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apr 21st 2010

So, this past weekend, I went to see the movie Kick Ass. As I was leaving the theater, I made a stop in the restroom. I entered the stall to do my business and the guy in the next stall was barking out orders. "Hurry up!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "GET OUT!!!!" At first I thought he was yelling at me. After a few moments, I realized his instructions were directed at someone (or something) in his own stall. Did he have small child he was trying to get to finish? Did he have a sex partner...whom he was trying to get to finish? After sneaking a clandestine peek under the stall and seeing only one pair of feet, it dawned on me. He was talking to to his ass!

It's been a few years since I've had an uncomfortable situation with someone carrying on a conversation in the adjoining stall in a public restroom. At that time, I wrote about my experience for the publication The Scene. For those of you who missed it, here it is.

NATURE CALLS by Rick McNeal

There's an old saying that goes, "Manners are for the poor and plain. The rich and beautiful can do as they like."

Having neither Ross Perot's money nor George Clooney's looks (or vice-versa, for that matter), I have always felt compelled to try to observe proper etiquette. However, I recently found myself in a situation so perplexing it would have had Miss Manners turning over in her grave if, sadly, she weren't still alive.

Before I get to the story of my protocol predicament, I need to tell you some pertinent information about myself.

For the last dozen years or so I've suffered from an unusual medical condition for which, as far as I know, there is no cure. While this infirmity is enduring, it is not terminal. And while it causes me some inconvenience, it thankfully causes me no pain. And what is the nature of this medical malady? Well, whenever I'm in a library or bookstore, within 10 minutes, without fail, I have an urgent need to use the restroom!

Proper decorum prevents me from being too graphic about which bodily function is triggered by the proximity of a large number of books. Suffice to say, being surrounded by thousands of volumes that are tightly bound causes me to become loosely bound, if you catch my drift (and if you were in the adjoining stall, you almost certainly would).

I don't know if this condition has an official medical name, since I have never consulted a professional. Who would I see, a gastroenterologist, a proctologist, or a librarian? However, I've come to refer to my ailment as chronic “biblio-rhea". I think the Latin term is Ex-lax Ex Libre.

Now that you know my dirty little secret, I can get back to my question of etiquette.

A few weeks ago, I was perusing periodicals at Barnes and Noble in Appleton. (Actually, it's in Grand Chute, in the same plaza as The Dress Barn. What next, The Panty Silo? But I digress...) Predictably, after about five minutes, the biblio-rhea kicked in.

I made my way to the men's room, found an empty stall and put it to its intended use. A few moments later, I heard the restroom door open and another person enter. He went to the second stall and began doing the same thing I was doing, only much more loudly. Suddenly, amid the grunts and splashes emitted by my noisy neighbor, there came another sound, cutting through the air like a knife. It was the ringing of his cell phone!

My comrade of the commode turned out to be the type who speaks into a phone so loudly his caller would have heard him just a well using two Dixie cups and 10 miles of string. As a result, I couldn't help but eavesdrop as he answered, "Oh, hi! I'm at Barnes and Noble. I’m sitting in the café having a latte!"

Sitting in the café having a latte? I’ve heard a lot of euphemisms for what he was doing in the next stall. Copping a squat. Pinching a loaf. Dropping the kids off at the pool. But I’ve never heard it referred to as "sitting in the café having a latte."

Ok. He was just too embarrassed to admit what he was really doing (but apparently not so embarrassed that he didn't just leave the phone in his pocket and down around his ankles). Far be it from me to begrudge this guy his little white lie. But he unknowingly put me in a tough spot.

You see, I had just finished my "paperwork" and was ready to move on. This left me faced with an etiquette question worthy of Emily Post (or more appropriately, Emily Com-Post). What do you do when you are finished using the toilet but the person in the next stall is still in the middle of a phone call?

I seriously doubt this thought ever even entered Miss Post's proper little head...or Alexander Graham Bell's for that matter. In the days before cordless phones and cell phones, about the only place you could carry on a phone conversation while using the toilet was in an expensive hotel. (Remember what I said about manners and the rich!) But in today's world, talking on the toidy isn't even considered rude. It's just "multi-tasking".

So what could I do? As I saw it, I had three options, none of them ideal.

1) I could continue to sit in my stall, unintentionally listening in on his private conversation. This certainly didn't seem like proper etiquette. 2) I could quietly skulk out of the stall without flushing, leaving a couple of "kids in the pool" for the next user to deal with. I was certain this was not the well-mannered thing to do, Or 3) I could flush, the sound of which would most assuredly make the person on the other end of the phone realize that his friend was not really "sitting in the café having a latte" but rather squatting in the bathroom brewing up his own pot of "crap-puccino." This option seemed not only impolite but downright mean.

