THINGS TO DO WHILE NOT WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL
10. Watch the puppy bowl and bet fifty large on which one takes the biggest dump.
9. Write raunchy homoerotic fan fiction about a steamy affair between Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.
8. Play ongoing game of hide and seek with the bookie with whom you bet $5000 on the Packers to beat the Falcons all while adjusting to the idea of a future without thumbs.
7. Update investment portfolio to include Mexican manufactures of 41 foot ladders.
6. Bang Tom Brady's hot model wife while he's busy getting his cheating ass handed to him by the Falcons.
5. Consume all food and beverage items advertised during the big game just to see if you succumb to diabetes or liver failure first.
4. Keep wondering if all the time you spent at last’s year’s Super Bowl party sticking our face in the bowl of Cheetos and doing your “hilarious” Trump impression is the reason you didn’t get invited to any Super Bowl parties this year?
3. Play a spirited game of "got your nose" a leper.
2. Go to UC-Berkley, toast marshmallows over the still smoldering remains of our crumbling civilization.
1. Plan a full day with your wife or girlfriend going to one of those places where you make and paint your own pottery…all while gamely struggling not to put the gun in your mouth.