WAYS CHANNEL 5 WILL BE DIFFERENT WITHOUT TOM MAHONEY
10. Without his shimmering bald head, the shiniest thing in the studio will be the gold Spandex unitard Zalaski wears when he wrestles himself.
9. No longer need to schedule extra recycling pick up to take away all the empty Jameson bottles every St. Patrick’s Day.
8. With no ordained deacon in their employ, the only religious ceremonies that will occur in the newsroom will be when Shelly Boutott butchers live goats as her annual sacrifice to her dark lord Satan.
7. Unspoken sexual tension between him and Erin to be replaced with more awkward banter between her and Dave Miller.
6. Without beloved radio personalities stopping by to become victims of Mahoney’s dementia fueled pie attacks, whenever the rest of the staff wants to get slathered in flying whipped dairy product they’ll have to just cream themselves.
5. News studio will smell of fresh monkey feces following the hiring of only replacement with the right skills to correctly predict the weather just as well as Tom did.
4. Without his old toupee laying around anymore, now when you see a big wad of matted hair in the building, there’s a 50% chance Erin Davisson didn’t clean up after shaving her legs.
3. Without his old toupees laying around anymore, now when you see a big wad of matted hair in the building, there’s a 50% chance Zalaski’s pubic wig fell off.
2. Justin Steinbrink to inherit the dice, dart board and flipping coin Tom has used to predict weather throughout his career.
1. Without his daily forecasts, the only thing that will be totally wrong 90% of the time will be Zalalski’s choice of suits.