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feb 16th


SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE SNL CHARACTERS HAVE GOTTEN OLD

10. Neither Wayne nor Garth can “Schwing” without Viagra.

9. The Blues Brothers are now so named due to the color of their varicose veins. 

8. As a result of their high cholesterol and blood pressure, Greek diner now serving only “Turkey burger, turkey burger, turkey burger. Caffeine Free Coke, no Pepsi”.  

7. Dieter from Sprockets no longer asks guests to touch his monkey...because it died of old age.

6. Stefan now thinks that New York's hottest new club is AARP.  

5. Debbie Downer changed name to Debbie Dependent after getting strung out of powerful anti-depressants.

4. Bass-o-Matic salesman has lost interest in getting a good piece of bass.

3. Pat was recently hospitalized for either a hysterectomy or vasectomy.

2. Instead of claiming to be married to Morgan Fairchild, Tommy Flanagan now claims to be married to Betty White...yeah, Betty White…that's the ticket!
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:51 am Comment On This Post

feb 3rd


THINGS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GET IN A FIGHT WITH THE TWO HOOKERS YOU HIRED THE MORNING AFTER THE SUPER BOWL WHEN YOU WORK FOR THE NFL NETWORK

10. Was having a Viagra with my Rice Krispies really my best breakfast option?

9. When I get my ass fired for this, how much will the NFL Network's rating go up?

8. How much of a pay cut will I have to take going from NFL analyst to working part time at Foot Locker?

7. If I get arrested, lose my job and become a national laughing stock, will it be any more embarrassing that the season I spent on Dancing With The Stars?

6. Considering that I just filed for bankruptcy, wouldn't it be more cost effective to only hire one hooker to fight with?

5. Who would make a better cellmate: Aaron Hernandez or Darren Sharper?

4. Should I just punch the hookers or blindside them like I did Chad Clifton?

3. If I really want to hang out with a couple disreputable whores, shouldn't I just get in the booth at Fox with Buck and Aikman?

2. If instead of getting in a fight with hookers, I just kill a dude like ESPN's Ray Lewis, will I get to keep my job?

1. As far as making bad decisions go, how will this compare with Pete Carroll’s choice to pass instead of run on the one yard line?

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:18 am Comment On This Post

jan 30th

OTHER INDICATORS THAT GREEN BAY IS THE MOST ROMANTIC CITY IN AMERICA

10. Pollution from paper mill smokestacks makes romantic sunsets all the more colorful.

9. For a romantic Saturday night you can always go to the NEW Zoo to watch the monkeys hump.

8. Green Bay girls will let you stick your brat in their buns.

7. Where else but Bay Beach can you give your date a good ride for as little as a quarter.

6. Guys know that taking a date to the Tundra Lodge is guaranteed to make her wet. 

5. Left over grease from Friday fish fries perfect for aromatic hot oil massages.

4. You only have to drive your date 20 miles south anytime you want to kiss her where it stinks.

3. Female ice fishing enthusiasts will sometimes let a special guy do it in her ice hole.  

2. You can take long walks together in the lush, over-grown jungle-like habitat that is Mayor Jim Schmitt's eyebrows.

1. There is nothing more romantic than holding your girlfriend’s hair after a long day of tailgating.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:41 am Comment On This Post

jan 26th
Last week Kristin Cavallari left hubby Jay Cutler alone with the kids for a few days. She Instagramed this text she received from Jay.




THINGS THAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK WHILE JAY CUTLER WAS TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS BY HIMSELF

10. Hamper full of 4 days of poopie diapers stunk up their house almost as badly as Jay stunk up Solider Field all season.

9. While Jay was throwing the kids in the bathtub, they were intercepted by Sam Shields.

8. Tried giving the one year old a bottle but unlike his father, the kid doesn’t suck.

7. Older boy wanted a bedtime story but, just like opposing defenses, Jay can’t read them.

6. Thought the kids were covered in dark bruises but they had only gotten into daddy’s mascara.

5. Both children have diaper rash making them almost as butt-hurt as their father.

4. Jay didn’t like the idea of changing diapers any more than Packer fans like the idea of the Bears changing starting quarterback.

