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apr 13th

Yesterday Mayor Schmitt encouraged people to start bragging about Green Bay to inspire more folks and businesses to move to the city. Well, here we go...


10. With practice, several residents are now able to utter the words “Honorable Mayor Jim Schmitt” without giggling.

9. Might be the only city in America where “that one place they almost put a Wal-Mart” passes as a tourist attraction.

8. Is home to five professionally run TV stations and NBC 26.

7. The IQ’s of city council members are in triple digits… combined, obviously.

6. Is now using the money you were over-taxed on the stadium to replace lead pipes so water no longer leaves as bad a taste in your mouth as being over-taxed on the stadium.

5. Will soon be opening a new Air B&B property in the Stadium District that can accommodate up to 28 people all inside one of Tom Milbourn’s old hats.

4. Last year, the city had fewer impromptu clown rap group related amateur finger amputations than Suamico.

3. None of the people injured in last year's Zippin Pippin accident permanently lost the use of their pippins.

2. Is almost 20% more happenin’ than Hobart!

1. Is home to legendary sportscaster Larry McCarren and his pinky fingers which, compared to the mayor, don’t seem THAT crooked.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:28 am Comment On This Post

apr 3rd

10. Replacing the Star-Spangled Banner with Who Let the Dogs Out.

9. Putting naked pictures of Rosie O'Donnell on the five-dollar bill.

8. Establishing a 75% tax on beer, bacon and fudge.

7. Replacing the eagle as our national symbol with the talking mucus from the Musinex commercials.

6. Enacting strict truth in advertising law for guys on dating sites claiming to have large wieners.

5. Authorizing funding to add likeness of O.J. Simpson to Mount Rushmore.

4. Passing a law that requires the chunks in chunky peanut butter be something other than peanuts.

3. Approving proposal to reconfigure Washington Monument to make it look even more "penisy".

2. Mandating compulsory participation in a nationwide swear jar program to fund steep tax cuts for multi-billionaires.

1. Instituting stringent tax penalties against Apple unless they replace Siri with the voice of Joe Buck.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:43 am Comment On This Post

mar 27th

10. Cut municipal spending by putting the mayor’s credit card in a top drawer.

9. Have city council host a fundraising brat fry with sausages obtained from Alderman Zima’s slacks.

8. Sell hot air from council sessions to wind farm.

7. Catch the mayor and steal his pot of gold.

6. Start a city council swear jar. For convenience, allow Alderman Zima to use direct deposit.

5. Shave the mayor’s eyebrows. Sell the hair to a company that makes toupees for balding chimps.

4. Let Alderman Wery look through accounts at the bank where he works and see who can spare a little cash.

3. That fellow just raised a lot of money wheelchair-ing from Janesville. Why not break the mayor’s legs, drop him 170 miles from home and see how he does?

2. Have Mayor and members of the city council take turns in charity dunk tank filled with lukewarm elephant piss.

1. Fittingly, enact half percent sales tax on douchebags.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:40 am Comment On This Post

feb 3rd


10. Watch the puppy bowl and bet fifty large on which one takes the biggest dump.

9. Write raunchy homoerotic fan fiction about a steamy affair between Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.

8. Play ongoing game of hide and seek with the bookie with whom you bet $5000 on the Packers to beat the Falcons all while adjusting to the idea of a future without thumbs.

7. Update investment portfolio to include Mexican manufactures of 41 foot ladders.

6. Bang Tom Brady's hot model wife while he's busy getting his cheating ass handed to him by the Falcons.

5. Consume all food and beverage items advertised during the big game just to see if you succumb to diabetes or liver failure first.

4. Keep wondering if all the time you spent at last’s year’s Super Bowl party sticking our face in the bowl of Cheetos and doing your “hilarious” Trump impression is the reason you didn’t get invited to any Super Bowl parties this year?

3. Play a spirited game of "got your nose" a leper.

2. Go to UC-Berkley, toast marshmallows over the still smoldering remains of our crumbling civilization.

1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend going to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:47 am Comment On This Post

jan 11th


10. Even if he had 50 colons, Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger a-hole.

9. Even if he made the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s largest odd-toed ungulate, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger jackass.

