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jan 20th

Every time they show Joe Biden: take a shot, until your eyes are so out of focus his hair plug look totally natural.

Every time they show Vice President Cheney: drink three shots, one for each of the 6’s on his head.

If Cheney is sitting in his new wheelchair and is actually smiling: drink shots until you have more trouble walking than he does.

If they show Bill and Hillary acting like they actually love each other: drink something that will taste just as good coming back up and it was going down.

Every time they show President Bush looking as confused as a hungry baby in topless bar: drink a glass of warm milk.

If the station you’re watching shows a close-up of the press corps: start drinking brews until your beer goggles are so thick you’d bang Helen Thomas.

Every time MS-NBC shows a shot of Keith Olbermann or Chris Matthews, take a drink: of anything. Just to take your eyes off the TV long enough so you don’t find yourself looking at their very noticeable Obama boners.

If outgoing Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice gets caught up in the spirit of “change” and decides to use the occasion to finally “come out” by snaking her tongue down Cheney’s lesbian daughter’s throat. Like them, enjoy the licker of your choice.

Every time Obama says the word “change” during his speech: DO NOT DRINK!!! We’re not trying to kill people here. If you took even just a sip every time he said the “c” word, you’d die. Seriously. Even if you only drank water, you will drown!

And if, following President Obama’s speech, you find yourself glowing with optimism, certain that all the problems of the last 8 years are about to magically disappear and all will be right with the world: drink a case of Red Bull You gotta wake up, man! You are dreaming!