2. Donald tore himself away from arduous task of trolling Central European strip clubs looking for the next Mrs. Trump long enough to attend.

1. Hillary did not fly over the Quicken Loans arena last night spelling out "Surrender Donald" with her broomstick.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:52 am Comment On This Post

jul 13th


A woman in Polk County in Northwest Wisconsin was arrested for allegedly performing sexual acts for money...in a chicken coop.

SIGNS SOMEBODY IS RUNNING A BROTHEL IN YOUR CHICKEN COOP

10. Eggs not the only thing getting laid.

9. Instead of "cock a doodle doo", all you hear from the coop is "cock a doodle do..me".

8. A blonde girl keeps making that motion with her hand like she’s tossing feed but that’s not feed in her hand.

7. No clucking or plucking but still a lot of ucking going on.

6. Eggs retrieved from coop too rubbery to eat due to hens consuming so many used condoms.

5. When she was busted and charged, the officer didn’t know if he should spell “foul play” it with a “u” or a “w”.

4. The girl's pimp bears a striking resemblance to Colonel Sanders.

3. When local gamers wander by looking for Pokémon, all they find is a man poking woman.

2. You keep hearing this…"Oh my god, there's a chicken in the bed!" (Paris Hilton audio)

1. To make it seem more like a legitimate site for illegal prostitution, they’ve decorated the coop look to look like a Grand Chute motel room.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:47 am Comment On This Post

jun 21st


The new Gallup pole indicates that congress has an impressive 13% approval rating. Here are some...

WAYS CONGRESS COULD BOOST THEIR POPULARITY

10. Vote to authorize use of Obamacare funds to buy every red blooded American two six packs and a hooker.

9. Authorize the use of military force to keep the peace in Green Bay City Council meetings.

8. Pass bill requiring the US Postal Service to add LSD to the glue they use on postage stamps. And while it may not improve their popularity, it will make old people mailing letters talk about more interesting things than how it used to only cost a nickel to mail a first class letter.

7. Threaten to defund the Environmental Protection Agency unless they designate Kim Kardashian’s lady hole as a Super Fund clean-up site.

6. Approve funding for search and rescue mission to retrieve missing Americans who have been lost or trapped in Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt’s eyebrows.

5. Approve immediate use of FEMA funds to treat people affected by prolonged exposure to Joe Buck doing golf coverage.

4. Prosecute the Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” guy who is now doing ads for Sprint on Federal treason charges. 3. Entertain a worried nation by hosting a National Kick a Congressman in the Crotch contest.

2. Shore up both floundering bottled water and distilled vinegar industries by voting to authorize drilling in Jay Cutler.

1. Have them reveal to a grateful nation that the 2016 presidential campaign has really just been a very entertaining exercise in performance art before introducing the real candidates; two bright, normal likeable people capable of logical reasoning and civilized discourse and who don’t have chunks of anthracite coal where their souls should be and piles of fresh, steaming horse manure where their brains should be.

posted by: Rick And Len at 10:40 am Comment On This Post

jun 21st


THINGS RICK WOULD THINK ABOUT TO DELAY THE MOMENT IF HE WAS ACTUALLY HAVING SEX

10. Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna in his big floppy hat.

9. Len playing the greatest hits of Iggy Azalea on his accordion.

8. Licking Main Street in Fond du Lac clean on Saturday night.

7. The governor’s cold, wonky eye.

6. Tom Milbourn doing the chicken dance in a banana hammock.

5. What it would feel like to wear a hand knitted sweater made exclusively from hair extracted from warts on Rosie O’Donnell’s back fat.