8. Even if his parents were house flies and he fed exclusively on rotting flesh, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger maggot.

7. Even if he had a long tail that could be used to make paint brushes and spewed road apples from his mouth, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger horse’s ass.

6. Even if he held 500 gallons of viscous, gelatinous goo, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger slime bucket.

5. Even if he was spherically shaped and made entirely of feces, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger turd ball.

4. Even if he was born with a pouch designed to hold copious amounts of extraneous matter skimmed from the surface of foul, brackish water, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger scumbag.

3. Even if he replaced every drop of blood in his circulatory system with vinegar and water, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger douche-bag.

2. Even if he were attached to Ron Jeremy’s balls, Jerry Jones couldn’t be a bigger dick.

1. It will piss off Troy Aikman.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:34 am Comment On This Post

nov 29th 2016


10. Just showing solidarity with native American protestors at Standing Rock by spending time in his own personal teepee.

9. Was taking an enormous dump after feasting on Eagles defense for a half.

8. Trying to spear a rare Philadelphia sturgeon.

7. Reuniting with ALL the members of his family that he’s still talking to.

6. To hell with State Farm, Ford and Prevea Health. Was trolling for big Cabella’s endorsement deal.

5. Hey, if the tent is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.

4. Trying to kill a fly while yelling “No one comes into this tent without paying the price!”

3. Was on-line searching for Cyber Monday deals on bubble wrap to keep Clay Matthews from getting hurt.

2. Was having his prostate discount double checked.

1. Just doing what most of us which we were doing…trying to get away from the sound of John Gruden’s voice.
posted by: Rick and Len at 11:11 am Comment On This Post

sep 27th 2016


10. For the entire 90 minutes, Hillary was able to maintain human form.

9. Trump’s continuous sniffling conclusively proved it’s possible to be allergic to your own bull crap.

8. When Hillary smiled, her face did not shatter.

7. Despite there being little or no evidence of the fact, apparently moderator Lester Holt was in attendance for the entire debate.

6. Hillary was able to remain upright and speaking despite reportedly suffering from pneumonia, Parkinson’s, brain damage, syphilis, Mad Zombie Disease and a bad case of cooties.

5. Despite being coached by Roger Ailes, Donald at no point called Hillary “Honey”, “baby”, “Sweetie pie” or anything that rhymed with “grunt”.

4. The guy who called Ted Cruz’s wife ugly and accused Ted’s father of assassinating JFK got upset because that bad lady was mean to him.

3. Hillary expressed a concern about what would happen if Trump got his hands on the nuclear codes when she knows full well the codes are too big for such little hands.

2. Despite chuckling a number of times, Clinton's laugh did not actually summon a flock ravens.

1. There was no bloodshed.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:38 am Comment On This Post

sep 12th 2016


10. Lifelong suspension from the Lollypop Guild.

9. Bring tasty snacks to work each day but always put them on a high shelf.

8. Force him to resign from mayor’s office and return to his old job, chasing after the kids who stole his Lucky Charms.

7. Browbeat him by literally beating him with his own enormous eyebrows.

6. Take him down to the ole hollow tree behind the Keebler office and let Ernie and the boys administer some old fashioned elf justice.

5. Remove all the Garanimal tags off his clothing so he can no longer dress himself.

4. Sentence him 5 years to standing directly behind a tall, flatulent man.

3. No more off-o-work-you-go kisses from Snow White, no matter how High the Ho might be.

2. Forcibly shave his eyebrows and use the hair to make fur coats for baboons going through chemo.

1. Put one of those "You must me at least this tall" signs on his wife.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:02 am Comment On This Post

aug 24th 2016

A new study showed that the radio is the 2nd most comforting sound for Americans, right behind birds chirping. WAPL may be a lot of things, but we never before thought of it as "comforting" until now. Here's the...


10. Hearing Ross Maxwell shout at and deride people makes you realize your mother-in-law could actually be worse.

9. Every time John on the Road Show talks about something he "saw", you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that if he hasn't gone blind yet, what your mother told you about doing that thing couldn't possibly be true.

8. You don’t get worked up by talk of the Zika virus knowing that no mosquito could be as dangerous as the bug that is safely and permanently contained up Len’s ass.

