REAL (UNVERIFIED) REASONS THE GOVERNOR ISSUED THE SAFER AT HOME ORDER FOR WISCONSIN
10. Trying to prevent FIBs from coming over the border and taking our precious reserves of locally sourced toilet paper.
9. Keeping most people off the streets for a few weeks to make the annual spring blanketing of our streets and highways with orange cones and barrels faster and more efficient.
8. Would rather Iowa continue to be the state known for Idiots Out Wandering Around.
7. Has most his money invested in the company that makes computer solitaire games.
6. Wanted to give Wisconsinites more time to learn how to properly wash our hands before next week moving on to wiping our butts and properly using directional signals.
5. Wants to stop regular influx of Yoopers entering our state just to find out what using an indoor toilet feels like.
4. Thinks designating many of the state’s lowest paid works as “essential” will give a boost to their self-esteem.
3. Learned not enough state residents are practicing social distancing by staying 6 feet, or two former Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt lengths, apart.
2. Is attempting to prevent panic should state residents discover we’re down to our last fifth of Korbel brandy and fewer cherries than you would find at the Kardashian family reunion.
1. He’s just punishing us for saying he looks like Skeletor’s grandfather.
