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jun 30th


RICK’S VACATION PLANS

10. Going to do his part for the Green Bay Packers by nightly driving Letroy Guion home from the club.

9. Will once again celebrate Independence Day by shooting bottle rockets out of his ass but, unlike last year, this time he'll put them in facing the right direction.

8. He'll try to prove to Len that he can too count the EXACT number of orange barrels from Oconto to Omro.

7. He's going to call and write his congressman to show his support for new legislation that will replace the death penalty with a much worse punishment of making convicted murders spend 6 months as Trump’s Press Secretary.

6. He'll try to clear his good name by finally finding the one-armed man who killed his wife.

5. He's gonna personally model the thong he knitted himself using hair from Mayor Jim Schmitt's eyebrows and Alderman Guy Zima's taint stubble.

4. He'll be picking up a new tape measure to see exactly how far 500 yards is from Channel 5's Brittney Falkers.

3. He's going to be shopping for a silver barbell stud tiny enough for his new Prince Albert piercing.

2. Finally naming his hemorrhoid.

1. Just hanging around at Washington Middle School cowering from 12-year-olds.
posted by: Rick and Len at 1:10 pm Comment On This Post

jun 20th


The nice gentleman in the picture is suing the Chicago Bears because this past season they banned him from appearing on the edge of the field during pregame warmups in all his Packer paraphernalia.

REASONS THE PACKERS OR THEIR FANS SHOULD BE SUING THE BEARS.

10. Impersonating a professional football team, obviously.

9. Leaving wet clumps of vajayjay sand on Lambeau every time Cutler played here.

8. To seek reimbursement for optical bills incurred by fans who attended games in Chicago and had to look at that eye sore they call a stadium.

7. For their fans coming to our state and defiling Green Bay, Door County and the Dells with their putrid FIB stank.

6. Seeking damages incurred to the Lambeau visitor’s locker room by flooding from post-game Cutler tears.

5. Want settlement to repair structural damage to buildings throughout the upper Midwest caused by the earth quaking when George Halas rolls over in his grave every time the Bears lose to the Packers at home.

4. For years they had a coach whose poor performance sullied the good name of Mrs. Thurston Howell the 3rd.

3. For the pain and suffering caused by Mike Ditka making that style of moustache so popular in Chicago, poor Wisconsinites can't tell if they're meeting a Bear fan or a gay 70's porn star.

2. They want reparations for injuries sustained to hundreds of thousands of fans' tympanic membranes when, in mass, they jammed pointy objects in their ears to avoid listening to the Super Bowl Shuffle.

1. Just trying to recover cost of all the daggers Wayne Larrivee has gone through announcing Packer-Bear games. For their fans coming to our state and sullying Green Bay, Door County and the Dells with their putrid FIB stank.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:37 am Comment On This Post

jun 6th


THE WAYS THIS AREA WILL BE AFFECTED BY GLOBAL WARMING AS A RESULT OF THE U.S. PULLING OUT OF THE PARIS ACCORD

10. January spearing on Lake Winnebago will be made more difficult as sturgeon are scared off by all the water skiers.

9. Salt purchased for Appleton winter roads will be used to rim Meade Park municipal pool in effort to convert it to Meade Park municipal margarita.

8. Testicle Festival in Dundas will be cancelled due to all the cattle having sweated their balls off.

7. By the time Green Bay alderman Guy Zima gets home from the grocery store, the steaks in his pants will be already broiled.

6. All Oshkosh meth labs will be converted to make sunscreen.

5. After Wisconsin Dells parks close due to lack of water, Fond du Lac will become a popular destination for tourists who just want to splash around in the yellow puddles.

4. To avoid heat stroke, Packers will play the NFC Championship game at Lambeau on anniversary of famed Ice Bowl in just their undies.

