PUNISHMENTS FOR…
WISCONSIN OWI #1: you will not be allowed to drive any vehicle for two full hours or until the slap on your wrist stops smarting.
Wisconsin OWI #2: you will not be allowed to drive any vehicle for up to half a day or until the slaps on both your wrists stop smarting.
Wisconsin OWI #3: you will be allowed to drive only if your vehicle is equipped with an interlock ignition system that requires you to be accompanied by a small child who can breathe into the device to start the car whenever you’re out drinking.
Wisconsin OWI: #4: you will still be allowed to drive in a vehicle equipped with an interlock ignition system but if you are caught doing so while intoxicated, you will be sentenced to perform community service which will entail going back and picking up the trail of empty White Claw cans and Natty Light bottles you left in your wake.
Wisconsin OWI #5: an officer of the court will be instructed to immediately seize the keys to your riding lawnmower.
Wisconsin OWI #6: your occupational permit for driving a school bus will be suspended for three months… beginning June 1st of the next calendar year.
Wisconsin OWI #7: While still allowed to drive your own vehicle, if you are a parent with a child under the age of seven, an officer will come to your home and instruct the child to always check your breath before giving you the keys to their battery operated Power Wheels car.
Wisconsin OWI #8: since the first seven OWIs didn’t stop you, for the safety of others, if you still insist on driving, it must be in a vehicle equipped with warning lights and/or sirens such as a stolen police cruiser, fire truck or ambulance that’s not in service. Hijacked snowplows may also be acceptable but only during winter snow and ice storms.
Wisconsin OWI #9: you’re so close to #10. Only a real party pooper would impose any additional restrictions to stop you from getting there.
Wisconsin OWI #10: Congratulations! You have filled your punch card which entitles you to three months in jail with four months off for good behavior and a 50-50 chance of being the Rick and Cutter Show Weenie of the Week.
