Temps this weekend were quite high
Throughout most of the Midwest
People were sweating like they were naughty nuns
Waiting for the results of a pregnancy test.
The temperature by itself
Was already hotter than it was in hell.
But with humidity it was steamier
Than a Little Rascal’s film fest held in Jared Fogel’s cell.
To put it in perspective,
I’ll tell you this, my friends,
The humidity on Sunday
Made it soggier than Betty White’s Depends.
All throughout the nation’s heartland
From Minnesota to Indiana
The mugginess made the air feel
Even stuffier than Appleton Mayor Hanna.
It’s was so downright uncomfortable
We were all dripping with sweat.
Because the air outside this weekend
Was even thicker than Bill Jartz neck.
But there is one big positive
To the hot, humid temps nationwide.
'Cuz folks I’m here to tell you.
It was so damn hot....all the Pokémon have died!
That’s right, Pikachu, Pidgey and Squirtle
All died from heat exhaust.
Weedle, Caterpie, and Sandslash, too.
Succumbed to the Pokemon holocaust.
I’m not kidding ‘bout your Poke friends.
This is not a joke.
One by one they all dropped off.
From hyper-thermia and advanced sun stroke.
And not just here in Wisconsin
But all across the nation
Kingler, Gengar and Magnemite
All victims of dehydration.
Charmander and Jigglypuff are still with us
But soon enough will fall.
Since they will not be able to procreate
having sweat off their Pokey balls.
So, Pokemon GO players you can stop now
and start looking where you're walking.
Stop wandering into traffic
and into strangers' homes without knocking.
You can stop trying to catch 'em all
and find another time wasting replacement.
End all that icky socializing with real people
and return to your parent's basements!