THINGS YOU’D USE TO BLIND YOURSELF WITH RATHER THAN CHOOSING BETWEEN LOOKING AT THE OCTOMOM PORNO OR A NAKED MAGAZINE LAYOUT OF THE TANNING BED MOM.
10. The 10-foot pole women wouldn’t touch Rick with.
9. Enough bleach to disinfect they entire cast of the Jersey Shore.
8. A dull straight razor. (that one particularly for fans of early 20th century surrealist Spanish filmmaking.)
7. Eye socket sized stainless steel melon-baller.
6. Rusty fishing lure with dirty Eagle Claw treble hook.
5. The needle of a syringe you found dangling from Courtney Love’s bony arm.
4. Same ice pick you used to chip off a few cubes to make yourself a drink you incorrectly thought would be strong enough to get those naked images out of your head.
3. Ralphie’s Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle from A Christmas Story.
2. One of those long, metal poles they stick in a chicken’s ass to make it go around on a rotisserie.
1. The sharp pointy tip of one of the Kardashian sister’s dunce caps.