3. Residents of homes in Menasha that get shot up by drive-by shooters will be thankful for the additional ventilation.

2. Little Chute Cheese Fest has no choice but to become Little Chute Fondue Fest.

1. When Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt is all red-faced it will be from sunburn not just because he's mad at me for revealing he gets all his tiny suits by robbing baby coffins.
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:05 am Comment On This Post

apr 13th


Yesterday Mayor Schmitt encouraged people to start bragging about Green Bay to inspire more folks and businesses to move to the city. Well, here we go...

THINGS GREEN BAY HAS TO BRAG ABOUT

10. With practice, several residents are now able to utter the words “Honorable Mayor Jim Schmitt” without giggling.

9. Might be the only city in America where “that one place they almost put a Wal-Mart” passes as a tourist attraction.

8. Is home to five professionally run TV stations and NBC 26.

7. The IQ’s of city council members are in triple digits… combined, obviously.

6. Is now using the money you were over-taxed on the stadium to replace lead pipes so water no longer leaves as bad a taste in your mouth as being over-taxed on the stadium.

5. Will soon be opening a new Air B&B property in the Stadium District that can accommodate up to 28 people all inside one of Tom Milbourn’s old hats.

4. Last year, the city had fewer impromptu clown rap group related amateur finger amputations than Suamico.

3. None of the people injured in last year's Zippin Pippin accident permanently lost the use of their pippins.

2. Is almost 20% more happenin’ than Hobart!

1. Is home to legendary sportscaster Larry McCarren and his pinky fingers which, compared to the mayor, don’t seem THAT crooked.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:28 am Comment On This Post

apr 3rd


10. Replacing the Star-Spangled Banner with Who Let the Dogs Out.

9. Putting naked pictures of Rosie O'Donnell on the five-dollar bill.

8. Establishing a 75% tax on beer, bacon and fudge.

7. Replacing the eagle as our national symbol with the talking mucus from the Musinex commercials.

6. Enacting strict truth in advertising law for guys on dating sites claiming to have large wieners.

5. Authorizing funding to add likeness of O.J. Simpson to Mount Rushmore.

4. Passing a law that requires the chunks in chunky peanut butter be something other than peanuts.

3. Approving proposal to reconfigure Washington Monument to make it look even more "penisy".

2. Mandating compulsory participation in a nationwide swear jar program to fund steep tax cuts for multi-billionaires.

1. Instituting stringent tax penalties against Apple unless they replace Siri with the voice of Joe Buck.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:43 am Comment On This Post

mar 27th


10. Cut municipal spending by putting the mayor’s credit card in a top drawer.

9. Have city council host a fundraising brat fry with sausages obtained from Alderman Zima’s slacks.

8. Sell hot air from council sessions to wind farm.

7. Catch the mayor and steal his pot of gold.

6. Start a city council swear jar. For convenience, allow Alderman Zima to use direct deposit.

5. Shave the mayor’s eyebrows. Sell the hair to a company that makes toupees for balding chimps.

4. Let Alderman Wery look through accounts at the bank where he works and see who can spare a little cash.

3. That fellow just raised a lot of money wheelchair-ing from Janesville. Why not break the mayor’s legs, drop him 170 miles from home and see how he does?

2. Have Mayor and members of the city council take turns in charity dunk tank filled with lukewarm elephant piss.

1. Fittingly, enact half percent sales tax on douchebags.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:40 am Comment On This Post

feb 3rd


THINGS TO DO WHILE NOT WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL

10. Watch the puppy bowl and bet fifty large on which one takes the biggest dump.

9. Write raunchy homoerotic fan fiction about a steamy affair between Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.

8. Play ongoing game of hide and seek with the bookie with whom you bet $5000 on the Packers to beat the Falcons all while adjusting to the idea of a future without thumbs.

7. Update investment portfolio to include Mexican manufactures of 41 foot ladders.

6. Bang Tom Brady's hot model wife while he's busy getting his cheating ass handed to him by the Falcons.

5. Consume all food and beverage items advertised during the big game just to see if you succumb to diabetes or liver failure first.

