A new report shows that due to the recession, tourism in our part of the state is down about 10 percent. Here's our suggestions of the:
TOP TEN WAYS TO IMPROVE AREA TOURISM
10. Relocate Vice President Joe Biden to Little Chute. People will come from miles around to see him get slivers in his tongue every time he sticks his foot in his mouth while wearing wooden shoes.
9. Let people start playing in fountain at Appleton's old Avenue Mall and start promoting it as an "indoor water park".
8. Siphon some tourism business from Door County by lining highway from Illinois to the Fox Cities with aggressive "A-Holes Welcome" billboard campaign.
7. During summer months, require members of Appleton City Council to bend over while kneeling naked on College Avenue to serve as unique, easy to use bike racks.
6. Institute catchy new tourism slogans for area communities like "Follow Your Nose to Kaukauna", "Oshkosh: Now 20% Less Blighty", "Green Bay: With Over 100 Convenience Stores, Someplace to Rob is Always Just Around the Corner", and "Visit Menasha: No, Seriously!".
5. Hang sign on NBC 26's downtown Appleton store front window that reads "Watch monkeys at play" because hey, who doesn't love monkeys?
4. Book rafting expeditions on the Yellow River in downtown Fond du Lac. Make river self perpetuating by serving rafters plenty of beer.
3. Advertise on Animal Planet. Encourage pet owners to come here to tour the Gannett Newspapers printing plant to see where the paper they use to train their dogs comes from.
2. Promote driving through Highway 41 road construction as a fun adrenaline-boosting, death defying thrill ride. Take that, Great America!
1. As part of a Shop Downtown promotion, promise recipient of Appleton's 1000th parking ticket of the month a free urinal cake bearing the likeness of Mayor Tim Hannah.