But what could I do? When faced with three options, none of which are viable, you have to learn to improvise. And that's just what I did!

I stood up. Pulled up my pants. Zipped my zipper. Buckled my buckle. And flushed the flusher! Loudly and proudly, over the "whoooosh" of the swirling toilet water vortex, I yelled "Sorry our espresso machine is so loud!"

It not only seemed like good etiquette. It was the least I could do for a fellow biblio-rhea sufferer!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 20th 2010
Today is, of course, 4-20 and school officials in some parts of the country have warned their teachers to not eat any brownies or cookies offered to them by students today. As a public service of the Rick and Len Show, we've put together these warning signs that...

THERE MIGHT BE POT IN THOSE BROWNIES

If every time the student makes something for your school bake sale, it's bought by Willie Nelson...there might be pot in those brownies.

If after eating one, your mouth is so dry your tongue has grown a cactus...there might be pot in those brownies.

If Betty Crocker on the box of mix they used can't stop giggling...there might be pot in those brownies.

If you actually think you saw Betty Crocker on the box of mix they used giggling...there might be pot in those brownies.

If Bill Clinton claims he chewed them but he didn't swallow...there might be pot in those brownies.

If every time the student finishes mixing up a batch, Snoop Dogg stops by to lick the spoon and bowl...there might be pot in those brownies.

If after just a couple bites, the whites of your eyes are so red old ladies mistaking them for hats gather around them and hold a meeting...there might be pot in those brownies.

If anything on this list made you laugh...there was definitely pot in those brownies!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 19th 2010
What do you think is THE BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME?

Every weekday morning at about 9 (until the end of May) we'll select one entry and play that day's BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME!

If we select your entry, we'll put you in a drawing to win an iPod Touch!!!

Enter now by clicking on the BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME icon!

And make sure you tell us WHY you think your selection is THE BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME!!!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 19th 2010
Join us all this week on the Rick and Len Show for your chance to win tickets to see Larry the Cable Guy for an evening of sleeveless, bare-armed, blue collared, redneck comedy May 16th at the Weidner Center in Green Bay.
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 19th 2010
According to ABC, "Ladies Love Larry King" Yes, THAT Larry King!. Why? In spite of the fact the the only acceptable response to that question is "Beats the hell out of me!", we've still managed to come up with 10 reasons.

WHY WOMEN FIND LARRY KING SO SEXY

10. Dust is a powerful aphrodisiac.

9. Those lumpy adult diapers make it look like he’s really packing.

8. Used to love watching him host HBO's Tales from the Crypt.

7. All a woman has to do to have sex with him is get on top and let his Craftmatic Adjustable bed do all the work.

6. They find it adorable how at the point of climax he always yells "23 skidoo".

5. When he walks around the bedroom naked, they're turned on by the sound of his balls dragging across the floor.

4. Having sex with him is almost like having a threesome since the grim specter of death is always looking over his shoulder wherever he goes.

3. The friction from wearing those suspenders all day keeps his nips rock hard.

2. Couldn’t think of a number 2. I was too busy vomiting at the thought of women finding Larry King sexy. (and his rock hard nips!)

1. Woman apparently love a man with a large throbbing organ...even if the large throbbing organ is his prostate.
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 19th 2010
April 1st City of Chilton
Police received a report that someone on Breed Street threw a Christmas tree into a dog pen.

March 30th City of Neenah
A complainant reported seeing a 4-foot, solid brown object floating in the water about 300 yards from Kimberly Point Park. An officer, using binoculars, identified the object was a Christmas tree.

April 3rd Village of Stockbridge
A Mary Street resident contacted police to report someone put a skunk in her son's car.

April 2nd Calumet County
An older, rusty, Dodge conversion van with two male occupants was going to residents' homes on High Cliff Road and asking to see resident's vacuum cleaners. They also offered to vacuum their carpet. One of the male subjects was wearing a woman's tank top. The reporting party called back later to state that he had done some more checking and found out that the men were...Kirby vacuum cleaner salesmen.

April 12th City of Beaver Dam
Police received an anonymous report of outbursts of laughter on Front Street.

April 15th City of Oshkosh
Police received a call from a UW-O biology major who found what looked like a big raccoon in her garage. On closer inspection the biology student realized it was actually a full grown hen turkey that had bedded down under the front tires of her car. Three officers were dispatched to the residence where one used a garbage can, a lamp shade and clucking sounds to coax the turkey out of the garage.
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 19th 2010
Party on Wayne...
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 17th 2010
An Oregon entertainment magazine, The Portland Mercury, polled their readers to find out what they would most like to see on their cover. Naturally (and wisely) their readers voted to have a likeness of Betty White in a metal bikini wielding a flaming chainsaw while riding a John Ritter centaur. Here it is for your viewing enjoyment.

