Chris and Jason from Project Pink, the extraordinary Floyd tribute show you can see at the Meyer Theater Saturday night, dropped by the studio this morning and we played Would You Rather? A number of people asked for a list of the questions. Here they are with Chris and Jason's answers in BOLD.

WOULD YOU RATHER...

Be pummeled to death by wild monkey's using small but powerful golden hammers or be eaten alive by the living members of the cast of the Lawrence Welk Show?

Spend the rest of your life dressed only in the that green question mark suit the guy from the late night infomercials wears while yelling about free money from the government or only be allowed to scratch your balls during total solar eclipses?

Have the only music that you're ever allowed to listen to for the rest of your life be any the hundreds of songs Celine Dion has recorded in French or only the jingle for The Lullaby Shop?

Spend the best of your life suffering from a case of free roaming nipples where your man nips would constantly move about your body or have to drink a 32 ounce Slushie made with cold, congealing fat liposucked from Susan Boyle's flabby arms?

Tom Zalaski use your tongue to clean out his ears or have Tom Milbourn wear your ass like a hat?


http://blip.tv/play/AYG7mDsC

February 16th City of Holmen
A Morris Street resident reported a noise complaint for a neighboring apartment. The neighbor attributed the noise to an infant learning to walk and dropping bottles.

March 14th City of Brown Deer
A 41-year-woman was arrested for theft at Kohl's, March 14th which was her birthday. She was at the store to return items but when the store wouldn't take them back, she took some queen size sheets valued at $100, saying it was her birthday gift to herself.

March 13th City of Glendale
A 45-year-old woman was arrested for her second drunken
driving violation. The woman, who had urinated in her
pants, was taken to the booking room where she began to undress. When told to stop, she made an obscene gesture and just continued undressing.

March 5th Town of Menasha
Officers responded to a Lakeshore Drive dispute between a homeowner and two people who were walking dogs. The homeowner accused the dog-walkers of allowing their dogs to relieve themselves in his yard. The argument became heated with some name-calling and profanity exchanged. Responding officers were conducted a search but were unable to locate any dog excrement in the yard and both parties were warned.

March 1st City of Menasha
Police discovered a man on Racine Road sitting naked on top of his vehicle.

March 3rd City of Holmen
A Tracy Lane resident called police to report that she saw a juvenile boy playing “inappropriate music” in front of her home.

March 13th City of Neenah
A Commercial Street resident reported that someone was pounding on his front door and kicking at his side door at 10:40 p.m. Police identified the suspect as… the resident's drunken brother.

Yesterday, someone posted a link to what they called the... Saddest. Book. Ever. on Fark.com. While I couldn't agree more, I was reminded of a product I first discovered in my grocer's freezer case a few years ago that is clearly the... Saddest. Food Item. Ever! And it's made right here in our area.

It's Orv's Party For One Pizza.

Seriously? Party For One?

Now, first off, the title is a bit misleading. Unless the pizza comes with a bottle of hand lotion and a coupon for a free month of the Spice Channel, it has no right being called a "Party for One".

But sweet Jesus could the name be any more depressing?

Here are the only other food products I can think of that would be as sad as Orv's Party for One Pizza. (If you don't see them on your grocer's shelves, ask for them by name!)

Nobody Will Ever Love You Macaroni

You're Friends Are All Laughing At You Behind Your Back Cottage Cheese.

You Will Die Cold and Alone In A Puddle of Your Own Sick Grape Soda.

It Will Be Weeks Before Anyone Finds Your Body Clam Chowder.

Your Ex-Girlfriend Has Told Everybody About the Time You Couldn't Get It Up Spaghetti Sauce.

The Older You Get the More You Look Like Ron Howard's Creepy Brother Canned Peaches in Heavy Syrup.

--Rick--

We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Weenie of the Week...the 20-year-old Wisconsin Rapids man who had to be rescued by firefighters when he became stuck in the laundry chute after children dared him to slide down it. What's more, he caused a young girl in the house to panic when firefighters brought out a saw to cut the man out of the chute and she thought they were going to cut him in half.

So,

For doing something stupid on a dare from children, which I believe is the same way John McCain ended up with Sarah Palin as his running mate.

For trying to slide down the chute feet first, when clearly, he should have gone the other way because if he had landed on his head he at least wouldn't have damaged a working body part.

And for getting stuck in a chute that's not designed for entry...which, if I'm not mistaken, is George Michael's worst possible nightmare.