4. What Kaukauna would smell like if you added a Limburger cheese factory.

3. Donald Trump giving me the finger while wearing baby mittens on his wee-little hands.

2. A cupcake frosted with pus from Carol’s infected ear hole.

1. Doing hand stands in a Porta John on the last day of Country USA.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:19 am Comment On This Post

jun 13th



TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT HAVING ROSS HERE INSTEAD OF LEN

9. Ross doesn’t beat me with a switch the way Len does if I only come up with nine items for the top ten list.

8. Cuts the old people smell in the studio by half.

7. Women are drawn to Ross’s adorable muffin ass like flies to poop.

6. Ross smells only of stale beer and resentment not patchouli and hippy juice like Len does after his long weekends.

5. I have someone in the studio to Twerk with during AC/DC songs.

4. Ross doesn’t complain as much as Len does about helping me manscape.

3. Reduces Carol’s bitching about having to “work with those a-holes” by almost 20%.

2. Ross’ sunny disposition and vibrant personality gives me an excuse to take an extra Prozac.

1. Since Ross doesn’t play accordion, he doesn’t need me to periodically rub medicated balm on his chaffed nipples.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:35 am Comment On This Post

may 18th


TOP TEN REASONS WHY AREA RESIDENTS DRINK SO MUCH

10. State DOT program where you get one free drunk driving arrest for every 10 punches on your card, far more popular than anticipated.

9. We're just trying to emulate the current governor by drinking until we can’t see straight.

8. We're just trying to emulate a former governor by drinking until we can’t speak straight.

7. Without fees collected from drunk driving repeat offenders, we’ wouldn't be able to afford never ending construction on Highway 41.

6. Hey, you try watching the Milwaukee Brewers sober.

5. People would never be able to survive the WAPL International Incident without an intensive year-round training regimen.

4. Thirty years ago, Appleton built a bridge leading into the downtown, then built a mall in the middle of the street so you couldn’t get anywhere. You can only justify something like that by blaming it on generations of institutional alcoholism.

3. After eating a steady diet of deep fried cheese curds, without the benefit of blood thinning alcohol, the stuff in our veins would have the same consistency of a nice fondue.

2. I swear to god, there is a number 2, I'm just too damn drunk right now to remember it!

1. You can’t wash the bad taste out of your mouth that comes from losing the North Division to the Vikings with just milk or seltzer.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:30 am Comment On This Post

may 11th

Inspired by Appleton Monthly's list, we came up with our own...

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO IN THE FOX VALLEY THIS SUMMER

10. Organize the 1st annual Kimberly Laxative Fest the weekend after 28th annual Little Chute Cheese Fest.

9. Go to the Bubolz Nature Preserve in Grand Chute. Hike the trails. Take a class. Or just try not to giggle every time you think about how much Bubolz sounds like "blue balls".

8. Bring Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt and a tiny saddle to the Greenville Catfish races. Tell everyone he’s a catfish jockey.

7. Visit Appleton's Paper Discovery Center where you can learn about the history of paper and annoy the proprietors by using their restroom and wiping with one of their exhibits.

6. Visit the Building for Kids in downtown Appleton. Try not to look too disappointed when they tell you don’t actually sell kids there, then flee before police arrive.

5. Visit Little Chute’s Windmill, the area’s only tourist attraction that both literally and figuratively blows.

4. Show an interest in local geology by examining the vast collection of rocks at the Weis Earth Science Museum at UW Fox or in Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna's head.

3. Drop by Mulberry Farm in Sherwood where “Milking a cow, catching a chicken, cuddling a kitten or kiss a pig” is all included in the admission. However, that thing you like to do with the sheep is going to cost you extra.

2. Attend Mile of Music and take a dump in Corey Chisel's hat.

1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend were the two of you go to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.

posted by: Rick And Len at 10:59 am Comment On This Post

may 4th



WHAT TED CRUZ IS GOING TO DO NOW

10. Is going to start a new website called Punchable Face…book.

9. Will spend several weeks in a deep funk unable to get out of bed giving a new meaning to the name “Lyin’ Ted”.

8. Plans to spend more time with his family…and elbowing them in the face.

7. Will just kick back and relax with a couple of Molson’s like any good Canadian.

6. Will admit that he really is the Zodiac Killer, the lead singer of Stryper, Kevin from The Office and also Becky with the good hair.