3. Was unable to put the kids to sleep due to lack of available Bears game film.

2. All that breastfeeding was making his nipples sore.

1. Got so sick and tired of the endless crying….the kids kept begging him to stop.
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:00 am Comment On This Post

jan 22nd


PATRIOT EXCUSES FOR WHY 11 OR THEIR 12 BALLS WERE UNDER-INFLATED

10. Couldn’t properly inflate the balls because they were too busy inflating their ticket prices.

9. Bill Belichick learned the hard way that you can’t inflate footballs with the same pump you use on your penis.

8. They thought the amount of air in the balls was irrelevant…you know, like the Pro Bowl.

7. Coach Belichick doesn’t have time to monitor the inflating of the footballs because he’s too busy studying illegally made video tapes of opponents defensive signals.

6. “They were in the pool! They were in the pool!”

5. Trying to emulate Mike McCarthy who earlier Sunday took the air out an entire state.

4. The Patriots let the Chicago Bears inflate the balls because they thought they really blew but it turns out, as we all know, they actually suck.

3. Can’t remember what happened to their balls after they had a drink with Bill Cosby.

2. Patriot in charge of ball inflation was Aaron Hernandez but he only knows how to pump things full of lead.

1. They have no excuse for why 11 of the 12 balls were under-inflated but will come up with something just as soon as they get done firing the guy who didn’t under-inflate that 12th ball.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

nov 3rd 2014

WHAT THE HAZARDOUS MATERIAL IS THAT SHUT DOWN A FOUR BLOCK AREA OF OSHKOSH OVER THE WEEKEND.

10. Smurf poop.

9.  Used condoms from a responsible, safe sex practicing Ebola monkey. 

8. My extensive collection of celebrity pubic wigs.

7. Several pounds of sand from a certain Chicago quarterback’s hidey hole.

6. The pole from the recently closed Naughty Girls strip club.

5. Dom Capers’ defensive plan from the New Orleans game.

4. A selection of naked Joe Buck selfies.

3. The baby batter stained desktop of former corrupt Winnebago County District Attorney Joe Paulus.

2. A vial of the violent, crazy juice Jeff Gordon was drinking at the Texas Motor Speedway.

1. Goopy, viscous gunk from Governor Walker’s wonky eye.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:30 am Comment On This Post

oct 8th 2014


TOP TEN POSSIBLE BATH AND BODY WORKS CANDLES FOR THE DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER WHOSE VIDEO RANT WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK

10. Ill-Tempered Tulip 

9. Pissed Off Peach

8. Bent Out of Shape Sunshine

7. Cheesed Off Cherry Blossom 

6. In a Snit Citrus

5. Bitch is Back Basil

4. Butt Hurt Butterscotch

3. Panties in a Bunch Breeze

2. Sand in her ‘Gina Ginger

1. On the Rag Rosewood
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:37 am Comment On This Post

oct 7th 2014


This couple was sentenced this week in connection with doing it the backseat of an Oconto County Sheriff's vehicle while a deputy was driving them to jail. Seriously!

THINGS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE HAVING SEX IN AN OCONTO COUNTY SQUAD CAR

10. Will these handcuffs make it more difficult…or more kinky?

9. Can I heighten the experience by attaching the officers’ Tasers to my nipples?

8. If I put on the officer's Kevlar vest, would this still be considered “unprotected sex”?

7. How will being known as the guy who’ll do it anywhere affect my social life in prison? 

6. Will doing it so close to the cop’s big, black night stick make me feel inadequate?

5. Is there a police code for sex in the back of a squad car and if there isn't, shouldn't it be a 10-69?

4. Will doing it doggie style make the K9 officer jealous?

3. What are the chances that a woman willing to do it in the backseat of a squad car doesn't have more viruses than a Liberian Petri dish?

2. Since this is Oconto County, is it wrong for me to be doing this with a woman who isn’t even my sister?

1. Will this leave a stain on my permanent record and/or the backseat upholstery?
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:27 am Comment On This Post

oct 2nd 2014


THINGS GREG JENNINGS DOESN’T MISS ABOUT PLAYING IN GREEN BAY  

10. Walking past a trophy case that isn’t as empty as a Kardashian brain cavity.

9. Expending all that energy that comes with celebrating the catching of touchdown passes.

8. The sheer boredom of having the ball thrown to him damn near every week by the same quarterback.

7. Playing alongside running backs who don’t make Michael Jackson’s dad look like Father of the Year.

6. Having to play games after the end of December.

5. Not playing for an owner who seems shadier than a picnic spot in Redwood National Park.

4. Not wearing a uniform that looks like Barney the Dinosaur splooged all over him.  

3. The fresh and clean feeling from a good Packer brainwashing.  

2. Watching BJ Raji scrubbing his taint during post-game shower.

1. Having to use two hands to count a single season’s wins.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:46 am Comment On This Post

sep 24th 2014


REASONS SO MANY AREA ACCIDENTS TUESDAY MORNING

10. People coming south from Green Bay and North from Oshkosh not sure how to drive on rare section of highway 41 not currently under construction.