We are proud to name the Wisconsin Rapids man who got stuck trying to slide down a laundry chute on a dare from some kids as this week's Rick and Len...WEENIE OF THE WEEK!

Join Len and Ross (Rick is still faking sick!) Friday morning when they'll be joined by Shane Mauss who's appearing at the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton. Shane's been on with Conan a bunch of times and his Comedy Central special just debuted last week! Make your reservation to see him in person at the Skyline this weekend by calling 920-734-JOKE.

Shane is originally from LaCrosse and he's just twisted enough to make me think he might be the guy drowning all those UW-LaCrosse students in the Mississippi. If you don't believe me, check out these clips of the man in action.


http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/SixFlagsMishap


http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/SingingInTheShower

Brunswick Community College in Calabash, North Carolina has purchased the Close Encounters Gentleman's Club and is planning to turn it into classroom space. As a result, we here at the Rick and Len Show thought it would be a good time to take a look at...

SIGNS YOUR SCHOOL MIGHT HAVE BEEN A STRIP CLUB

If your physics professor demonstrates Newton's Laws of Motion, by using his supple thighs to slide down the pole in the middle of your "lecture hall"....your school might have been a strip club.

If you have to pay an extra hundred bucks to take trigonometry because it's held in the champagne room...your school might have been a strip club.

If pieces of volcanic rock are not the hardest things that have ever been in the room that is now your geology lab...your school might have been a strip club.

If despite the fact that it doesn't serve any kind of seafood, the cafeteria always seems to smell like fish...your school might have been a strip club.

If your History of Medieval Warfare class has a two drink minimum...your school might have been a strip club.

If your tuition is due by the end of the first week of the semester and must be paid in full to the cashier in the business office...in singles...your school might have been a strip club.

If your school colors are Amber and Sapphire...your school might have been a strip club.

If no matter what the class, the question most asked of all the teachers is "How do I get this frickin' glitter off of me?"...your school was definitely a strip club!

March 4th City of Neenah
Police cited a high school student for disorderly conduct after she disobeyed rules and yelled and swore at staff. In talking with police, the girl acknowledged her aggressive behavior and revealed that she had been having dreams about, among other things, Santa Claus attacking her.

March 11th City of Muskego
A 19-year-old man was arrested for disorderly conduct after yelling obscenities at a drive-thru window at Dairy Queen. The man became enraged when he ordered two blizzards and received only one, prompting him to knock on the drive-through window and ask "if anyone knew how to work there", peppering his question with numerous curse words.

March 20th City of Wisconsin Rapids
Police and firefighters responded to a call to help a 20-year-old man who was stuck in a laundry chute after taking a dare from his children. The family had tried to pull him out of the chute for about 10 minutes, then called 911 when the man started having trouble breathing. The situation became more tense when firefighters brought out a saw to cut the man out of the chute and a young girl in the house began to panic, believing they were going to cut him in half.

February 27th City of Menasha
A man told police that he was trying to make an officer chase him so he could get arrested for driving while intoxicated. After evidence was gathered, the man was arrested for driving while intoxicated .

February 27th City of Whitefish Bay
Police received a report from a Santa Monica Boulevard address where a 5 foot statue of Lucy from the Peanuts cartoon sustained $2800 in damage.

February 20th Village of Shorewood
A 24-year-old man was arrested for theft of 263 candy bars from Pick 'n Save. He told police he took the 263 candy bar because… he was hungry.

SURPRISING PROVISIONS IN THE HEALTH CARE BILL

10. Male patients will receive 10% discount on check-ups if they agree to get prostate examine from a doctor with fat fingers.

9. Concertgoers who sustain injuries related to moshing or head banging can only be treated by doctors named Love or Feelgood.

8. Cialis users will only be encouraged to call a doctor if their erection lasts more than FIVE hours.

7. Insurance companies will be required to recognize as doctors not just those who have attended certified medical schools but also anyone who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

6. Patients seeking a vasectomy will be given detailed instructions and a rusty toe nail clipper.

5. Instead of taking a family medical history, doctors will save time by merely smacking patients on the ass and asking "Whose your daddy?".

4. Expensive emergency room physicians will be replaced with high school phy-ed teachers who will treat patients suffering from severe chest pains by instructing them to "walk it off".

3. Before resorting to prescribing expensive drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, doctor's must first try kissing it to make it better.