5. Will have his running mate Carly Fiorina do what she does best…and let her fire his campaign staff.

4. Is going to get together with some buddies and a basketball to shoot some “rings”.

3. Going back to tucking his daughters in at night, giving them their good night kisses and watching them flinch.

2. He's going to Disneyland...oh, wait that's just for winners.

1. Will decide if he should license the new name John Boehner gave him last week, "Lucifer in the Flesh", to be used by a Rock Band, Race Horse or Porn Film.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:24 am Comment On This Post

apr 28th


TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE NEUROSCIENCE GROUP MASCOT THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE BALLS THAN BRAINS

10. Tommy Tea Bag

9. Peter Plums

8. Testy, My Besty

7. Lance Love Apples

6. Gilbert Giggle-Berries

5. Yacob Yambag

4. Chad Nads

3. Scrotty

2. Howie Hangin’

1. Sack-ajawea

posted by: Rick And Len at 10:08 am Comment On This Post

apr 12th


Yesterday Governor Walker encouraged people to buy his leftover Walker for President t-shirts for just $45 each to help him pay off his campaign debt. He suggested doing something "crafty" with them. Here's the...



TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH THE LEFTOVER WALKER FOR PRESIDENT SHIRTS

10. Dye them blaze orange so you have something to wear for hunting or weddings.

9. Add the word “white” before Walker and sell them to gullible Game of Thrones fans.

8. Add the words “Texas Ranger” after Walker and sell them to gullible Chuck Norris fans.

7. Burn them to fire bricks that can be used to start building his wall on the Canadian border.

6. Change the “L” in his name to an “N” so it looks like you support any of the candidates.

5. Cut them into strips and eat them. Find they are easier to pass than pro-teacher legislation in this state.

4. Use them to wipe your ass since they’re just about as biodegradable as the so called flushable wipes you’ve been using.

3. Use them to dab Rogaine on the governor's growing bald spot, excuse me, cabinet injury.

2. Stuff them in the mouth of jerky no-talent morning radio guys who make fun of his wonky eye.

1. Do what losing Super Bowl teams have done for years. Send them to third world countries like Kenya where some kid who gets one will do what the Governor couldn’t and become President of the United States one day.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:32 am Comment On This Post

mar 29th


A 24-year old man called the sheriff's department from Diamond Jim's Gentleman's Club near Janesville to report a stripper (seen above) allegedly bit him in the crotch. You gotta admit, getting bit inthe crotch is among the worst things that can happen to you in a strip club. Let's see where it ranks...

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT A STRIP CLUB

10. You happen to be wearing white pants on the same night the girl grinding on you learns a valuable lesson about trusting a fart.

9. After touching a stripper, the DJ says put your hands together, and they stick.

8. You get the all you can eat crab buffet and...they don't serve food.

7. During a lap dance, the dancer gets so close you feel her balls.

6. Your credit card is declined.

5. The strippers idea of “making it rain” is when during your lap dance, her water breaks.

4. On amateur night, your wife doesn’t make enough to cover your round of drinks.

3. The dancer bites your crotch.

2. The dancer bites your crotch...and her dentures get stuck on your zipper.

1. You find out the hard way how your grandmother has been making extra bingo money.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:15 am Comment On This Post

mar 2nd


Scandal!!!! Some folks think Hank the Dog has been replaced. Compare the photos of Hank from a couple years ago and Hank today. Same mutt, er no? If you agree that something hinky is going on, here are the....

ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION “WHERE IS THE REAL HANK THE DOG?” 

10. Doubled in size and became vicious after getting into Ryan Braun’s “medicine” cabinet.

9. Was traded to St. Louis for a dog that can do something Brewer infielders can’t do…catch a ball.

8. Took money from sales of Hank merchandise and got himself a posse and some bitches.

7. Is part bloodhound and went in search for missing Brewer pitching.

6. Is part bloodhound and went in search for missing Brewer hitting.

5. Died in a painful home neutering accident.

4. In Chicago, hiding under Jay Cutler’s helmet where every time he pees people just think Jay is crying again.

3. Perhaps someone should check the burn-pit at the Avery place.

2. Is it just me or does this Johnsonville brat taste…, you know… “different”?

1. Management did to him what they should have done to the whole team last season. Took him out back and shot him like "Old Yeller".
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

feb 17th


10. CBS again chose LL Cool J to host because paint drying apparently had another commitment.

9. Screwing up the sound during Adele’s performance at awards presented by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is like if the presentation of the award for Best Cinematography at the Oscars was done entirely out of focus.

