A shoe company, Asics, commissioned a poet to write a poem that they then set to music. Now they claim that just listening to the poem can improve your mood. It didn’t improve my mood. If anything, it made me feel worse. So, it made me think, maybe just maybe I’m the guy to write the poem that will make you feel better.
The world keeps getting worse
Enough to give you a migraine.
The climate’s going to hell
Wars in Gaza and Ukraine.
COVID may be coming back
Big companies still polluting
The Supreme Court may be compromised
Every other day there’s another mass shooting.
Suzanne Sommers and Matthew Perry
Have recently departed
And when it comes to our political situation
Don’t even get me started.
A poem to cheer us up
Isn’t the worst idea
To distract us from whatever China’s up to.
And that mad man in North Korea.
I haven’t been commissioned by a shoe company
Still maybe I’m the guy
To write a poem to make us feel better.
Well at least I’ll try.
Earlier this year
While rushing to the privy.
Vladimir Putin fell down a flight of steps
And pooped his commie skivvies.
See, just thinking of Putin poopin’
And sitting in his own feces.
I start to feel a little better
And happiness increases.
So, lets imagine
Other things to bring us joy.
Like a similar fate befalling any of the Kardashians
Or the owner of the Cowboys.
Or perhaps envision a world where
Justin Bieber’s mother never even gave birth
Or some strange set of circumstances
Where Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce just vanished from the earth.
And imagine no Kanye
It’s easy if you try.
And that John Lennon was still alive
But maybe not that Danny Masterson guy.
And this might make you feel better
And set your rosy cheeks aglow
Just for a moment visualize Bill Cosby
Drowning in a vat of pudding from Jello.
Something else that would bring me glee,
and this, I can tell you true
is if the case of permanent laryngitis
infected the entire cast of The View.
And it would make me feel elated to Bezos and Elon
And the other billionaire racketeers
Would lunch a jet propelled missile
Pointed right up their own freaking rears.
I know this puts me in a better mood
And maybe it will you too
just thinking about Craig Counsell Council and his Cubs
Next season going 0 and 162.
Now this is the kind of poem that makes me feel better
That brings a smile right to my face
It alleviates my sadness
And makes it disappear without a trace.
Well, does this make me a bad person?
Oh that I will not dwell
because if I would just make me sad again
Knowing I’m going to go to hell.