2. Instead of oxygen, recovering surgical patients will be given helium which, while being no less expensive, will be far more entertaining for the nurses who will get to hear them as they cry for help in comical, high pitched voices.

1. Wisconsin division one basketball players will be encouraged to avoid choking hazards such as chicken bones, toothpicks and playing in the NCAA tourney.

We are proud to name as this week’s Rick and Len Weenie of the Week...the Fond du Lac man who punctured the tires on his own truck because he didn’t want his wife driving it while he was in jail. The man was arrested and taken to jail on a bail jumping charge. Police found the man and arrested him only because they received the report of him puncturing his own tires.

So,

For not just making a-hole but being an a-hole.

For trying to prevent his wife from leaving the house while guaranteeing that he, himself won’t be going anywhere for a while, either.

And for getting himself locked up where he could possibly have more miles put on him than his wife ever could have ever put on his truck.

We are proud to name the Fond du Lac man who punctured the tires to his own truck to stop his wife from driving it while he was in jail as this week’s Rick and Len...WEENIE OF THE WEEK.

The Ferrari of Comedy...Tanyee Lee Davis, all 3 foot 6 inches of her, joins Rick and Len at 8 this morning. See her this weekend at the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton. Make your reservations by calling 920-734-JOKE.


http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/The_downside_of_waxing

New Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock has reportedly separated from her husband Jesse James after a woman who goes by the name Bombshell McGee claims she's been boffing him. Who do you prefer Bullock or Bombshell?

Here's what celebrities were doing on St. Patrick's Day....

Representative Eric Massa...He's going to spend his day looking for a shirt that says "Tickle Me, I'm Irish!"

Barrack Obama...will spend St. Patrick's day searching for a leprechaun to lead him to his pot of gold because it's the only way he's going to get any funding for health care. The jokes on him, however, since the leprechaun lost all his gold by investing it with AIG.

Rush Limbaugh...will spend the day seeing rainbows and leprechauns. Then again, when you're that whacked out on Oxycontin, every day you see rainbows and leprechauns.

The 4 superglue chicks...They're going to handcuff an Irishman to the bed in a Stockbridge motel and glue his shillelagh to his stomach.

Sarah Palin...will spend St. Patrick's Day at home in Wasilla, Alaska. Which is okay since she can see Ireland from her house.

Former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer...is going to pay an Irish girl thousands of dollars to kiss his Blarney Stones.

Michael Jackson...after spending years turning from black to white, will, for the first time, spend St. Patrick's Day turning an appropriate shade of green.

Len Nelson...will take some time today to dance a traditional Irish jig...to the Village People's YMCA.

Tiger Woods...will spend St. Patrick's Day looking for a lucky four leaf clover...assuming, of course, that four leaf clovers can be found growing the vulvas of cocktail waitresses and porn stars.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, here's a DIY video for the Irish Drinking Song (Drink and Fight) by Buck-O-Nine!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBsrZ-016fs&feature=player_embedded

And here's a video from one my favorite bands in the world: Black 47.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GViXO8bZDz8&feature=player_embedded

Erin go bragh! See you at the Irish Fling!

--Rick--

February 21st City of Neenah
A Gay Drive man told police that a woman at his residence was throwing his things and trying to lock him and his dog out of the house. Police found the couple was just drunk and arguing about their relationship.

February 16th Calumet County
Police received a report of a shanty burglary. According to police the thief took a stove, 2 heaters, 2 wrenches, and "even the wine!".

March 7th City of Waupun
A woman on McKinley Street called police to report she had found a half case of beer on her front lawn.

February 24th City of De Pere
Police were called to the Sports Corner where a man became “aggressive” after he was refused service because he knocked over a bar stool.

March 6th Village of Winneconne
Police warned a 52-year-old woman to stop calling her former friend, a 31-year-old woman, over allegations that the younger one had spread rumors about the other one's daughter. Police suggested the two avoid one another and “start acting like grown-ups”.

March 1st Village of Winneconne
Police were contacted by a man who was concerned about the behavior of his brother. The man told police his brother had been playing with dog toys, spending long periods in the bathroom and tried to start his car with a scissors, thinking they were keys.

February 22nd City of Menasha
Police were called to Tayco Street where two women were arguing outside a bar about “someone sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend.” The women were told to “behave”.

March 9th Village of Howard
Police were called to Bay View Middle School where they cited a 13-year-old boy for disorderly conduct after he pushed a dollar bill into the cleavage of a girl's tank top,. The boy said he was dared by others to do it.

