So it’s the 30th Olympics, or as it’s displayed on my cable listings “The XXX Olympic Games”. You can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in, and they weren’t triple X at all. So, here’s our suggestions on….
WAYS TO MAKE THE XXX OLYMPICS MORE XXX
10. Instead of their necks, have male winners hang their medals from a different appendage.
9. Following women’s table tennis matches, winner gets to use their paddle to spank the loser for being a naughty, naughty girl.
8. Ban long fiberglass sticks and make pole vaulting a competition between Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee.
7. Replace modern pentathlon with modern penetrationthon.
6. Combine men’s and women’s relay races, run them naked and hey, ouch, that’s not a baton.
5. Show entire women’s beach volleyball matches in slow motion with porn music.
4. Require athletes in all events to grunt like the women’s tennis players.
3. Add 50 gallons of Jello to all women’s wrestling events.
2. During badminton matches have female announcer who uses low sexy voice every time she says the word “shuttlecock”.
1. Make women’s kayaking less about rowing and more about paddling the pink canoe.