7. You can rest assured you never have to worry about embarrassing yourself by not knowing the correct pronunciation of “plantar fasciitis”.

6. Listening to Roxanne’s voice helps you relax knowing you’re saving $3.99 a minute not counting the slight uptick it causes in your Kleenex budget.

5. You can feel reassured knowing that if you ever run afoul of the mob, the FBI will find a new identity and safe place for you just like they did for Tim “the hit man” Hart, or as he used to be known, Vinnie “the hit man” Gamberino, formerly of Teaneck, New Jersey.

4. Only a mad man would not feel comforted by hearing “Wooo” 20 or 30 times a day.

3. If you are a parent of a teen that you’re convinced never will amount to anything, the Road Show is comforting proof they could still find a job that doesn’t involve cleaning up poop or washing some rich guy’s balls.

2. You take comfort in knowing your virility isn't in question because for some reason, every time you hear Elwood on the New Male Medical ad you get the weirdest boner.

1. Whenever you hear Rick’s voice broadcasting from the WAPL studio you can rest assured he’s at leady not hanging around outside your kid’s elementary school or playground.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:33 am Comment On This Post

aug 2nd 2016


10. Just swapping make-up tips with Tom Zalaski.

9. Seeing as it’s been 8 months since the Packer-Bear debacle at Lambeau, figured local residents could use a fresh dose of nightmare fuel.

8. He’s trying to prove there actually is something in the world scarier than Mayor Schmitt’s eyebrows.

7. Demonstrating to local residents that not all evil clowns have orange hair and tiny hands.

6. If this summer’s malfunction didn’t make the Zippin Pippin seem even scarier, try riding it while sitting next to an embittered cast-off from season 6 of American Horror Story.

5. Heading over to Seroogy's for quality candy to stock his windowless panel van.

4. Needs to fill his balloons and knows there's no better source of hot air than Guy Zima.

3. In town to attend funeral of 43 other clowns killed in a recent one-car accident.

2. Staring in a Let Me Be Frank Productions musical version of Stephen King's It.

1. He’s probably doing the same thing most evil clowns do in Green Bay, running for city council.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:17 am Comment On This Post

jul 21st 2016


10. Animal control responded to a late night call after Trump’s hair escaped and was found humping one of the Duck Dynasty guy’s beards.

9. Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato are both still alive and apparently, not the same person.

8. Despite his deep respect for both, Trump chose neither Vladimir Putin or the rotting corpse of Saddam Hussein as his running mate.

7. The devil himself did not make an appearance to personally endorse Trump because he’s too scared of malevolent repercussions from the Clintons.

6. After being run for two whole days by Trump, the convention still hasn’t filed for bankruptcy.

5. His Vice President was chosen through careful behind the scenes vetting process and not a special All Star Edition of Celebrity Apprentice.

4. Security stopped an orangutan at the door that wanted its taint hair back.

3. Despite being repeatedly humiliated by Trump in recent weeks, when Chris Christie appeared on stage last night, he was not wearing a ball gag and leather gimp mask.

2. Donald tore himself away from arduous task of trolling Central European strip clubs looking for the next Mrs. Trump long enough to attend.

1. Hillary did not fly over the Quicken Loans arena last night spelling out "Surrender Donald" with her broomstick.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:52 am Comment On This Post

jul 13th 2016

A woman in Polk County in Northwest Wisconsin was arrested for allegedly performing sexual acts for a chicken coop.


10. Eggs not the only thing getting laid.

9. Instead of "cock a doodle doo", all you hear from the coop is "cock a doodle".

8. A blonde girl keeps making that motion with her hand like she’s tossing feed but that’s not feed in her hand.

7. No clucking or plucking but still a lot of ucking going on.

6. Eggs retrieved from coop too rubbery to eat due to hens consuming so many used condoms.

5. When she was busted and charged, the officer didn’t know if he should spell “foul play” it with a “u” or a “w”.

4. The girl's pimp bears a striking resemblance to Colonel Sanders.

3. When local gamers wander by looking for Pokémon, all they find is a man poking woman.

2. You keep hearing this…"Oh my god, there's a chicken in the bed!" (Paris Hilton audio)

1. To make it seem more like a legitimate site for illegal prostitution, they’ve decorated the coop look to look like a Grand Chute motel room.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:47 am Comment On This Post

jun 21st 2016

The new Gallup pole indicates that congress has an impressive 13% approval rating. Here are some...


