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jul 19th

This morning, one of the leading articles on the Oshkosh Northwestern website was the breaking story 8 Fun Facts About Squirrels. Despite this article being such Pulitzer bait, we decided to come up with own....


1. Since January 20th, the Secret Service has wrestled nearly 200 squirrels to the ground to prevent them from humping that thing on the president’s head.

2. A controversial gene splicing experiment at a rogue Ironwood, Michigan genetics lab used DNA from an over caffeinated squirrel and an accommodating cocktail waitress to create Channel 2 morning news anchor Tammy Elliott.

3. In 1895, during a confusing period following the death of city founder Curtis Reed, Menasha briefly elected a red squirrel as acting mayor.

4. The reason squirrels chew on everything is that their teeth grow rapidly at over 5 inches a year...just like Tommy Lee's penis.

5. Former Wisconsin Governor Lee Dreyfus was known for never leaving home without his signature red vest on his torso and a live gray squirrel in his pants.

6. A poll conducted early in the 2016 football season showed that 93% of Packer season ticket holders believed that a brain damaged squirrel would have been a better choice for team’s defensive coordinator.

7. In some parts of northern Oconto County, squirrel pubes are considered a delicacy.

8. Baby squirrels and adult porn starlets are the only mammals that depend entirely upon seed for their protein.