9. In hind sight, replacing  concrete and asphalt on stretches of state highways with Teflon slathered in Wesson oil perhaps not the best idea.

8. With summer officially over, Wisconsin drivers confused driving on highways that are suddenly no longer filled with speeding, tailgating FIBS weaving in and out of traffic.

7. Many people driving with disregard for their own lives since the pending onslaught of 2014 campaign ads has sapped them of their will to live.

6. Lots of area residents preparing for the trip home from Oktoberfest chose Tuesday morning to start practicing their drunken driving.

5. Chain reaction accident caused by Mayor of Green Bay not being able to see over the dashboard while driving without his booster seat.

4. Too many people trying to drive while using their smart phones to search for pictures of the supposed three breasted woman.

3. Scads of people lost control of their vehicles at the same time lunging for their radios to turn up the 199Ride.com guy so they wouldn't miss a single word.

2. Folks were just rushing to get to work before the snow fall after seeing commercial with Scott Walker in that hole and mistakenly thinking that if he crawled out and saw his shadow it meant winter would arrive six weeks early.

1. One driver actually used their turn signal and confused the hell out of everyone else on the road.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:40 am Comment On This Post

aug 5th 2014


SURPRISES FROM YESTERDAYS BRETT FAVRE HALL OF FAME AND NUMBER RETIREMENT ANNOUNCEMENT

10. Mark Murphy announced the Hall of Fame is also inducting a large wad of Ray Rhodes’ chewing gum.

9. It was revealed that the REAL reason he came out of retirement to play for the Jets and Vikings was to avoid listing to Deanna nag him about mowing the lawn. 

8. Lambeau Ring of Honor also making room for a selection of John Madden lip prints from Brett’s ass.

7. Since his former coach Mike Holmgren will be unable to attend, will be replaced by Chumley the cartoon Walrus. 

6. They are also retiring the number of Brett’s pharmacist. (his cellphone number, that is)

5. Only reason Brett agreed to return to Green Bay is the prospect of a big sweaty hug from Larry McCarren.

4. Instead of holding ceremony at Lambeau, Hall of Fame induction will be take place in the basement of the old Philling Station bar in downtown Appleton.

3. Brett hopes Hall of Fame induction will keep him from being remembered like a character in Brokeback Mountain, a well-meaning country boy who’s balls always ended up in the wrong guy’s hands.

2. In a fitting tribute to his family, Hall of Fame exhibit will also include a selection of items shoplifted by his sister and the bathtub she made meth in.

1. When they retire Brett’s number 4, they’re putting the word “inches” after it.
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:15 am Comment On This Post

jul 24th 2014


WAYS TO PUNISH JUSTIN BIEBER FOR GOING TO DISNEYLAND IN A WHEELCHAIR JUST SO HE COULD CUT THE LINES.

10. Tie him to the tracks of the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.

9. Stick Chip or Dale so far up his butt Richard Gere turns green with envy. 

8. Bind and gag him and toss him in the Finding Nemo pond where he’ll sleep with the fishes.

7. Require him to go in head first to relieve Dumbo's constipation.

6. Make him walk the plank on the Pirates of the Caribbean. (Change name to Pirates of the Caribbieber.)

5. Let the seven dwarves repeatedly hit him in the head with their pick axes. That’s the kind of work that would definitely make me whistle while doing.

4. Make him have sex with Pluto or Donald since he’s already f’n goofy.

3. Hold his tongue on Walt Disney’s frozen body until it sticks there.

2. Cut off his penis and appropriately display it on the It’s a Small World ride.

1. Make him pay full price admission!
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:16 am Comment On This Post

may 1st 2014


A new Gallup Poll show that 50% of Illinois residents wish they lived in another state.


REASONS HALF THE POPULATION OF ILLINOIS WOULD LEAVE IF THEY COULD

10. Sick of being FIBS, would rather move to Ohio and become FOBS.

9. Too hard to drive like an a-hole in state where so does everyone else.

8. Many fear impending earthquake may be set off by the constant rumbling of George Halas continually turning over in his grave for the past 30 years.

7.  Afraid if they get arrested, they may have to share a prison cell with one of their many incarcerated former governors.

