RICK’S 2024 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
I resolve that in the new year I will not make any more jokes about a hobo’s taint… Unless I have expressed written permission from the hobo or the hobos legal representative.
I resolve that in the new year I will start eating spam and not just buy it to scrape that jell off the top to use for lube.
I resolve that in the new year to start FEELING like I’m eating healthier by referring to meatballs as “beef apples”.
I resolve that in the new year to stop referring to my imaginary friend as my imaginary friend and start using the more PC term: non-existent American.
I resolve that in the new year to start my campaign to have the Nobel Prize literature committee to finally recognize the contribution to poetry made by the man from Nantucket.
I resolve that in the new year I will stop sexting random women pictures of Larry McCarren’s pinky and claiming it’s my penis.
I resolve that in the new year I will to start to show more respect for anyone who crosses me by digging their graves a little less shallow.
I resolve that in the new year I will stop fantasizing about Jake from State Farm repeatedly getting pegged by Flo from Progressive.
I resolve that in the new year I will come to terms with the fact that praying for Joe Barry to get fired is not consistent with being a Christian and converting to some religion that won’t give a damn.
I resolve that in the new year I will take what I’ve learned from others and use it to generate massive publicity for the Rick and Cutter Show by dating Taylor Swift, running over Gwyneth Paltrow on a ski hill, announcing my pregnancy at the Super Bowl halftime show or drowning in a hot tub.
