Sunday of the Packers take on one of the few people in the NFL who is old enough to make Aaron Rodgers look like a whippersnapper. A Peruvian Hallucinogenic swilling whippersnapper. That man is of course Tom Brady, who is now officially older than Joe Biden‘s first pube. And for those who are not already predisposed to hate Brady for his talent, wealth, good fortune and good looks, we’ve developed a primer to help you more easily despise the man.
TOP TEN REASONS TO HATE TOM BRADY
10. He refers to his testicles as the Brady Bunch.
9. He plays without a mouth guard so as to impair the vision of opposing defenses with his blinding white teeth.
8. He makes his impossibly hot wife sit near the opposing team’s bench because it’s really difficult to tackle when you have with a raging boner.
7. He bought a new yacht [true story] a couple years ago, right after his company received nearly $1 million in government paycheck protection program money, which is sort of like buying a new car with the money you saved getting your groceries at the food pantry.
6. He has been caught cheating more times than Bill Clinton in a grotto full of strippers.
5. He’s deflated more balls than Stormy Daniels.
4. He’s such a big douche, instead of Brady, the back of his jersey should read Summer’s Eve.
3. His picture takes up too much space next to the word “smug” in my dictionary.
2. Despite claims of pending retirement, he actually plans to keep playing until Keith Richards dies.
1. The only reason he’s considering divorcing his super hot wife is to make room on another finger for another Super Bowl ring.