4. Keep wondering if all the time you spent at last’s year’s Super Bowl party sticking our face in the bowl of Cheetos and doing your “hilarious” Trump impression is the reason you didn’t get invited to any Super Bowl parties this year?

3. Play a spirited game of "got your nose" a leper.

2. Go to UC-Berkley, toast marshmallows over the still smoldering remains of our crumbling civilization.

1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend going to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:47 am Comment On This Post

jan 11th


REASONS RICK REALLY WANTS PACKERS TO BEAT THE COWBOYS.


10. Even if he had 50 colons, Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger a-hole.

9. Even if he made the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s largest odd-toed ungulate, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger jackass.

8. Even if his parents were house flies and he fed exclusively on rotting flesh, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger maggot.

7. Even if he had a long tail that could be used to make paint brushes and spewed road apples from his mouth, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger horse’s ass.

6. Even if he held 500 gallons of viscous, gelatinous goo, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger slime bucket.

5. Even if he was spherically shaped and made entirely of feces, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger turd ball.

4. Even if he was born with a pouch designed to hold copious amounts of extraneous matter skimmed from the surface of foul, brackish water, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger scumbag.

3. Even if he replaced every drop of blood in his circulatory system with vinegar and water, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger douche-bag.

2. Even if he were attached to Ron Jeremy’s balls, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger dick.

1. It will piss off Troy Aikman.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:34 am Comment On This Post

nov 29th 2016


THINGS AARON RODGERS WAS DOING IN THE MYSTERY TENT?

10. Just showing solidarity with native American protestors at Standing Rock by spending time in his own personal teepee.

9. Was taking an enormous dump after feasting on Eagles defense for a half.

8. Trying to spear a rare Philadelphia sturgeon.

7. Reuniting with ALL the members of his family that he’s still talking to.

6. To hell with State Farm, Ford and Prevea Health. Was trolling for big Cabella’s endorsement deal.

5. Hey, if the tent is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.

4. Trying to kill a fly while yelling “No one comes into this tent without paying the price!”

3. Was on-line searching for Cyber Monday deals on bubble wrap to keep Clay Matthews from getting hurt.

2. Was having his prostate discount double checked.

1. Just doing what most of us which we were doing…trying to get away from the sound of John Gruden’s voice.
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:11 am Comment On This Post

sep 27th 2016



TOP TEN BIGGEST SURPRISES OF THE DEBATE

10. For the entire 90 minutes, Hillary was able to maintain human form.

9. Trump’s continuous sniffling conclusively proved it’s possible to be allergic to your own bull crap.

8. When Hillary smiled, her face did not shatter.

7. Despite there being little or no evidence of the fact, apparently moderator Lester Holt was in attendance for the entire debate.

6. Hillary was able to remain upright and speaking despite reportedly suffering from pneumonia, Parkinson’s, brain damage, syphilis, Mad Zombie Disease and a bad case of cooties.

5. Despite being coached by Roger Ailes, Donald at no point called Hillary “Honey”, “baby”, “Sweetie pie” or anything that rhymed with “grunt”.

4. The guy who called Ted Cruz’s wife ugly and accused Ted’s father of assassinating JFK got upset because that bad lady was mean to him.

3. Hillary expressed a concern about what would happen if Trump got his hands on the nuclear codes when she knows full well the codes are too big for such little hands.

2. Despite chuckling a number of times, Clinton's laugh did not actually summon a flock ravens.

1. There was no bloodshed.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:38 am Comment On This Post

sep 12th 2016


PUNISHIMENTS FOR MAYOR JIM SCHMITT

10. Lifelong suspension from the Lollypop Guild.

9. Bring tasty snacks to work each day but always put them on a high shelf.

8. Force him to resign from mayor’s office and return to his old job, chasing after the kids who stole his Lucky Charms.

7. Browbeat him by literally beating him with his own enormous eyebrows.

6. Take him down to the ole hollow tree behind the Keebler office and let Ernie and the boys administer some old fashioned elf justice.