March 7th City of Green Bay
Police were notified that two men burglarized an apartment at Flats on the Fox on North Washington Street and left in a pickup truck. Also taken from the residence were a pair of men’s shoes and… a box of cookie dough.

February 27th City of Chilton
A disturbance was reported on North Madison. A male subject who was in a lot of pain because of an infected tooth became violent and broke a window in the bathroom. The reporting party stated that the man had calmed down. However, he refused to go to a dentist and indicated that he would pull his own tooth out with a pliers.

Well, the results are in. And after a week of voting here at WAPL.com, I, Rick, have been chosen by you the listeners as "the most likely to be arrested in Mexico" during this year's International Incident trip. Well, screw you! I have returned without seeing the inside of a Mexican jail!

How did I do it. Well, here's the:

TOP TEN REASONS I WASN’T ARRESTED IN MEXICO

10. Just being a drunken a-hole not specifically against any Mexican laws.

9. I bought off the local authorities with a bunch of Snuggies and Slankets...or as they're known in Mexico: ponchos.

8. Peeing in the streets is totally acceptable there which is why Puerto Vallarta is known worldwide as "Fond du Lac on the Mexican Pacific".

7. Mexican police felt sorry for me after seeing my 3rd degree case of "thong burn".

6. Convinced local authorities that returning to Wisconsin and working with Len was a worse punishment than anything they could dole out.

3. Bribed the cop with items 5 and 4.

2. I was recognized by local police as a beloved American entertainer from my picture on WAPL "Feces the Clown" t-shirts. (still available by clicking here!)

1. The sheep didn't file charges.

How exciting! I returned to work today to find an e-mail from the folks at FOUND Magazine informing me that an item I submitted is their website's Find of the Day!

If you're not familiar with FOUND, it is a magazine that features odd and quirky things that have been lost or discarded and then found by people all over the world.

This was my submission. One of my co-workers passed this slip of paper along to me after he found it on the floor while ushering for a Christmas concert in Appleton back in December. It was folded-over and labeled "Jerk!" on the front.

It truly is does raise more questions than it answers. (such as, if a giraffe's tongue is really 22 inches long, why do female giraffes always look so dissatisfied?)

--Rick--

Well, we're almost home from the International Incident. It's about 9:30pm Saturday night and we are flying over Illinois. I'm going to go use the restroom in hopes that they accidentally jettison my effluvium somewhere over Peoria! Fingers crossed!

--Rick--

We are proud to name as this week's Rick & Len Show Weenie of the Week... Rob Voss of Valder, who the other afternoon, after a few adult beverages and before coming down from his room here at the resort for the afternoon broadcast, brushed his teeth. And why does that make him Weenie of the Week? Well, because in his "slightly" inebriated state he accidentally brushed with Benedryl allergy cream.

So, for brushing his teeth with and allergy cream which leads me to believe that somewhere on his body he must have a rash that's freakishly minty fresh.

For at least not mistaking someone's thong for dental floss.

And for putting something stiff and foul tasting in his mouth...and he wasn't even a participant in yesterday's Laycation sex contest.

We are proud to name Paul Voss of Valders as this week's Rick and Len International Incident....Weenie of the Week!

Last night, virtually the entire International Incident crew went on a pirate ship cruise and a fun time was had by all. However, some scurvy landlubbers tried to pass themselves off as real pirates. (I'm looking at you Jeff & Tammy and Bob & Lisa).

So, here's some signs...you might not be a real pirate!

If when you hear the word poop-deck, the first thing that comes to mind is the time you ran out of toilet paper during a poker game and had to wipe with the playing cards...you might not be a real pirate.

If the only time you've ever heard the phrase "blow the man down" was at a pool party at George Michaels...you might not be a real pirate.

If the only time you've seen a man hung....was at that same George Michael pool party...you might not be a real pirate.

If your favorite letter of the alphabet between Q and T is S (and not Rrrrrr)...you might not be a real pirate.

If you think Davy Jones locker is located at the gym right between Mickey Dolenz and Mike Nesmith's lockers...you might not be a real pirate.

If when you hear the term booty, you think of Jennifer Lopez before you think of gold dubloons...you might not be a real pirate.

If the closest you've ever come to performing an old sea shanty is singing along with the McDonald's "Gimmie that filet 'o fish" jingle...you are definitely not a real pirate!