8. Speaking of Adele, the either lighted her very poorly or get her to the hospital. The woman has jaundice.

7. R&B Singer, The Weeknd proved that black guys can’t pull off the Flock of Seagulls’ hair either.

6. During the salute to Lionel Ritchie, country singer Luke Bryan looked like he hadn’t taken a good dump since the Clinton administration.

5. Johnny Depp plays guitar like he acts…in the movie Mordecai.

4. Singer Ed Sheeran apparently shares a barber with Bernie Sanders.

3. Pitbull’s show closing number was perfect because I’m sure it made everyone get up leave.

2. Lady Gaga’s tribute to David Bowie should have been called Insufferable-gette City. (it was one Sweeny Sister shy of being a Saturday Night Live sketch)

1. Justin Bieber had the kind of mustache you usually only see on a guy who knocks on your door because the court requires he tell you he moved into your neighborhood.
posted by: Rick And Len at 6:15 am Comment On This Post

feb 8th


10. While Pepsi and Mountain Dew were suitable sponsors, this game really needed Red Bull and No-Doze.

9. The ad with the sheep looking for someone to love was sadly for Honda and not a new dating app.

8. Scott Baio is still alive and apparently likes guacamole.

7. When pregnant friends tell me they’re inducing labor, it just means they’re buying a bag or Doritos.

6. I’ve seen roast turkeys with better legs than Willem Dafoe.

5. Cam Newton really is good at dabbing if by dabbing you mean using a cloth to gently wipe away tears. 

4. We get it Steve Harvey. You screwed up. Let it go! 

3. Finally, there's a laxative for heroin users.

2. Not only is it okay to put catsup on your wiener, your wiener may like it.

1. Puppy Monkey Baby may have been creepy but not as nightmare inducing as watching Peyton Manning kiss Papa John.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:16 am Comment On This Post

jan 13th


SURPRISES FROM LAST NIGHT’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10. President Obama found Speaker of the House Paul Ryan's hot, moist breath on his neck oddly reassuring.

9. Thanks to an inflatable donut shaped cushion, Joe Biden made it through the whole speech without reapplying Preparation H.

8. I really missed John Boehner’s leathery, tear-covered, Cheeto colored face.

7. Falling temperatures outside of the capitol building still much warmer than Senator Marco Rubio’s cold, dead eyes.



6. Only some of the cutaway shots to Bernie Sanders and John McCain looked like ads for enlarged prostate medication.

5. After standing in line for two hours to get in, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson was extremely disappointed to learn he was not at the 8:10 showing of The Force Awakens.

4. Senator Ted Cruz was unable to attend due to it being his night to rub his mother's feet.

3. Despite numerous partisan applause breaks, none were loud enough to wake Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. (dipping in the wine again like last year or she came as Bill Cosby's date)

2. For at least the last third of the speech, Paul Ryan was clinically dead.



1. For someone as anti-gay as former Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis, she showed up for the speech dressed like a lesbian hillbilly.



posted by: Rick And Len at 10:37 am Comment On This Post

jan 12th


CRAZY THINGS RICK WOULD DO IF HE WON THE 1.5 BILLION DOLLAR POWERBALL

10. Hire a skilled optical surgeon to put ten years of tears back into Jay Cutler’s eyes.

9. Pay the creator of Pop Tarts to create Mom Tarts to finally put an end to 50 years of sexist Kellogg’s toaster pastries.  

8. Pay to develop a moist towelette powerful enough to permanently wipe that smug grin off the face of the so called affluenza kid.

7. Establish a charity that gives ugly lower back tattoos to elderly men called Gramp Stamps.

6. Convene a team of the world’s leading hair growth specialists to determine why Joe Buck’s efforts to grow a beard make him look like a blotchy, molting werewolf.

5. Restore much needed respect to the third digit of our numerical system by starting to market THREE percent milk and number THREE lead pencils.

4. Establish a branch of the Secret Service responsible solely for arresting and detaining people who knowingly fart in elevators.

3. Buy so many Packer neckties it makes Cameron Moreland's puny head explode.

2. Begin a worldwide support group staffed by the most gifted therapists to assist people mentally scarred by their inability to find a Coke bottle with their name on it.

1. Ask for it all in pennies just to piss them off.
posted by: Rick And Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post