5. Remove all the Garanimal tags off his clothing so he can no longer dress himself.

4. Sentence him 5 years to standing directly behind a tall, flatulent man.

3. No more off-o-work-you-go kisses from Snow White, no matter how High the Ho might be.

2. Forcibly shave his eyebrows and use the hair to make fur coats for baboons going through chemo.

1. Put one of those "You must me at least this tall" signs on his wife.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:02 am Comment On This Post

aug 24th 2016


A new study showed that the radio is the 2nd most comforting sound for Americans, right behind birds chirping. WAPL may be a lot of things, but we never before thought of it as "comforting" until now. Here's the...

MOST COMFORTING THINGS ABOUT LISTENING TO WAPL

10. Hearing Ross Maxwell shout at and deride people makes you realize your mother-in-law could actually be worse.

9. Every time John on the Road Show talks about something he "saw", you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that if he hasn't gone blind yet, what your mother told you about doing that thing couldn't possibly be true.

8. You don’t get worked up by talk of the Zika virus knowing that no mosquito could be as dangerous as the bug that is safely and permanently contained up Len’s ass.

7. You can rest assured you never have to worry about embarrassing yourself by not knowing the correct pronunciation of “plantar fasciitis”.

6. Listening to Roxanne’s voice helps you relax knowing you’re saving $3.99 a minute not counting the slight uptick it causes in your Kleenex budget.

5. You can feel reassured knowing that if you ever run afoul of the mob, the FBI will find a new identity and safe place for you just like they did for Tim “the hit man” Hart, or as he used to be known, Vinnie “the hit man” Gamberino, formerly of Teaneck, New Jersey.

4. Only a mad man would not feel comforted by hearing “Wooo” 20 or 30 times a day.

3. If you are a parent of a teen that you’re convinced never will amount to anything, the Road Show is comforting proof they could still find a job that doesn’t involve cleaning up poop or washing some rich guy’s balls.

2. You take comfort in knowing your virility isn't in question because for some reason, every time you hear Elwood on the New Male Medical ad you get the weirdest boner.

1. Whenever you hear Rick’s voice broadcasting from the WAPL studio you can rest assured he’s at leady not hanging around outside your kid’s elementary school or playground.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:33 am Comment On This Post

aug 2nd 2016


REASONS WHY AN EVIL CLOWN IS WANDERING AROUND GREEN BAY

10. Just swapping make-up tips with Tom Zalaski.

9. Seeing as it’s been 8 months since the Packer-Bear debacle at Lambeau, figured local residents could use a fresh dose of nightmare fuel.

8. He’s trying to prove there actually is something in the world scarier than Mayor Schmitt’s eyebrows.

7. Demonstrating to local residents that not all evil clowns have orange hair and tiny hands.

6. If this summer’s malfunction didn’t make the Zippin Pippin seem even scarier, try riding it while sitting next to an embittered cast-off from season 6 of American Horror Story.

5. Heading over to Seroogy's for quality candy to stock his windowless panel van.

4. Needs to fill his balloons and knows there's no better source of hot air than Guy Zima.

3. In town to attend funeral of 43 other clowns killed in a recent one-car accident.

2. Staring in a Let Me Be Frank Productions musical version of Stephen King's It.

1. He’s probably doing the same thing most evil clowns do in Green Bay, running for city council.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:17 am Comment On This Post

jul 21st 2016


SURPRISES AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

10. Animal control responded to a late night call after Trump’s hair escaped and was found humping one of the Duck Dynasty guy’s beards.

9. Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato are both still alive and apparently, not the same person.

8. Despite his deep respect for both, Trump chose neither Vladimir Putin or the rotting corpse of Saddam Hussein as his running mate.

7. The devil himself did not make an appearance to personally endorse Trump because he’s too scared of malevolent repercussions from the Clintons.