6. Years of watching Simon Cowell on TV, makes them want to move to Hollywood where they apparently pay big money for being a rude, arrogant douchebag.

5. Following reports of plans to put the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago, they're afraid someone might start to make them learn how to read.

4. After years of vacationing in Door County and the Wisconsin Dells, would like to try their hands at ruining other lovely tourist destinations.

3. Just want to live in a state with a professional football team.

2. Many getting sick of living among all the creepy Ditka porn ‘staches…even the ones on the guys.

1. Not enough beaches in the state because most of the sand is in their starting quarterback’s vagina.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:16 am Comment On This Post

mar 7th 2014


WHY THE POPE SHOULD VISIT THE GREEN BAY AREA

10. He could share a ride on the Zippin’ Pippin with area religious figure like Aaron Rodgers.

9. He could help defeat the forces of evil and vanquish the satanic minions…when they come up from Chicago to play at Lambeau.

8. He could perform the world’s greatest miracle by creating a hat big enough to fit Tom Milbourn’s head.

7. Just as Jesus turned water into wine, could participate in sacred local tradition of turning beer into urine.

6. He could teach that St. Vince dude some manners by showing him you take the big post hole digger hat off when you’re sitting in front of people at the game.

5. If he can polish off the 93 ounce Gilbert Burger at Champion’s Sports Bar He gets a free autographed picture of former Packer Gilbert Brown.

4. Could get drivers on 41, 43, and 172 to use their directionals and drive the speed limit and that, my friends, would be a miracle.

3. He could try to heal the lame, and what could be more lame than the WIXX morning show.

2. Just as Jesus fed the multitudes with just a loaf of bread and a couple fish, He could try to feed everyone at Paul’s Pantry with just the meat from Brown County Supervisor Guy Zima’s pants.

1. Hey, somebody’s going to have to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the new downtown Wal-Mart on Broadway.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

mar 6th 2014


A guy got tossed off both Twitter and Vine this week for posting pics of himslef having sex with a Hot Pocket. No, seriously! Why? Well....

TOP TEN REASONS TO HUMP A HOT POCKET

10. They are already filled with chicken or beef. Why not add sausage?

9. Wanted to see what it was like doing it with Lindsey Lohan so stuck his junk in the first thing he could find that was crusty and full of its own cheese.

8. Why should old socks, warm apple pies and cantaloupes with holes cut in them have all the fun?

7. He couldn’t hump a ham sandwich because he’s Jewish.

6. If he was going to hump a COLD pocket, he might as well be married.

5. Says right on the box they are “irresistibly hot” which is the same way you would describe Kate Upton, therefore having sex with a Hot Pocket is just like having sex with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.   

4. They sort of look like a vagina…but only if you squint real hard and have only seen really deformed vaginas.

3. Trying to get back at his ex-girlfriend whom he caught in the act with a Subway Five Dollar Foot-Long.

2. If he’d humped a corn dog people would have thought he was gay.

And the number one reason for humping a Hot Pocket…

1. It’s got to be better than eating one!
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:29 am Comment On This Post

jan 21st 2014
The Jets Kellen Winslow Jr. was arrested in November for possession of synthetic marijuana. Now it comes out that has allegedly masturbating in his automobile in a Target parking lot at the time. Winslow explained yesterday that he wasn't masturbating, just changing his clothes...with two empty jars of Vaseline in the front console. Riiiiight!



THINGS KELLEN WINSLOW JUNIOR WAS REALLY DOING IN HIS CAR WITH TWO JARS OF VASELINE.

10. Roughing the li’l passer.

9. Committing illegal use of hands.

8. Beating his opponent off the line.

7. Committing a personal foul.

6. Doing a pump fake.

5. Muffing his own punt.

4. Pounding it right up the middle

3. Engaging in illegal motion downfield.

2. Running a short AND curly route.

1. Getting the ball off just in time.
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

jan 6th 2014


49er's lineman Anthony Davis Tweeted Saturday calling Appleton, where he and his teammates were staying, a "sh*thole". He doesn't explain how he came to that conclusion. Here's some possible reasons...

REASONS 49ER ANTHONY DAVIS DIDN’T LIKE HIS VISIT TO APPLETON.

10. Was disgusted by living conditions in the primate house of the downtown Appleton zoo, not realizing he was actually looking in the window of the NBC 26 valley bureau.

9. No matter how many quarters he stuck in those thin four foot tall slot machines that are about a car length apart on the curb all along College Avenue, they never once paid off.