You're welcome!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 16th 2010
We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Weenie of the Week...the 30-year-old man who was arrested Sunday morning in the Town of Menasha after punching and kicking another man during an altercation...at Christ the Rock Community Church. The man allegedly also broke a pew and punched a sheriff's deputy.

So,

For ignoring the little known 11th commandment: "Whilst in a place of worship, thou shalt not be a douche-bag".

For not realizing that it's not permissible to commit a crime in a church...unless you're wearing a white collar.

And for not understanding that while it's called Christ "The Rock", it doesn't mean the church is suitable for WWE Wrestling. (Do you suppose, after he hit and kicked the guy, he yelled out, "Can you smell what Christ the Rock is cookin'?" Then again, if they don't want wrestling on their property, maybe they should call it Christ the Dwayne Johnson Community Church. I'm just saying!)

We are proud to name the guy who was arrested for fighting Sunday morning in Christ the Rock Community Church in the Town of Menasha as this week's Rick and Len...WEENIE OF THE WEEK!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 16th 2010
One of our faves, Bil Dwyer returns to the Rick and Len Show Friday morning.

Hear Bil in the 8am hour. See him this weekend at the Skyline Comedy Cafe (920-734-JOKE). Take a look at his very funny golf website The Range Show with Bil Dwyer. And check out this clip below. (Boy, I sure am bossy today!)


Jokes.com
Bill Dwyer - Sex Life
comedians.comedycentral.com
Futurama New EpisodesFunny Demon Zombie TV ShowFunny TV Comedy Blog


http://comedians.jokes.com/bil-dwyer/videos/bill-dwyer---sex-life
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 15th 2010
A very nice content in this blog..
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 14th 2010

The Packers in conjunction with St, Norbert's have created the Vincent Award, a medallion that bears the likeness of Vince Lombardi as if he were a victorious, laurel-crowned hero in Roman times. The medals will be awarded to a few folks at the upcoming national Sport and Society conference to be held at St. Norb's the end of May. The back of the medallion bears the Latin inscription "Quod nefas ibi accidit" meaning "What the hell's going on out here?" Seriously!

We, at the Rick and Len Show think there are other former members of the Packer family who deserve their own medallions with Latin inscriptions. Here's what they would say.

Mike Sherman: Operor illa pardus planto meus puga pyga vultus pinguis? Translation: Do these pants make my ass look fat?

Ray Rhodes: Operor vos have ullus candied? Translation: Got any gum?

Brett Favre: Ego mos permissum vos teneo quis is should narro in semestris. Translation: I will let you know what it should say in six months. (its the only coin that when flipped always lands on it's side!)

Ray Nitschke: Dictis eram a cattus. Translation: Butkis is a pussy.

Najeh Davenport: Ego loco a donum in vestri immunda vestitus alveus Translation: I left you a gift in your laundry hamper.

Tony Mandrich: Illud es non erigo. Illud es meus testis. Translation: These are not raisins. These are my testicles.

Marc Chmura: Vetus satis minuo vetus satis ut semino. Translation: Old enough to bleed old enough to breed!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 14th 2010
I'm sick of this controversy concerning Tiger Woods being caught swearing during The Masters. He dropped a g-damn and a Jeesy Creesy and from sportscaster Jim Nantz's reaction you'd have thought he butchered and ate a live baby on 18th green. Come on. It's golf! You're trying to hit a dimpled ball with an oddly shaped club into a hole a fraction of the size of the one between the Octomom's legs and you're supposed to do that with a vocabulary less colorful than that of the Vice President of the United States. F.U. Jim Nantz!

To me, golf without swearing is like...

...Baseball without spitting.

...Football without ass slapping.

...Basketball without fathering illegitimate children!

Golf without swearing is like...

...Politics without bickering.

...Eating with swallowing.

Dating Tiger....without swallowing!

Golf without swearing is like...

...Rosie O'Donnell without flannel.

...Lindsey Lohan without crabs.

...Bombshell McGee without enough red ink to be an accountant at Mercury Marine!

Golf without swearing is like...

...Willie Nelson's tour bus without more smoke than a forest fire.

...Whitney Houston without more crack than the Liberty Bell.

...Amy Winehouse's arm without more tracks than the Soo Line!

Golf without swearing is like...

...A Star Trek convention without virgins.

...The set of The View without a jumbo sized bottle of Midol.

...The Fox 11 cloak room without an extra-large hat rack!

Golf without swearing is like...

...A Toyota driver's underwear without skid marks.

...Like John Gosselin without either vinegar or water.

...The bride at a Menasha wedding without flies!

In fact, golf without swearing is like...

My wiener without dust!!!