6. After being run for two whole days by Trump, the convention still hasn’t filed for bankruptcy.

5. His Vice President was chosen through careful behind the scenes vetting process and not a special All Star Edition of Celebrity Apprentice.

4. Security stopped an orangutan at the door that wanted its taint hair back.

3. Despite being repeatedly humiliated by Trump in recent weeks, when Chris Christie appeared on stage last night, he was not wearing a ball gag and leather gimp mask.

2. Donald tore himself away from arduous task of trolling Central European strip clubs looking for the next Mrs. Trump long enough to attend.

1. Hillary did not fly over the Quicken Loans arena last night spelling out "Surrender Donald" with her broomstick.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:52 am Comment On This Post

jul 13th 2016


A woman in Polk County in Northwest Wisconsin was arrested for allegedly performing sexual acts for money...in a chicken coop.

SIGNS SOMEBODY IS RUNNING A BROTHEL IN YOUR CHICKEN COOP

10. Eggs not the only thing getting laid.

9. Instead of "cock a doodle doo", all you hear from the coop is "cock a doodle do..me".

8. A blonde girl keeps making that motion with her hand like she’s tossing feed but that’s not feed in her hand.

7. No clucking or plucking but still a lot of ucking going on.

6. Eggs retrieved from coop too rubbery to eat due to hens consuming so many used condoms.

5. When she was busted and charged, the officer didn’t know if he should spell “foul play” it with a “u” or a “w”.

4. The girl's pimp bears a striking resemblance to Colonel Sanders.

3. When local gamers wander by looking for Pokémon, all they find is a man poking woman.

2. You keep hearing this…"Oh my god, there's a chicken in the bed!" (Paris Hilton audio)

1. To make it seem more like a legitimate site for illegal prostitution, they’ve decorated the coop look to look like a Grand Chute motel room.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:47 am Comment On This Post

jun 21st 2016


The new Gallup pole indicates that congress has an impressive 13% approval rating. Here are some...

WAYS CONGRESS COULD BOOST THEIR POPULARITY

10. Vote to authorize use of Obamacare funds to buy every red blooded American two six packs and a hooker.

9. Authorize the use of military force to keep the peace in Green Bay City Council meetings.

8. Pass bill requiring the US Postal Service to add LSD to the glue they use on postage stamps. And while it may not improve their popularity, it will make old people mailing letters talk about more interesting things than how it used to only cost a nickel to mail a first class letter.

7. Threaten to defund the Environmental Protection Agency unless they designate Kim Kardashian’s lady hole as a Super Fund clean-up site.

6. Approve funding for search and rescue mission to retrieve missing Americans who have been lost or trapped in Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt’s eyebrows.

5. Approve immediate use of FEMA funds to treat people affected by prolonged exposure to Joe Buck doing golf coverage.

4. Prosecute the Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” guy who is now doing ads for Sprint on Federal treason charges. 3. Entertain a worried nation by hosting a National Kick a Congressman in the Crotch contest.

2. Shore up both floundering bottled water and distilled vinegar industries by voting to authorize drilling in Jay Cutler.

1. Have them reveal to a grateful nation that the 2016 presidential campaign has really just been a very entertaining exercise in performance art before introducing the real candidates; two bright, normal likeable people capable of logical reasoning and civilized discourse and who don’t have chunks of anthracite coal where their souls should be and piles of fresh, steaming horse manure where their brains should be.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:40 am Comment On This Post

jun 21st 2016


THINGS RICK WOULD THINK ABOUT TO DELAY THE MOMENT IF HE WAS ACTUALLY HAVING SEX

10. Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna in his big floppy hat.

9. Len playing the greatest hits of Iggy Azalea on his accordion.

8. Licking Main Street in Fond du Lac clean on Saturday night.

7. The governor’s cold, wonky eye.

6. Tom Milbourn doing the chicken dance in a banana hammock.

5. What it would feel like to wear a hand knitted sweater made exclusively from hair extracted from warts on Rosie O’Donnell’s back fat.