10. Vote to authorize use of Obamacare funds to buy every red blooded American two six packs and a hooker.

9. Authorize the use of military force to keep the peace in Green Bay City Council meetings.

8. Pass bill requiring the US Postal Service to add LSD to the glue they use on postage stamps. And while it may not improve their popularity, it will make old people mailing letters talk about more interesting things than how it used to only cost a nickel to mail a first class letter.

7. Threaten to defund the Environmental Protection Agency unless they designate Kim Kardashian’s lady hole as a Super Fund clean-up site.

6. Approve funding for search and rescue mission to retrieve missing Americans who have been lost or trapped in Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt’s eyebrows.

5. Approve immediate use of FEMA funds to treat people affected by prolonged exposure to Joe Buck doing golf coverage.

4. Prosecute the Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” guy who is now doing ads for Sprint on Federal treason charges. 3. Entertain a worried nation by hosting a National Kick a Congressman in the Crotch contest.

2. Shore up both floundering bottled water and distilled vinegar industries by voting to authorize drilling in Jay Cutler.

1. Have them reveal to a grateful nation that the 2016 presidential campaign has really just been a very entertaining exercise in performance art before introducing the real candidates; two bright, normal likeable people capable of logical reasoning and civilized discourse and who don’t have chunks of anthracite coal where their souls should be and piles of fresh, steaming horse manure where their brains should be.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:40 am Comment On This Post

jun 21st 2016


10. Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna in his big floppy hat.

9. Len playing the greatest hits of Iggy Azalea on his accordion.

8. Licking Main Street in Fond du Lac clean on Saturday night.

7. The governor’s cold, wonky eye.

6. Tom Milbourn doing the chicken dance in a banana hammock.

5. What it would feel like to wear a hand knitted sweater made exclusively from hair extracted from warts on Rosie O’Donnell’s back fat.

4. What Kaukauna would smell like if you added a Limburger cheese factory.

3. Donald Trump giving me the finger while wearing baby mittens on his wee-little hands.

2. A cupcake frosted with pus from Carol’s infected ear hole.

1. Doing hand stands in a Porta John on the last day of Country USA.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:19 am Comment On This Post

jun 13th 2016


9. Ross doesn’t beat me with a switch the way Len does if I only come up with nine items for the top ten list.

8. Cuts the old people smell in the studio by half.

7. Women are drawn to Ross’s adorable muffin ass like flies to poop.

6. Ross smells only of stale beer and resentment not patchouli and hippy juice like Len does after his long weekends.

5. I have someone in the studio to Twerk with during AC/DC songs.

4. Ross doesn’t complain as much as Len does about helping me manscape.

3. Reduces Carol’s bitching about having to “work with those a-holes” by almost 20%.

2. Ross’ sunny disposition and vibrant personality gives me an excuse to take an extra Prozac.

1. Since Ross doesn’t play accordion, he doesn’t need me to periodically rub medicated balm on his chaffed nipples.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:35 am Comment On This Post

may 18th 2016


10. State DOT program where you get one free drunk driving arrest for every 10 punches on your card, far more popular than anticipated.

9. We're just trying to emulate the current governor by drinking until we can’t see straight.

8. We're just trying to emulate a former governor by drinking until we can’t speak straight.

7. Without fees collected from drunk driving repeat offenders, we’ wouldn't be able to afford never ending construction on Highway 41.

6. Hey, you try watching the Milwaukee Brewers sober.

5. People would never be able to survive the WAPL International Incident without an intensive year-round training regimen.

4. Thirty years ago, Appleton built a bridge leading into the downtown, then built a mall in the middle of the street so you couldn’t get anywhere. You can only justify something like that by blaming it on generations of institutional alcoholism.

3. After eating a steady diet of deep fried cheese curds, without the benefit of blood thinning alcohol, the stuff in our veins would have the same consistency of a nice fondue.

