BIRTHDAY GIFTS FOR SPORTSCASTER JOE BUCK
10. An industrial strength shop vac so he has something that sucks almost as hard as he does.
9. A weekend at a nice B&B where he and broadcast partner Troy Aikman can finally consummate their forbidden man love.
8. A set of extra-large forceps that can be used to extricate his head from his ass.
7. A box so tiny it could fit on the head of a pin to store everything he knows about football and baseball.
6. Something to improve the quality of his play by play commentary during NFL broadcasts…like a ball gag or muzzle.
5. A case of anal herpes so he can be just as a big of a pain in his own ass he is in everyone else’s.
4. A name that he doesn’t share with the male prostitute played by Jon Voigt in Midnight Cowboy who was still not as big a whore as he is.
3. An ounce of anything to fill the spot where the once of talent would be if he had it.
2. Packs of extra coarse sandpaper which is still less grating that his on-air personality.
1. A couple cases of Shamwows that might help wipe that smug, self-important smirk off his douchey face.