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aug 24th

10. 5.8 not nearly a big enough jolt to knock any sense into congress.

9. If a quake that powerful hit the Midwest it could reduce Detroit to unlivable rubble if Detroit wasn’t already unlivable rubble.

8. Earthquake damage is expected to take months for residents to repair, weeks for Insurance evaluators to assess and seconds for Republicans to blame on Obama.

7. I wonder if the Tsunami watch for the reflecting pool between the Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument has expired.

6. After engineers discovered a crack near the top of the Washington Monument, former DC mayor Marion Berry immediately smoked it.

5. Today, experts will evaluate the damage the top of the Washington Monument. They’ll decide if it can be repaired, in which case they’ll call in stone masons or if the tip has to be removed in which case they call in a rabbi.

4. After the quake, the underwear of east coast residents had more brown spots than a herd of leopards.

3. There is no #3. It’s hiding under it’s bed in case there’s an aftershock.

2. It was probably caused by Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson hitting a tectonic plate while trying to dig us out of this hole.

1. The National Cathedral sustained significant damage while Fed-Ex Field and thousands of bars were largely unaffected proving even god would rather get drunk and watch football on Sunday than go to church.