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oct 26th
UPLIFTING SHOPLIFTING POEM!



Each day we tell you stories of crimes
Of every type imaginable.
Stories of such ridiculousness
The stupidity is unfathomable.

There’s so many stupid crimes
We even have a contest called “Dumb Drunk or Stoned”.
But seldom does someone do something so idiotic
It deserves to be memorialized in a poem.

A 29-year-old woman named Sierra Coleman
Did just that at an IKEA store.
Where she tried her hand at shoplifting
And actually, made it out the door.

But she didn’t get much further.
She didn’t really have a chance.
Of security not noticing her hiding a frying pan
in her skin-tight yoga pants.

That’s right, this genius thought,
A place to hide a frying pan that would be super
Was between some flimsy, tight-fitting fabric
And her considerable pooper.

It left her posterior mismatched,
With a right, round and curvy right cheek.
And the left one looking like something made by Williams Sonoma
Like she's some kind of skillet-assed circus freak.

She might have gotten away with it.
And avoided a brush with the cops.
If only her other buttock
Was also shaped like something in which you’d fry up a nice pork chop.

But she couldn't slip away
From her unfortunate circumstance.
If only she had been coated with Teflon
Like the non-stick pan she slid down her yoga pants.

The lesson to be learned
If you're going to shoplift something lumpy.
Don't wear skin tight clothing.
You're better off with frumpy.

But despite her illegal efforts
Being just downright laughable. 
Perhaps we can make a love connection
And pair her with someone quite compatible.

Maybe we can make a perfect match
For this idiotic frying pan thief
With our own Green Bay Alderman Guy Zima
Who's pants were once filled with beef.

They could have a lovely evening
And compare their criminal acts
By preparing a delicious dinner
Using just things found in their slacks.