QUAIL FLU--the most apparent symptom is small, bleeding, pellet sized holes that erupt on the face and upper body. It’s contracted by getting too close to a bevy of quail…while hunting with Dick Cheney.
BEAR FLU--Symptoms include a rare respiratory condition that results in the sufferer being unable to exhale air leaving them to only suck.
COUGAR FLU--Most at risk: Ashton Kutcher.
CRAB FLU--Contracted only by coming in close personal contact with a crabs' natural habitat such as the ocean floor, tropical beaches or Lindsey Lohan's underpants.
OWL FLU--Symptoms are identical to inebriation and sometime include a mild burning sensation in the mouth and chunks of buffalo wings in your teeth. Can only be contracted at your local Hooters. (And who wouldn't want to contract that?)
GERBIL FLU--only known symptom is extreme constipation. Only known victim: Richard Gere.
DOG FLU--A potentially fatal disease that struck South East Asia in 1987 resulting in the deaths of 39 men who all died of broken necks sustained while trying to lick their own balls.
HONEY BEE FLU--It's primary symptoms are sluggishness and fatigue and is caused by exposure to excessive amounts of honey. As in, "Honey, I need you to be doing this" and "Honey, I need you to be doing that". The only known treatment is laying on the couch and watching the game while drinking no less than half a six pack of beer.