--Rick--
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 14th 2010
Police in Fairfax County, Virginia have charged two people with running an unlicensed dental practice after a patient who developed an infection reported them. Police say that a woman who developed an infection after one of the men performed a root canal led officers to his "office". There police found a door leading to a basement "office" hidden behind a refrigerator!

Gee, too bad there weren't any red flags that these guys weren't on the up-and-up. To prevent this from happening to you, we at the Rick and Len Show have created this list of signs that your dentist might not be licensed!

If the needle he sticks in your mouth came right out of Courtney Love's left arm...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If you tell him you have pyorrhea and he recommends Imodium A-D...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If the tool he uses to poke at your gums...is circumcised...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If you ask him for gas and he points his butt in your face and tells you to pull his finger...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If instead of using a sedative to put you to sleep, he just flips on the FOX 11 news...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If, for reasons known only to him, whenever he sticks his fingers in your mouth they taste like cabbage...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If the diploma hanging on his wall has Sally Struthers' name spelled wrong...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If he charged you $2,000 for a crown and it turned out to be one of those paper one's from Burger King...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If after he gives you gas, you still feel pain but you speak in a high, funny voice for about 30 seconds…he might not be a licensed dentist.

If the whitening solution he's using on your teeth is coming right out of a bottle marked Liquid Paper...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If the string he's flossing your teeth with is still attached to the tampon...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If, while you're in the chair, he climbs up on your chest just to take a leak in the spit sink...he might not be a licensed dentist.

If not only does he blindfold you during your procedure, he does so with the panties he just told you to remove...he might not be a licensed dentist.

And if the door to his basement office is hidden behind a refrigerator...he's definitely not a licensed dentist!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 14th 2010
Great photo from the Post Crescent of Len blowing the roof off the dump at Monday night's WAMI (Wisconsin Area Music Industry) Awards at the the Fox Cities Performing Art Center.

Appleton native Corey Chisel won Artist, Song and Album of the Year. And WAPL won Radio Station of the Year. Yay us!!!

For a complete list of winners, click here!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 13th 2010
It's spring when a young man's (and in many cases, a young woman's) fancy turns to...golf. Our old friend Bil Dwyer has a a very funny web site called The Range that is filled with great tips on things like "Dog Putting" and golfing with bowling balls!

The Range: Bowling vs. Golf from Drinks at Six on Vimeo.


The Range: Dog Putting from Drinks at Six on Vimeo.


See Bil in person this week (Wednesday through Saturday) at the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton. Make your reservations by calling 920-734-JOKE.

http://www.therangeshow.com/dog_putting.php
http://www.therangeshow.com/bowling_vs_golf.php
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 13th 2010
If you've been enjoying the live sturgeon porn from the Wolf River, look for the following sturgeon porn DVD's at an adult book store or bait shop near you!

Gill-ty of Love

Wages of Fin

Giver in the River

Spawn of the Dead

Bottom-Feeding Bitches

Smells Like Fish

Beluga Boogaloo

Surgin' Sturgeon

Love on the Rocks

Ridgeback River Sluts

Rockin' in Shicoton

Slick Males with Scales and Tails
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 13th 2010
The sturgeon are humping! The sturgeon are humping!

Check out the live sturgeon porn from the Wolf River at http://wolfrivercam.com/Shiocton%20Cam%202.html
Live streaming video by Ustream
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 12th 2010
What do you think is THE BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME?

Starting next Monday (4-19), every weekday morning at about 9 (until the end of May) we'll select one entry and play that day's BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME!

If we select your entry, we'll put you in a drawing to win an iPod Touch!!!

Enter now by clicking on the BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME icon!

And just for fun, tell us WHY you think your selection is THE BEST F$#%ING SONG OF ALL TIME!!!
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

apr 12th 2010
March 26th Village of Bellevue
A 25-year-old man at Wal-Mart was caught stealing Trojan condoms… and a pregnancy test kit.

March 22nd Village of Stockbridge
A West Lake Street resident called police to report someone tossed a decorative light and a trash barrel into his yard…and he believes he knows who did it!

April 3rd City of Portage
Police investigated a small fire at the Market Basket. A 14-year-old boy was referred to juvenile authorities for arson after he told police he accidently set fire to plastic beverage bottles after trying to melt the labels with a lighter inside the store. Employees and a customer put out the fire with cups of water.

April 5th City of Beaver Dam
Police responded to a home on South Lincoln Street where a 20-year-old woman reported that a 20-year-old man was ringing the doorbell and would not leave. Police found out that the man was attempting to drop off an Easter basket.

March 23rd City of Appleton
Police received a call from a Strawflower Drive resident who reported that two persons were threatening to throw tacos at the reporting party's house. They said this is an ongoing problem.
posted by: Rick And Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post