2. I swear to god, there is a number 2, I'm just too damn drunk right now to remember it!

1. You can’t wash the bad taste out of your mouth that comes from losing the North Division to the Vikings with just milk or seltzer.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:30 am Comment On This Post

may 11th 2016

Inspired by Appleton Monthly's list, we came up with our own...


10. Organize the 1st annual Kimberly Laxative Fest the weekend after 28th annual Little Chute Cheese Fest.

9. Go to the Bubolz Nature Preserve in Grand Chute. Hike the trails. Take a class. Or just try not to giggle every time you think about how much Bubolz sounds like "blue balls".

8. Bring Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt and a tiny saddle to the Greenville Catfish races. Tell everyone he’s a catfish jockey.

7. Visit Appleton's Paper Discovery Center where you can learn about the history of paper and annoy the proprietors by using their restroom and wiping with one of their exhibits.

6. Visit the Building for Kids in downtown Appleton. Try not to look too disappointed when they tell you don’t actually sell kids there, then flee before police arrive.

5. Visit Little Chute’s Windmill, the area’s only tourist attraction that both literally and figuratively blows.

4. Show an interest in local geology by examining the vast collection of rocks at the Weis Earth Science Museum at UW Fox or in Appleton Mayor Tim Hanna's head.

3. Drop by Mulberry Farm in Sherwood where “Milking a cow, catching a chicken, cuddling a kitten or kiss a pig” is all included in the admission. However, that thing you like to do with the sheep is going to cost you extra.

2. Attend Mile of Music and take a dump in Corey Chisel's hat.

1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend were the two of you go to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:59 am Comment On This Post

may 4th 2016


10. Is going to start a new website called Punchable Face…book.

9. Will spend several weeks in a deep funk unable to get out of bed giving a new meaning to the name “Lyin’ Ted”.

8. Plans to spend more time with his family…and elbowing them in the face.

7. Will just kick back and relax with a couple of Molson’s like any good Canadian.

6. Will admit that he really is the Zodiac Killer, the lead singer of Stryper, Kevin from The Office and also Becky with the good hair.

5. Will have his running mate Carly Fiorina do what she does best…and let her fire his campaign staff.

4. Is going to get together with some buddies and a basketball to shoot some “rings”.

3. Going back to tucking his daughters in at night, giving them their good night kisses and watching them flinch.

2. He's going to Disneyland...oh, wait that's just for winners.

1. Will decide if he should license the new name John Boehner gave him last week, "Lucifer in the Flesh", to be used by a Rock Band, Race Horse or Porn Film.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:24 am Comment On This Post

apr 28th 2016


10. Tommy Tea Bag

9. Peter Plums

8. Testy, My Besty

7. Lance Love Apples

6. Gilbert Giggle-Berries

5. Yacob Yambag

4. Chad Nads

3. Scrotty

2. Howie Hangin’

1. Sack-ajawea

posted by: Rick and Len at 10:08 am Comment On This Post

apr 12th 2016

Yesterday Governor Walker encouraged people to buy his leftover Walker for President t-shirts for just $45 each to help him pay off his campaign debt. He suggested doing something "crafty" with them. Here's the...


10. Dye them blaze orange so you have something to wear for hunting or weddings.

9. Add the word “white” before Walker and sell them to gullible Game of Thrones fans.

8. Add the words “Texas Ranger” after Walker and sell them to gullible Chuck Norris fans.

7. Burn them to fire bricks that can be used to start building his wall on the Canadian border.

6. Change the “L” in his name to an “N” so it looks like you support any of the candidates.

5. Cut them into strips and eat them. Find they are easier to pass than pro-teacher legislation in this state.

4. Use them to wipe your ass since they’re just about as biodegradable as the so called flushable wipes you’ve been using.

3. Use them to dab Rogaine on the governor's growing bald spot, excuse me, cabinet injury.

2. Stuff them in the mouth of jerky no-talent morning radio guys who make fun of his wonky eye.

1. Do what losing Super Bowl teams have done for years. Send them to third world countries like Kenya where some kid who gets one will do what the Governor couldn’t and become President of the United States one day.
posted by: Rick and Len at 10:32 am Comment On This Post