8. Despite her solid performances in the Hunger Games movies, can’t believe we named a whole university after Jennifer Lawrence.

7. Visited both Houdini Plaza and the Houdini Museum and never found out who or where Dini is.  

6. What kind of city has a crappy downtown that has only one retail store dedicated exclusively to Caged Mixed Martial Arts clothing and fight gear?
5. Only chalk markings downtown are on sandwich boards listing restaurant specials and not on the street marking where dead bodies were found like back in New Jersey where he’s from.

4. Grand Chute hotel whores won’t take a debit card from an out of state bank.

3. Despite seeing a building that clearly said Trout Museum, it didn’t have so much as one stuffed and mounted fish in its entire collection.

2. Despite seeing a building that clearly said Children’s Museum, it didn’t have so much as one stuffed and mounted CHILD in its entire collection.

1. Believes city puts mental health patients to work instead of caring for them after accidentally tuning into Saturday morning edition of Best of Rick and Len.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:21 am Comment On This Post

oct 23rd 2013


USES FOR THE POLE FROM THE PARADISE CLUB

10. Threaten to drop it on North Korea and give entire country some kind of cooter-borne yeast infection.

9. Sell it to the city of Green Bay. Let the Mayor shimmy up it to get things off the top of his desk.

8. Give it an honorary degree in gynecology since it’s seen more women’s private parts than an OB/GYN nurse, a Planned Parenthood doctor and Charlie Sheen combined.

7. Relocate it to Menasha where among all the Shutkoskis, Lingnofskis and Povlowskis, it’ll blend in with all the other poles.

6. If it could hold up thousands of big Wisconsin strippers for 40 years, it should be able to hold up the sagging Leo Frigo Bridge.

5. Lend it out to women to use as the ten foot pool they won’t touch Rick with. 

4. Sell it to Kanye West so she can use it as a blinged out replacement for the stick he already has up his ass.

3. Let NASA send it on first manned plight to Mars. Use it as a flag pole claiming Mars on behalf of the United States and spreading to another planet American democracy and a particularly virulent strain of space herpes.

2. Use it to replace the main frame computer for the Obamacare website. While the Paradise Club stripper pole has no actual computing power, neither, apparently does the main frame computer for the Obamacare website.

1. Give it to Jay Cutler so he can use it to work out once his sprained vagina heals.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:20 am Comment On This Post

oct 15th 2013


REASONS THE POPE IS SELLING HIS HARLEY

10. Too hard getting his helmet on over his big pope hat.

9. There’s no pocket for his holy water bottle in his assless chaps.

8. Figured he didn’t need it anymore since he popped that 1450 V Twin engine into the Popemobile. 

7. Kept getting his rosary beads tangled in his wallet chain.

6. Getting more and more difficult finding affordable black leather cassocks.

5. You try getting up for 6am mass on Sunday morning after a long Saturday poker run.

4. Always getting his vestments caught in the g-damn crankshaft.

3. Got tired of people asking him he we was with the Holy Rollers.

2. Caught a lot of flak for letting Full Throttle Saloon use the Vatican baptismal fountain for wet T shirt contests during this past summer’s bike week.

1. Just like most guys, his wife is making him!
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post

aug 21st 2013



OUTAGAMIE COUNTY DIRECTOR OF EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT JULIE LOEFFELHOLZ'S OTHER EXCUSES FOR NOT ACTIVATING THE SIRENS

10. “My dog ate my activation button.” 

9. “The storm was at 12:30 in the morning and I was afraid those noisy sirens might wake someone”.

8. “Didn’t realize managing response to emergencies was responsibility of Director of Emergency Management.”

7. “I did activate the sirens, but being exposed to all that loud music during Mile of Music left most county residents too deaf to hear them. Oh wait, the storm was before Mile of Music. Oops. Never mind.” 

6. “Was watching a rerun of my favorite episode of Nancy Grace, the one where she was upset about something and didn’t hear the storm approaching.” 

5. “The storm did not occur during regular business hours and Outagamie County had not authorized overtime.”

4. “Pushed the wrong button repeatedly. Turned out I wasn’t activating the sirens, I was just playing with myself.” 

3. “Activation button not easy to find when you have your head up your ass”.

2. “I’m a big Packer fan and figured if I really dropped the ball people would think I’m Jermichael Finley”.

1. “I was in my basement for my safety because, in case you hadn’t heard, there was a big storm coming.”
posted by: Rick and Len at 12:00 am Comment On This Post