10. Spent the entire speech chain smoking Newports.
9. He asked congress for $30 billion dollars to financing sending each unemployed American a nice plate of fudge.
8. He grew a bitchin’ Fu Manchu mustache that makes the one Aaron Rodgers had look like peach fuzz.
7. Spent three quarters of the speech singing along with Kid Rock while watching NFL Kick Off celebration streaming on his iPad
6. Admitted the reason the Jennifer Lopez split with Mark Anthony is he’s been banging Lopez like a cheap gong.
5. Kept referring to the always orange Speaker of the House John Boehner as Snookie with a penis.
4. Tried to distract nation from the on-going economic crisis by begging his Vice President Joe Biden to shoot an old man in the face.
3. Spent most of the speech trying out material he’d prepared for the upcoming Comedy Central Charlie Sheen Roast. (it was creepy how he kept calling Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi his “goddesses”.)
2. Revealed the only job he was really interested in saving was his own.
1. Admitted “No, we cant”.