4. What Kaukauna would smell like if you added a Limburger cheese factory.

3. Donald Trump giving me the finger while wearing baby mittens on his wee-little hands.

2. A cupcake frosted with pus from Carol’s infected ear hole.

1. Doing hand stands in a Porta John on the last day of Country USA.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:19 am Comment On This Post

jun 13th 2016



TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT HAVING ROSS HERE INSTEAD OF LEN

9. Ross doesn’t beat me with a switch the way Len does if I only come up with nine items for the top ten list.

8. Cuts the old people smell in the studio by half.

7. Women are drawn to Ross’s adorable muffin ass like flies to poop.

6. Ross smells only of stale beer and resentment not patchouli and hippy juice like Len does after his long weekends.

5. I have someone in the studio to Twerk with during AC/DC songs.

4. Ross doesn’t complain as much as Len does about helping me manscape.

3. Reduces Carol’s bitching about having to “work with those a-holes” by almost 20%.

2. Ross’ sunny disposition and vibrant personality gives me an excuse to take an extra Prozac.

1. Since Ross doesn’t play accordion, he doesn’t need me to periodically rub medicated balm on his chaffed nipples.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:35 am Comment On This Post

may 18th 2016


TOP TEN REASONS WHY AREA RESIDENTS DRINK SO MUCH

10. State DOT program where you get one free drunk driving arrest for every 10 punches on your card, far more popular than anticipated.

9. We're just trying to emulate the current governor by drinking until we can’t see straight.

8. We're just trying to emulate a former governor by drinking until we can’t speak straight.

7. Without fees collected from drunk driving repeat offenders, we’ wouldn't be able to afford never ending construction on Highway 41.

6. Hey, you try watching the Milwaukee Brewers sober.

5. People would never be able to survive the WAPL International Incident without an intensive year-round training regimen.

4. Thirty years ago, Appleton built a bridge leading into the downtown, then built a mall in the middle of the street so you couldn’t get anywhere. You can only justify something like that by blaming it on generations of institutional alcoholism.

3. After eating a steady diet of deep fried cheese curds, without the benefit of blood thinning alcohol, the stuff in our veins would have the same consistency of a nice fondue.

2. I swear to god, there is a number 2, I'm just too damn drunk right now to remember it!

1. You can’t wash the bad taste out of your mouth that comes from losing the North Division to the Vikings with just milk or seltzer.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:30 am Comment On This Post

may 11th 2016

Inspired by Appleton Monthly's list, we came up with our own...

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO IN THE FOX VALLEY THIS SUMMER

10. Organize the 1st annual Kimberly Laxative Fest the weekend after 28th annual Little Chute Cheese Fest.

9. Go to the Bubolz Nature Preserve in Grand Chute. Hike the trails. Take a class. Or just try not to giggle every time you think about how much Bubolz sounds like "blue balls".

8. Bring Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt and a tiny saddle to the Greenville Catfish races. Tell everyone he’s a catfish jockey.

7. Visit Appleton's Paper Discovery Center where you can learn about the history of paper and annoy the proprietors by using their restroom and wiping with one of their exhibits.

6. Visit the Building for Kids in downtown Appleton. Try not to look too disappointed when they tell you don’t actually sell kids there, then flee before police arrive.

5. Visit Little Chute’s Windmill, the area’s only tourist attraction that both literally and figuratively blows.

4. Show an interest in local geology by examining the vast collection of rocks at the Weis Earth Science Museum at UW Fox or in Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna's head.

3. Drop by Mulberry Farm in Sherwood where “Milking a cow, catching a chicken, cuddling a kitten or kiss a pig” is all included in the admission. However, that thing you like to do with the sheep is going to cost you extra.

2. Attend Mile of Music and take a dump in Corey Chisel's hat.

1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend were the two of you go to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:59 am Comment On This Post